Sunday, November 15, 2009
Only a Complete Genius or a Total Fool Could Ever Pull This Off. Lucky for Us, He's Both.
39 on the outside, 18 or 19 on the inside. It's funny the way time works. I know, I've heard all the often wise, often cynical words about turning 40. The realization of it still dances around the edges of my understanding, as though I'm dead-set against grasping and acknowledging it. Man, growing up, 40 always seemed so... what's the word? Not "old", really... not to me, anyway. I guess I thought that at 40, you're wiser, more mature, more adult, more stable, less such a foolish, blissfully ignorant kid or some such.
Now that I'm here (just about), I have to admit, I pretty much feel the same way inside that I did twenty years ago. I interact with people half my age, and somehow on the inside still associate myself with them "way down there" in their late teens/early twenties, as though I'm not really that far removed from them - since that's kind of how I still feel inside. But I'm twice their age! I'm not a peer, I'm standing on the other side of the generation gap, waving hello. I'm not one of them anymore... I'm one of the older, the wiser, the more experienced, the teacher/helper, etc etc etc. When will I start to feel like it?
I'm certainly not trying to speak down to people in their late teens/early twenties. Heck, if that's you, enjoy it while it lasts. This is more a brief rant to admit (confess?) that I feel like a fake inside, in many ways. Like I should be something that I'm not yet. I have gray hairs on my head and in my beard. I've put on weight. I'm getting creaky. Yet I continue, in many ways, to act like I did when I was fresh out of high school. Maybe installing a mirror on the wall near my computer will remind me to act my age more often. I rarely look in the mirror, actually, even when brushing my teeth (apparently, I'm sort of a wild brusher... I get little flicks of toothpaste all over the mirror, which is annoying to clean, lol, so I turn my back to the mirror).
Gray beard! Look how long and scraggly it looks, eh? On a side note, this so reminds me of my daughter, lol. I don't know which of them takes more self portraits, it's like a competition. I've never seen or met anyone that takes more pictures of themselves than my two older daughters. Literally, if you go through my family photo archive, month by month, you'll usually see endless dozens of very similarly posed self-portraits of either Eldest or Middle Daughter. They do love to see themselves in photos. If you have either one of them as Facebook friends, you know what I mean - they rotate new smiling or brooding self-portraits almost daily. I don't love them any less for their narcissism, for sure, they're still my sweeties. I just don't understand it, that's all. Well, I suppose it's good that they have such great self images...
The book progresses well. Gonna write more when I wrap up here. Plans for tomorrow include a flier for the rug shop, watching Piranha Marketing training videos (again) to try to learn some new skills in my old age, and a trip to the post office to mail a payment to the feds for my '08 taxes.
Sorry to be whiny tonight... I decided to pull up this blog and just write whatever came to mind first. This has been on my mind today, for various reasons, so there it is. Missed youth. Didn't know it was leaving, didn't notice it was gone until it was... um, gone. My fear is that I'll spend so much time focusing on what I don't have anymore that I'll miss what I'm supposed to be doing now. I'd hate to turn sixty and long for the days when I was only just starting my forties... Or turn eighty and long for the heady days of my youth, when I was only 60...
Meh, nothing new under the sun, I know. This is a whine as old as time. It's just supposed to be something everyone else whines about... it's a cold thing to experience first hand. I get bummed about it and all I want to do is eat and play games...
Well, until tomorrow, remember, no eating puzzles in the house... and surely we don't jump on the beds!