Tuesday, October 18, 2016

A Quick Word

I've done it. I've broken through it. Man, it's been tough. I was cruising along, firing on all cylinders, for most of the year. Then it all collapsed.

It's like having arms full of packages and walking into a closed door, which you thought was open. Wham! Drop everything, sitting dazed on the floor, feeling like an idiot... What can you do, but gather your senses, stand up, shake off the embarrassment, collect yourself and your belongings, and try again. What's the alternative? Give up?

Being cut off from my usual sources of advice and conversation has had the odd benefit of forcing me to figure it out on my own. And I'm happy to reveal, I've done it. I have to give God the credit, even though I felt cut off from Him as well. I'm sure He was involved (probably on both ends), which is cool, but annoying of Him.

I need to percolate on it all for a bit longer before dumping some/all of it into this blog, but it boils down to the importance, value and purpose of words (spoken and written), and the nature of truth. If that sounds esoteric and hopelessly cerebral, that's only because I have no better way to summarize it at the moment. Trust me, there's meat in there that anyone can benefit from.

But since the insights keep presenting themselves to me, even as recently as an hour ago, I think it would be premature of me to try and vocalize it right now. I want to let it come together. But on a personal note, let me say it is a series of revelations that have helped me make sense not only of my current predicament, but also of recent history and other issues dating back decades. It's a gift that has fully shifted the way I view life and people, in a profound, still-unfolding way.

Never, never, never would I have imagined such a thing happening to me at this stage of my life. It is humbling, and I am so grateful. Granted, the road getting here sucked, but hey, ultimately, it may result in fruit on many levels. Heck, it's already given me ideas for new plays/characters...

Adios for now,

Dave, Evolving

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Not All Who Wonder Are Lost....

Man, look at that... I love it. A hundred stories come to mind, just looking at that photo. Wow.

Hello again, y'all. It's Dave the On-Again-Off-Again Recluse, with a drive-by blast of hot air, if for no other reason than to bump my last post down a notch, so I don't have to look at it or think about it again... so life's a teeter-totter, ups and downs, highs and lows... gee, big revelation. It's not like I haven't been there before (both the highs and the lows). But honestly, it does really help to talk about it... and also honestly, I really don't have anyone to talk to about it. I am a man, alone...

No man is an island? Well, perhaps I should change my name to "no man"...

So, have things settled down for me? Yes and no. It's odd. You know how when you get a new vehicle, suddenly you see that vehicle everywhere? Or if you or your wife is pregnant, suddenly you see pregnant women everywhere? Well, a similar phenomenon is occurring with me, whereby it "seems" that I'm being ignored/avoided on every front. In one part of my brain, I know people are just busy with their own stuff, and hey, it's not like I haven't always been sensitive to being ignored... that's why I enjoy my invisible audience so much... they love me!

But I think the difference is that, whereas I normally have lots of things to keep me occupied in my isolation, lately I really could use some good news and/or someone to talk to... so that makes each instance of delayed response, ignored inquiry, unreturned message, etc. that much more acute... like getting poked in a bruised area... the poke normally would be a mild annoyance, but getting poked on a wound? Ouch...

So, yeah, it's getting hard to want to care anymore. I know the grown-up response is to look life in the eye and show a little back-bone, and ride it out.

That's me, on the left...

Still, it's uncomfortable being in a position of feeling so clueless... if I knew what it was I'd done wrong (probably a collection of little things), then perhaps I could do something to rectify it, or at least understand it all. Or more likely, as I mentioned at the outset, it isn't anything of the kind. Nothing personal, just people being people, doing their people things... without reference to me whatsoever. Probably just my own insecurities teaming up with my inherent self-centeredness (byproduct, no doubt, of my life of solitude) to freak me out...

I doubt much of this makes sense, but I feel like riffing, and that's what this blog is for...

I won't beat it into the ground. Feeling detached from life. It will pass.

Speaking of "detached," this video is incredible...

Man, I wish I could have seen that in person... stunning. That seems like an event that would permanently mark the person who saw it. So friggin majestic and breath-taking.

Here's another video of the same event, from higher-up...


Shifting gears...

The holidays approach. A lot of writing on my plate: Momentum; Best Dressed Guest; the Mt. Zion Christmas play; a pastor's appreciation skit. All of these ideas are well-developed in my head, but I've yet to actually write them (except for Momentum, which is almost finished). Writing is my safe corner. I can do it in my aloneness... acting and directing? That involves people, lol... I'll need to steel myself to go that route again... but writing? Bring it on! Let me put my wings on and fly!

Halloween... every year, I threaten to dress up for Halloween, and every year, I don't... Youngest Daughter usually has a birthday party around Halloween, and it's a costume party. I'm always the only one not in a costume (which inspired, in part, the plot of Best Dressed Guest, actually)... this year will, no doubt, prove to be the same. I'd love to dress up! I'm an actor! Costume me! Let me be someone/something else for a few hours! You'd think I'd be all over that! Not sure what keeps me from doing it... embarrassment and laziness, I guess...

This year, I'd like to dress up as the lead singer of the band Avatar...

Actually, I'm only partly kidding... I know he's a bit creepy looking, but he always wears such cool costumes, and the face paint is fun... and the whole band looks like they have so much fun. Their videos are a hoot. They're actually kinda campy and silly. They remind me of a harder-edged version of Oingo Boingo...

Masks in general are fascinating to me... hide who you are, be a version of yourself that you'd like to be, or wish you were, or heck, even be someone completely different! Oddly, that concept also inspired/informed the plot of Best Dressed Guest... there's a lot to play with in that concept...

No, I won't dress up this year. But if I did, it would be as something far more tame than that guy... wouldn't want to freak people out and have them think I'd lost my religion or something, lol... I don't spook easily, but others do...

What else?

Not much of note. Mostly writing. If anything changes, I'll mention it here. Or maybe I won't, who knows? It seems lately, the more I say (regardless of how careful I try to be), the more trouble I get myself into. Perhaps "Dave the Silent" would be a good mask to wear for the time being!

Adios for now,

Dave the Meanderthal

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Meow! (You Were Supposed To Meow Back...)

Sing us a song, you're the Piano Man...

OK, one song, coming up...

*GROAN* *sigh*

O great, here we go again. David in his "alone in the world" mood again... "For crying out loud, Dave, learn a new song already! We've heard this one from you way too often! It's over-played!"

OK, fine. Let me find my happy face to put on for you... gimme a sec...

There it is...


There, how's that? Better?

"No. Look, Dave, we come here to read your goofy nonsense, to cheer us up from our own raft of crap! If you're in the dumps as well, it's counter-productive, eh! Try harder!"

OK, fine... here, let me try again...

"No, no, no! We still see through you!"

Hey, look... first of all, I'm an actor, ok? I never said I was a particularly skilled one. I try my best, on set or off, to play the happy, together guy. I think I pull it off well most of the time. But dangit, the more I learn of people, the less I think I like them.

I pretty much spent the first 40 years of my life squirreled away in a safe place, sheltering myself from The Real World(TM), and crafting my own little goofy version of the world to live in. Made my own rules, crafted people the way I wanted them to be, and moseyed my way through life, willfully ignorant. Well, for the past few years, I've tried to break free of that self-induced, self-crafted little utopia and see what life is like on the outside, with real people, trying to make a legitimate impact out there.

The results have been decidedly mixed.

I'm realizing not everyone is like me. In fact, no one is like me, that I've found. And I don't say that to flatter myself - just the opposite. I am, in many ways, quite socially retarded. I suppose that's logical - not sure why I should be so surprised. I mean, a tree that grows up outside is much more resilient than one that grows up inside a greenhouse... Exposure to the elements toughens one up, I suppose... so why should I be surprised that I'm stunted inside in many ways?

Still, the disappointment is palpable. My experience of the past few years seems to show me that most people are like my Wife... suspicious of everyone. Everybody is up to something, everybody is angling for something, some advantage over me/you. Everyone is out for himself. Honestly, it sucks to have that put on me, when it isn't a coat that fits. I don't have an agenda. I'm just me. I want to tell great stories, and involve great people. I'm not angling for anything, I'm not looking out for myself and my own best interests. I'm not trying to make a name for myself, at anyone's expense (much less everyone's). I'm just trying to enjoy life and leave a positive mark.

Having my actions mis-interpreted by people (who then react accordingly) is frustrating, because how do you fight it? Try to defend/explain myself? That only comes across as justification and guilt-dodging. And the thing is, if it was one isolated case, I could shrug it off. But it seems to be coming from every direction at once. Hence, the pervading, foundational sense of dread and depression I'm back wrestling with. Hello dorkness, my old friend...

My decision(s) now revolve around whether to retreat back into my safe little protected world again, cutting myself off again, or to "man up" and keep hitting it out there in The Real World(TM). Honestly, on paper, the answer is obvious. But the temptation is strong....

Bad grammar, but apt.

So what to do when I have no one to talk to? About this, or anything else?

I blog.

Like the previous post, where I reviewed the films I saw in the Best of San Diego screening for the 48. That post rubbed some people the wrong way. Some of the films I loved, some I liked, some I didn't really like. I suppose I should have seen it coming that voicing a less-than-stellar review of someone else's creative work would step on some toes. In my head, I had no intention of toe-stepping. I thought an honest critique would be appreciated, rather than shamelessly (falsely) gushing over every film, in some effort to avoid rocking the boat... so why post reviews at all then, you may ask?

I just told you! I have no one to talk to about these things! I went to the screening alone, came home alone, and wished I had someone to discuss the films with. So I blogged about it. Put a lot of work into that post, it may not seem like it. Talked about each film in some detail, got it all out, shared it. Good, right? Well, no, ungood. Turns out people are suspicious. They think everyone has an agenda, remember? It couldn't just be that someone wanted to chat without malice or ill intent about something as benign as a film screening...

So, yeah.

Pretend all is well? Pretend people are awesome? OK, fine... let's pretend...

Meow! How's things? Oh, peachy friggin keen!


Brief Summary of Things Still In Progress:

BTI filming this month. Momentum script closing in on 200 pages (waaaaay way too long for a feature... gonna be an interesting editing session). Script for Best Dressed Guest having trouble moving past the "detailed notes" stage. The Christmas play for Mt. Zion is alive in concept form in my head, but yet to be written. Another test film set to be filmed with Ryan in the next month or two. He has a strong concept; gonna let him run with the script, and help where I can.

That's it.


Of course, that's not it. Other facets of my life all seem to be vying for my attention by spiraling downward all at once. But you don't need/want to hear about that! I'll save all that for my Invisible Friend! Lucky Him!

So to cheer myself up, I've been watching tons of tsunami videos from the Japan 2011 quake.

Plus, random landslide videos. Those are always cool.

Here's a great song I'm digging a lot lately... "My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect...

And, because great acting always cheers me up, here's the best scene from the film Flight, with Denzel Washington, Kelly Reilly and the magnificent James Badge Dale...

Warning, some foul language, but incredible dialog and acting...

Man, a scene like that does wonders for me... I love that....

So, yeah, all that to say, venting. As in, I needed to vent. So vent I did.

For starters.

Trust me, you don't want me to uncork.

Then again... you're all kinda like my Invisible Friends too, in a way... I don't know who reads this... I can imagine you any way I want. And the version of you that I imagine? That version likes me as I am. And knows I'm not angling for something from you. That version of you sees that I have something valuable to offer, and is willing to put up with my idiosyncrasies in order to make use of it. That I'm just me, trying to slide through life and leave something of substance behind for you to remember me by.

Who knows how much longer I have? 46 years is a lot longer than some people get to live...

We shall see.

Adios for now,

Dave, Vented.

Friday, September 16, 2016

48 Hour Film Festival - Best Of San Diego Screening

This year's 48 Hour Film Festival has come and gone. For the most part, I enjoyed the heck out of it. You can read about my personal experience, as far as the film our little team made, in the previous blog post. I will, however, post the film here for you to watch if you have any interest. It isn't the "director's cut" version I mentioned in the previous post - this is the version we submitted, which the people saw in our screening group.

Props to our cast, especially Kate Schott, for such great performances. I look forward to working with her -- and the rest of the cast -- on future projects. Ryan and I have big plans for future films, including shorts and features. Hopefully we will be involving a substantial number of San Diego acting talent.

So, the Best of San Diego Screening took place 9/15/2016, and it was a buffet of awesome films. I thought I would take the opportunity to review the films, and embed them here (as they are uploaded by the teams) for your enjoyment. Please keep in mind - I am nobody. My opinion, in my little corner of the world, counts for exactly squat. I stress this indelible truth because, in the mood I'm in, I might not limit myself to only positive commentary on each of the submissions... if you happen to be here from one of the teams, and you happen to disagree with a meaningless nitpick I have toward your film, please know that I am no one of any substance. Just a man with a blog who likes films... that's all... I suppose the flip-side of that is that the positives and accolades from me are just as empty, right? ;P

I might as well go in order of appearance... I found artwork where I could, but not every film had poster art...

Again, check back often! I hope to embed all of these films here, once they are available. A few are available now...

by IntelleXual Entertainment

This is a science fiction piece about a man who has family problems, who is then abducted by aliens. The lead actor -- Shane Allen -- had some good moments early on, but when Randy Davison paired with Shane late in the film, it provided the highlight of the film, in a fun scene at a bar toward the end, with some nice banter between them. They work well together. There were little technical quirks here and there (mostly with sound), and the story structure suffered from the "7 minutes or less" rule - it really needed to be ten minutes to make more sense. But there were enough great moments to make it worth the watch.

by The Joelsons

This one received a lot of awards attention, and rightfully so. Great cinematography, especially the opening sequence in the rowboat, and the sequence in the snowfall. The ending sequence in the ambulance was also nice. Great editing. Honestly, the lead actress wasn't consistently convincing, in my opinion. And there were awkward moments where she voiced thoughts that would have been better left unsaid ("I couldn't have only been sleeping that long" "I couldn't have been here for four weeks" etc).... But tons of great visuals, and a nice soundtrack. One little quirk; the background generator noise (AC noise?) when she was in the hotel room was distracting...

by GrooveKo

I loved this one. Very creative. I can't wait until they upload this one online so I can share it with you. Very funny, crisp pacing, solidly acted by the lead actress, great supporting cast. Definitely one of my favorites. A woman tries to find love in a series of virtual reality sessions...  Check it out!

Very creative, well-shot, nice production value. Great performances by the cast (Steve Murawka, Adrianna Glade and Isabella Cuda). I loved the final moment (the mirror shot)... One of my favorite films of the evening. Here is the trailer, until they upload the full film, after which time I will swap them out...

'HUSH' - trailer - FESTIVAL CITY FILMS from Sean Dejecacion on Vimeo.

by State of Flux

This one had some good ideas. For a 48 Hour Film, it's a solid effort. Some great shot choices, funny moments, and nice cars (yay, production value!) added to the viewing, but the performances struck me as a bit too forced for my tastes, and the casting and writing a bit shaky. But it played well in front of a big crowd - I had watched the upload ahead of time, and enjoyed it more on the big screen than on the little screen.

CHECK|MATES from Jake Segraves on Vimeo.

by Bad MF

I had seen the teasers for this one ahead of time, and my expectations were low... it looked super corny... but man, I was surprised at this one. It's a Sports film, about the National Beerpong League Championships, and it was very, very funny. Standouts for me included the announcer team, Team GILF and the two homeless dudes (Mike Brayden and John Allen). But honestly, the whole cast brought it. Great editing, great pacing, great make-up, and lots of laughs. I believe this is the same team that made one of my faves last year, Crowd Sorcery...

by Grudio Pictures

This one grew on me. At first I was off-put by the lighting issues (blown out shots, slipshod reflector use, etc.), but once the story settled into the La Jolla location and the older lady (Lisa Galer?) was introduced, it really took off. Very funny, didn't take itself too seriously, it had fun with the premise... Ultimately, I found it very enjoyable. Here's the trailer - again, when the film is uploaded, check it out here!

Airport Valets Trailer from Grudio Pictures on Vimeo.

by Team Groovy

These were the guys that won it all last year with Under New Management. It has my favorite local actor Joe Hurley in it. It's very well made - this team knows how to shoot a film and make it look great. Lots of great moments, and some cool special effects - but honestly, I think they were hamstrung a bit by the "Superhero" genre... it was a great location and a strong cast (for the most part)... another genre would have let them really stretch their wings. As it was, I think this is a good, solid effort, but not among the standouts for the evening.

Check for yourself!

48 Hour Film Project 2016 - SUPr from Tom Antl on Vimeo.

by 4th Hallway

This film... wow, what can I say about this film? It starts off like a goofy 80's sitcom, complete with bad humor and a laugh track... and it quickly plummets into the darkest of tones... I loved this film. It was so risky, and it paid off. Trying to describe the journey would be impossible... you really need to watch this film... when they upload it, it will be here, for those who dare. Exquisitely creative and ballsy. This was a highlight of the evening for me, big time. Terrific writing and editing - and the actors needed to bring it on several levels, and they friggin nailed it.

by Satiated Sadists

There was so much to love about this police procedural film. The casting? Perfect. The writing? Outstanding. The acting? Wonderful. The locations, the pacing, the editing.... top notch. If there was an award for Best Supporting Actor, Luke Pensabene would have won it, hands down. He was fantastic. I would have put this film Top 3, easily, if I were judging. Very enjoyable, on just about every level. I cannot wait to watch this one again.

by Alloy

Another strong selection, the two female leads (Cristyn Chandler and Lisa Winans) were both outstanding, and complimented each other fantastically. A relatively-bleak tale about a woman recently released from prison, who finds out that while she's been incarcerated, her life has fallen apart. Some lighting quirks occasionally detracted, as well as occasional odd blocking choices, but overall, one of the best acting treats of the evening.

Here's a quick teaser. Check back soon for the full film.

by Kanari Storm

I was not expecting this... I loved this film. It was so well written, acted and filmed, I had a smile the entire time I watched it. It was sooo dark and funny. The entire cast brought it, and the director (John Freeman) did a terrific job. Top notch. Easily one of my faves. Here's the teaser, though it doesn't convey the comedic tone of the film in the least...

MUG-Teaser Trailer from Robin Martin on Vimeo.

by Fallen Light Media

Not much story here - this film seemed to be primarily a showcase for some terrific hand-held camera work. Strong visuals makes the viewing worthwhile, but not much under the hood. Perhaps you'll have a different opinion? Check it out.

PASSED OVER from Ryan Kelly on Vimeo.

by A Focus Group

This is the film that won Best Film for 2016 (they also won back in 2014 for the wonderful Good Ol' Chap). It was certainly well-shot, and had solid acting performances, but I found the script to be a bit cliche and predictable. I certainly enjoyed it, and felt Jon Maxwell's award-winning performance was certainly worthy of acknowledgement, but I was a bit surprised to see it win. That having been said, I think director Ryan Casselman is a legitimate film-making force in San Diego. I look forward to seeing what he does next, whatever it is.

by City Band Productions

I really dig the lead actor in this film (Seth Marshall). He has a great look and seems extremely comfortable in front of the camera. That having been said, I think this film had enough going for it to be included among this group, but only barely. It just seemed undercooked to me, especially the ending. It had some good ideas, but the premise (writer's block) is sort of cliche... It had good moments, though, and it seemed to connect well with the audience. It just didn't really work for me.

Watch it here:

by Four Lazy Guys

I'm still uncertain about this one. It got a lot of love last night - it received a slew of awards... It had a healthy amount of funny moments, but the "overacting for comedic effect" approach didn't click with me. And the story didn't make sense to me in the least... but maybe it wasn't supposed to. They were supposed to choose between "Slapstick" or "Western"... I guess they tried to blend them both, since it strikes me that the film just doesn't know what it wants to be...  I don't know... I realize film appeal is a subjective thing, based on the particular viewer, and it certainly had a legion of admirers last night. But all things considered, I enjoyed last year's Elephant In The Room much, much more... I know this film team is legit, but Bloodline missed me...

Here, see for yourself!

Bloodline from Four Lazy Guys on Vimeo.

That's all of them!

Again, keep in mind, I'm merely one man, a blatant nobody. Your viewing experience may vary - as it apparently varied for the judges...

The winning film last night was Con Boys, with Bloodline and Mug taking the First- and Second-runner-up spots... if I were to rank them, man, it would be tough... I would have voted Fletcher & Jenks, and then maybe Mug and Reality Bites... although Family In Progress, Hush and Loser were close as well...

But again, that was just among those that were chosen to be included in the Best Of screening... it would have been cool to watch all of the on-time films, and pick my own version of the 16 Best... I wonder how different my list would have been (if at all)?

I realize how hard it is to create a film at all in 48 hours, much less a great film. And I know how annoying it must be to have some random yahoo like myself subject your film to scrutiny... I try to mention the positives where possible - each of the films in the line-up had a lot going for them. And heck, I wouldn't mind working with any or all of these teams in the future, on either side of the camera... Kudos to everyone involved - and trust me, that's a ton of people. You should see the endless credits for most of these films... where do these teams find so many people to work on their films?! Sheesh! One team even had four people credited as "Dog Wranglers", lol.... that's awesome...

All that to say, I loved participating again this year. I think the whole 48 Hour Film Festival experience is terrific, and I hope to participate for many more years to come, either as writer, actor or director... we'll see, eh?

Next stop, the 4 Points Film Festival in November!

Again, I hope to ultimately have every film from the Best Of screening viewable here.

Take care,

Dave the Goof