Friday, July 31, 2009

The Doom is Near at Hand! Isildur's Bane is Found!

Hey, remember that one time I stretched a sock over my head, drew a face on it, lit it on fire, and ran down the road screaming, "I'm a flaming head mummy! I'm a flaming head mummy! Hide your potted plants!" Remember? Yeah, that was great. What? Oh, nuts, I forgot! What happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas... sorry, my mistake. Forget I said it...

And now, some culture...

Fart: A Haiku
by David Wagner
Warm pants, a low mist
An odd aroma, not love

Breathe deep, enjoy

Thank you! Thank you all! If you're good, I may treat you to another before this post is over...

How was my day today? Well, if it were possible to take a day, capture it, take it to Kinkos, pay 89 cents to make a color copy, then take the copy and load it into the slot for the next day, and then live that copied day, so that you can't really tell the difference between the original day and the copy? Yeah, sort of like that. Typical summer day, which is not necessarily a bad thing, considering I live in San Diego... although we could sure use some rain. And a new governor. And heck, some new senators as well. You know what? Just get rid of all the current politicians, from the Governor all the way down to little city councils and school boards, and replace them all with people that know what they're doing and give a crap.

That's the end of my political rant.

Actually, a quick addendum: I think Sarah Palin is retarded. Was she really almost our Vice President? Are you kidding me?

OK, that's the end of the political rants. I promise.

Politicians: A Haiku
by Dave the Turd
Smile, feign great concern
Speaking what you want to hear

We are greedy pricks

Thank you all! Thank you all, from the bottom of my large intestines!

I've been playing a few more practice skirmishes against the computer in Warcraft 3. On the easiest possible difficulty. And I get annihilated every time. On the easiest setting... I know, I know... it breaks my heart as well... cheer up, I shall improve in time. If not, I shall track down a patch that will make the computer opponent brain dead. Or find a tutorial or three that will help me modify my strategy away from my "floundering newbie of doom" approach to something a little more competent...

I Suck at Warcraft 3: A Haiku
by Dave Zug Zug
Many games, click, click
I excel at almost all

Except Warcraft 3

Thank you all! As a reward, Funny Picture Time!

Dang... when they say "all aboard" in India, they aren't kidding around!

I'm enjoying Best Served Cold still.. It's a pretty harsh, action packed tale of pain, betrayal, and revenge - just like real life! There's this one part where the main character [Editing out inconsiderate spoiler], and then her brother was [another spoiler edited out... Dave just doesn't seem to get it], oh, but the best part was when the alchemist went [So help me, if I have to edit one more spoiler...], and it was hilarious! But gross at the same time. That's something I don't understand with Abercrombie... he really doesn't seem to care if his characters just [the next time I see Dave, I will kick him in the groin until he learns...]. But I'm only 150 pages in... I'll let you all know what happens next. [No you won't.]

[Please, No Spoilers: A Haiku
by Dave's Editor

You just don't get it
you spoil without thought or care

I kick your nutsack]

Well, the family is back from their trip to Newport, tanned and happy. Took wifey out to eat tonight, then we walked the mall, eating yogurt with lots of yummies sprinkled on top. You gotta love yogurt with sprinkled yummies on it... and we saw Joseph and his wife Sara there! That was so cool, I haven't seen Joseph in forever. He looked great. And then, as we were leaving, we saw my mom! It was cool. Actually, Marla spotted both Joseph and my mom... I'm so oblivious, I would have just walked right by them both. I just kind of sink into my own little world sometimes, completely clueless... if she hadn't smiled and waved to Joe, he would have thought I ignored him, and it would have sucked. Joe! You're the man! It was great to see you! And mom, you're the man too! Oh, you know what I mean!

What do I have planned for the weekend? Saturday is RebJo's party. Sunday I pick Josh up from the airport in the afternoon. Josh owns, I look forward to meeting him. I hope it's an awesome trip. I think we're going to go to the Padres/Braves baseball game at Petco Park on either Monday or Tuesday, I don't recall. That should be fun; it's a great ballpark. I try to remember to take some pics to post up here. He's staying until Wednesday.

Todayve in History: August 1
- August 1, 1941: The first Jeep is produced.

- August 1, 1944: Anne Frank makes the last entry in her diary. (It was, "Man, Nazi's suck.")

- August 1, 1967: Israel annexes East Jerusalem. (It was about friggin time!)

- August 1, 1988: Rush Limbaugh begins his national radio show. (For better or for worse, depending on how you lean.)

And with that, I am done. Congrats to Havah for winning the Movie Quote Contest for July. I'll try to think up a suitable reward. I assume we shall reset the scoreboard for August, but who knows what tomorrow holds? I may come up with another contest...

Until tomorrow, this is Dave the Scatterbrain, signing off..

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Is It Written in the Stars that We Are Destined to Fraternize?

Hello, I'm Dave, and I'll be your blog waiter for the evening. Have you been here before? You have? Good, good... well, our specials tonight include grilled daily recap seasoned carefully with mild humor, movie quotes and orange zest. We also have our fresh funny video of the day, cooked to order. And our special desert is a heart-healthy scatalogical joke. Can I start you out with something to drink?

Umm... perhaps you should stick to something non-alcoholic. How about the iced tea?


Greetings, one and all! Dave here... what, were you expecting Ralph Nader or something? Today... is my last day of Empty House Syndrome. The fam returns on Friday, and the general state of uproar will return with it. I tell you, it's pretty eerie around here. The TV hasn't been on once. There's only one light on in the house at a time, depending on the room I'm in. Every time I go into the kitchen, the cupboard doors are all closed. There's no rubbish on the floors. The melodious sounds of America's Next Top Model aren't wafting about... it's quiet... too quiet.

As a result, there has been an inordinate amount of Scrabble going on around here. I watched two (count them! Two!) different Scrabble-related documentaries, have played a few dozen games on my computer, and I have a Facebook game of Scrabble going with a Blog regular who shall remain anonymous to protect the innocent. And I've been eyeing my copy of Word Freaks sitting on my bookshelf, wanting to give it a re-reading... but I've stopped short of going that far... I mean, I have Best Served Cold in my grubby little hands, and I'm resisting the near-overwhelming urge to tear through it non-stop, in a fiction feeding frenzy. I'm trying to ration it, and discipline myself, so I can focus on getting other "obligations" done as well... got to finish up the September newsletter for Piranha in the immediate future (as in "tonight") so I can get some $$$$$ in my clammy white hands!

Had dinner with my sweet mommy tonight after work. We talked business for some of it, so that she could write it off as a business expense. Mmmm! Sea food! Anyway, she told me she was recently shipped a bunch of her dad's stuff, from his time in the war - as in World War 2. Yep, that same World War 2 that I find so fascinating. Anyway, I can't wait to go up and look through it all. He was in the Pacific theater during the war, and I'm anxious to find out more details about what he did, exactly. I know he was on the ship USS George Clymer, which was involved between December 1942 and April 1945 in transporting troops to the battles of Bouganville, the Marianas, Leyte and Okinawa, among other scooting about. I'm dyin' to know more... apparently, he has a case of medals.

I'll take some pics and scan some docs and post them here, as well as make a special page on my Wagnervana site for a more detailed accounting. That's my grandfather on my mother's side. My grandfather on my father's side served in WW2 in the Philippines, that I know of. I'll see if I can talk my dad into letting me see some of his things from the war as well, and I'll relay that here (and at Wagnervana too)... My dad was in the Navy for many years during Vietnam as well... Makes me wish I had joined the service. Being a hero runs in my family!

Speaking of Vietnam... this ought to make Dave-O perk up. I received from Netflix today Apocalypse Now Redux. Was going to watch it tonight, but it rings in at a whopping 3 hours and 22 minutes! Dang! Even if I started it right now, that would put it over at 1:30 am! And then I'd start reading Best Served Cold, and who knows how late I'd be up! Maybe I could watch just part of it... think I could be that disciplined? Meh, me neither. I better save it for another day... it's been so long since I've seen it, I hardly remember it at all... but if Dave-O likes it, it must be good! He's a professional, right?

Better break up the monotony with a funny picture... hold on...

That's a sign at a church, actually... at least, according to the caption at the site I ruthlessly ripped the picture off from. That's me! Helping myself to other people's junk at will! I figure, if it's on the internet, it must be free and free to use, right? It's like the old west, really, and my mouse is my six-shooter. Right-click to cock the hammer, left-click to fire!

OK, here's a video clip of people doing odd things at world record speeds...

I've played minesweeper a jillion times, of course. That was insanely fast. I see something like that - like any of those clips, really - and I only see hundreds of hours of practice. Well, except maybe the dude that undressed himself, other than that... I wonder if there's anything I would ever be "world's fastest" at? Probably not...

Hmm? Well, actually, yes, I did switch browsers on my main system... I'm using Google Chrome on both rigs now. How odd that you would notice that! You'd think that from your side of the blog, you couldn't see my system like that. Unless you've hacked my webcam and you're spying on me right now. Dang. I guess I should put some pants on then... but this "Hello Kitty" kimono is so comfortable! Ooh, silky silky... now about the rainbow afro wig... I don't know how to explain it... oh, come on! You can't tell me you don't occasionally get the urge to run around the house in a rainbow afro wig! I mean, you know what it's like, right? I don't have to explain it, right? Right?

And now, a White Ninja comic...


I think I'm done for the night. Sorry, the daily trivia today was not worth mentioning. Unless you are a fan of Oleg Popov, but something tells me you don't even know who he is! You uncultured turd! So farewell, dear friends. I trust you enjoyed your meal. Here's a doggy bag for the leftovers. A 15% gratuity has been added to your bill. Until tomorrow, remember, there can't be two idiots with pajamas like these...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Empty What is Full. Fill What is Empty. Scratch What Itches.

"Chopsticks" or "Stop Chicks," which one?

I'm telling ya, the love is gone! I can't do it anymore! It's just... it's just dead to me! Blogging is dead to me! I ... I just can't do it anymore... I can't... write... another... post...


Whadaya think? That's my Method Acting Lesson for the day... it's a short monologue, true, but I tried to infuse it with emotion and the right amount of angst and pain and self-loathing. Well, did it ring true to you? How authentic was the self-loathing, really? I was trying for a sort of Sean Penn/Christopher Walken/end of "At Close Range" type of vibe, with like the tears and screaming and the blood dripping down one arm. Maybe if I added police sirens slowly getting louder in the background... "Is this the Family Gun, dad?"

Anyway, hey, whats up, eh? Eh? What's, like, up, eh? Eh?

For future reference, when someone asks "what's up," the correct response is "Dave's IQ, pal!" and then let out a really loud burp. The burp part is important; it projects authority and leaves no room for argument or backtalk.

OK, that's out of the way. Let us proceed...

Highlights of the Day
an emotion-drenched list by David Wagner

- Rug Shop Day today.
- Office Depot run for supplies.
- Thai Beef pita sandwich and a Macchiato for lunch.
- Bought Best Served Cold at book store after work.
- Chinese food for supper.
- Went to the Jo's house for mini-prayer meeting.
- Almost walked into a big, fat black spider walking to my car afterwards. Wet self a little.

That, my friend, is the type of hard-hitting, heart-wrenching, captivating information that you tune in each day to read! I know it's a sacrifice for you... once you read a list like that... it changes you forever... not always for the better, either...

The good thing is, now that it is over (cue the mixed feelings), I can move on to the truly important facet of this post... The Gutbuster of the Day, from This Is Why You're Fat...

This is very aptly named The Hurler. It is a burger patty topped with something dreadful called "Easy Cheese" and put on a jelly donut as a bun. I believe its creator named it after he/she took that bite you see there. All I can say is, that's so gross, it brings a tear to my eye.

Glad I could share it!

Watched another pair of short WW2 documentaries today. One on the Battle of Stalingrad, and the other on the Battle of Britain. Yes, they were awesome, each shedding light on facets of their subjects that I had never known before, but no, I will NOT elaborate on them here! You don't deserve it! You expect me to go into some of the fascinating details surrounding these events after you so mercilessly mocked and belittled me on live television like that! And then you posted the clips on the internet, so I could endure a thousand times the mockery ad nauseum, as well as having to endure the crude, stale wit of the lunkheads that leave comments on the clips... is this to be endured? It shall not be!

Actually, I just don't feel like wrenching my mind into a position to remember all the details and then present them in a way that was even remotely interesting... so I'm lazy today, sue me...

Hmm... well, I suppose I could track down a funny/cool video clip for your amusement/amazement... brb...

MARU!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!

Aw, yeah. Nothing completes an epic, "make it up as you go" blog post like a video of Maru. That cat... is way too cool...

Todayve in History: July 30
- July 30, 1729: Baltimore, Maryland is founded. (I think that's when Cal Ripkin Jr.'s streak started too...)

- July 30, 1930: Uruguay wins the first World Cup. (It took two people to celebrate the goals... because they only had biplanes back then...)

- July 30, 1945: A Japanese sub sinks the USS Indianapolis. (If you've seen Jaws, you know what I'm talking about...)

- July 30, 1956: "In God We Trust" is officially authorized as the US national motto. (Too bad it didn't really take, eh?)

- July 30, 1975: Jimmy Hoffa disappeared. (Rule #1: Never change the deal...)

Among those celebrating birthdays today are: Henry Ford (1863), Casey Stengel (1890), Arnold Schwartzenegger (1947) and Lawrence Fishburn (1961). In honor of Lawrence Fishburn's birthday, I give you the Morpheus/Neo training fight scene from The Matrix.

Sorry about the little pop-up message during the first part... I don't know how to disable it...

By the way, my "biplane/soccer" one-liner was a bit out there, sorry... I pictured a person scoring a goal, ripping of his shirt and running around like an airplane today... then I pictured someone scoring a goal, and jumping up on a team-mate's shoulders, as they both take their shirts off and run around like a biplane back then... couldn't figure out how to get that out in a quick, funny way. FAIL.

Meh, I guess I'm done for the day. Not many movie quotes tonight. Havah has basically won July's contest. It's all over but the shoutin'. I need to decide if we do another round in August, or we try a new contest. I'm open to suggestions...

Until tomorrow, remember, fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

According to the Map, We've Only Gone 4 Inches...

Roses are red,
Violence is black and blue
... and red, actually...

Oh, nevermind...

Dave the Solo, reporting for blog duty! The house is mine for the next several days! MUAHAHAHAHA!!! I can do whatever I want! I can consume whatever I want! I am my own man! So what did I do tonight? What great place did I go out to eat at? What fun activity did I participate in? You're dyin' to know, aren'tcha? I went to this Botox Experiment, and I had a little accident... does it really look that bad..?

Actually, I had a normal day at work. On the way home, I hit up the bookstore, looking to see if they happened to have Abercrombie's new book out a day early. No such luck. So I came home, walked around the inside of the house like a man lost at sea, checked my email, sighed and looked around, making funny noises with my mouth... Ah, I know! Food! So I contemplated running up the road to On The Border and getting a nice meal... but there's something fundamentally sad about eating in a nice restaurant alone. So I did the only thing more sad than that... I stayed home and made eggs. Some chopped onions, a diced chicken breast, grilled together in my favorite pan, toss in 4 eggs, scramble it all up nicely, add some cheese and BBQ sauce, and chow down. Got out a giant tumbler, filled it with crushed ice, poured in 2 cans of Dr. Pepper, and watched some self defense DVDs on my computer in my office.

Ah, such fun! Complete freedom, options a'plenty... and I choose eggs, DP and an instructional video on how to catastrophically injure someone. There is something wrong with me... Meh, not really. I'm not particularly sanguine, you know? Introverted, a homebody comfortably ensconced in my little corner of the world... I'm not the social type, eh. Crowds, loud music, dancing, neon lights, smoke-filled clubs/bars... about as unappealing as can possibly be. I'm just not wired that way.

I'm sure after this post, I'll play some sort of game, maybe watch something streamed on NetFlix, and read a book into the wee hours, like just about every other day in my life. Hey, it's not a bad life.

I find the self-defense DVD course to be endlessly fascinating. If it wasn't copyrighted, I'd rip some of it and post it here. If I did it anyway, then I'd get arrested, tossed into Federal prison, and then get a chance to use my self-defense training against big tattooed psychopaths that want to shiv me! That would certainly be a change of pace from my usual daily routine, eh? The thing I'm appreciative of, in regards to the self-defense DVDs, is that it strips away the mystery and the fear behind violence, and shows it for what it is: a neutral tool that has an extremely limited, specific purpose, and while violence is almost never the answer, there is a time when it is the only answer... and at that moment, it's a very necessary tool to have, if you want to continue living. The course goes to great lengths to differentiate "social violence" from "asocial violence", and making it very clear when to be smart and walk away, and when to act.

In "social violence", the issue is communication... someone is trying to get a point across, normally verbally at first, then posturing, shoving, huffing and puffing, then maybe punches, etc. The whole "alpha male", social pecking order thing, like a buncha apes. In "asocial violence," there is no communication at all. A violent criminal wants something, and takes it. He wants to hurt/kill, and he just walks up and does it. There's no talking him out of it, or reasoning with him - his brain doesn't work that way. He wants something and has no problem with immediately doing whatever works the fastest to get it - usually involving often fatal violence. Knowing how to immediately tell the difference between the two, and how to respond in both cases really strips away a lot of the underlying fear inherent in just living each day. It doesn't matter how big or psychotic or mean-looking a person is, there are certain things anyone can easily do to that person to cause injury that will immediately turn the tables on the encounter. The human body is quite easily injured, if you have even the barest amount of info about it...

Anyway, they certainly don't advocate learning this stuff so you can then strut around and use it to increase your place in the social pecking order... it's basically information on how to ruin a person if the life-or-death moment presents itself. Again, it will likely never happen for most of us, but if it does, knowing how to use the tool of violence will thoroughly turn the tables. In those cases, it is the only tool that will work.

Lol, I'm like a commercial here.

Violence is such a touchy subject. Being a Christian, the understanding is that we should trust God that nothing violent will ever happen to us or our loved ones... that He will protect us, as He said He would. If violence presents itself, the Christian thing is to just let it happen and write off the consequences to God Will. "Well, He must have wanted (me/spouse/child/etc) to be (robbed/raped/injured/killed), for some reason unknown to me. His ways are above our ways!" Something like that. I don't know... something about that doesn't strike me right... we seem to cannibalize the scriptures, and pull out little pieces to use as promises, and hope for the best, all the while dreading the thought that God might decide you're the one He will not, in fact, protect, but will allow some horror to befall... let's be honest here... horrible things have happened, and still happen, to people that call themselves Christian all the time. We're to be pacifists and trust in the Lord, right? Well, a scriptural case can certainly be made for such a statement, true. Lambs to the slaughter, right?

But there are other verses... Proverbs 21:31: "The horse is prepared against the day of battle: but safety is of the Lord." That tells me that yes, ultimately, God can and will protect us from trouble, but there may come a time when a battle is necessary, and it stands to reason that you would need to know what you are doing when that day comes. God seemed to feel it necessary for His people Israel to have an army... they weren't just a buncha pacifist traveling monks, subject to the whims of the warlike peoples around them. Sometimes God protected them and fought on their behalf... sometimes He required them to fight.

I watched yet another documentary last night, called "10 Questions for the Dalai Lama"... wait, hear me out here. I'm not turning Buddhist on you, nor am I advocating such. I'm just curious by nature, and wanted to see what the dude and the religion was about. It was relentlessly hokey - the guy that made the doc was a thoroughly hapless liberal, beside himself with self-satisfaction for being able to gain an audience with the Dalai Lama, and ask him some questions. The DL was pretty well-spoken, but didn't honestly strike me as any more wise or important than any other random 75 year old dude, offering his opinion on different subjects. In fact, some of his "wisdom" was pretty ridiculous - he suggested more picnics and festivals and such as a route to peace in the Middle East, lol. Anyway, he's a thorough pacifist, but even he said that if your life, or the life of a loved one, was in immediate danger, you should do everything you can to protect yourself and/or them. From him, it seemed quite a contradiction... "Violence is never the answer... except when it's the answer." I think even he might be onto something, that's all I'm saying... and that it doesn't seem to contradict the scripture as a whole, either.

So anyway, I'm learning how to quickly and easily produce any number of catastrophic injuries on someone, in case someone with a shotgun kicks my door in one night while we're sleeping. Sure, I could hope that God would deflect the buckshot as it's fired at me while I cower in a corner praying... or I could pray as I close the distance to the guy and get my thumb into his eye socket. Then his gun won't matter; his hands will be at his face, and I will be picking the next part of his body to break, as wifey calls 911.

Dang. I had no intention of talking about all that, sorry. Mr Free Association strikes again. I can't believe I tripped like that! Look, I'm sorry if I came off a little nutso, I'm not really.

Better throw in a funny video clip here. I'm sure some of you might have seen this today; it was too rich for me to shelve, I have to post it now...

There goes his shot at the "Dad of the Year Award." I'm sorry, I know it's a cruel joke, perhaps spur-of-the-moment, without much forethought given, and he likely regrets doing that to his own kid, but dangit, I laugh every time I watch it. A side note, what the heck is up with that dog's ears? Why would they wrap them up like that, I wonder?

Not much of note happened on this day in history, other than Prince Charles marrying Lady Diana in 1981, but I couldn't think of a funny one-liner for it, and there was nothing else to mention anyway... so I guess I'll pass on that. I can, however, add a Funny Picture, to help take the edge off the lingering effects of my banal meanderings on self-defense...

Man, talk about a literalist. Something tells me that the cake decorator didn't speak English so good...

I think I'm going to pack it in for tonight. To the top of Mount Nool, as fast as lightning, away I go! If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer. Until tomorrow, remember, this is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

Monday, July 27, 2009

This Bodes Some Strange Eruption to our State...

"The Holy Ghost" or "The goalie host," which one?

Another week begins; I trust it was a good one for you all? Well, was it? Go ahead, take your time... formulate a thorough and honest answer, I'll wait. Hmm? It was a good Monday? Excellent, glad to hear it. It was pretty uneventful day for me. Put in some time at the Rug Shop, took some pics, worked on some bookmarks for the website, etc. Had my car looked at again at the same station that serviced it last week... they were puzzled and said I should have the dealership look at it. Well, that's the way it goes, eh?

I hate to admit this, but the well is pretty dry today. Don't feel like I have much to offer that is worth reading. I watched a couple things on Watch Instantly in the last day or two, including Full Metal Jacket, No Country for Old Men and another WW2 doc. Of the three, I suppose I would recommend the last one only, unless you're pretty immune to offense. Full Metal Jacket is an overdone, story-less, Vietnam Snapshot, overacted and underwritten. The first part of the film takes place in boot camp, and definitely is unique and memorable, let me leave it at that. The rest of the film is most unnoteworthy. No Country for Old Men has some terrific dialog (like most Coen Brothers films) and some excellent acting by all the principal actors, but it, too, is more of a snapshot than a traditional film, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It certainly is unique... I've never seen a film without a soundtrack in it... no music whatsoever, except for a brief scene in Mexico with a Mariachi street band for a few seconds. It won Best Picture in 2008, and while I agree it is a quality film, I'm not sure it was worthy of winning the big prize.

The doc was on the 200 US Army Rangers that stormed the cliffs of Pointe du Hoc on the Normandy Beaches on D-Day. It was a fascinating retelling of perhaps the most important victory the Allies won on D-Day. Wildly outnumbered and outgunned, they overcame the odds and volatile circumstances to take and hold the Pointe for 48 hours until reinforcements arrived. Of the 200, only 40 remained unhurt when it was said and done. They silenced those guns (though they had been moved before the attack, oddly enough) and saved hundreds, perhaps thousands of lives. Awesome.

I'm watching Music Box as I write this... perhaps I should pause it and focus, I might think of something better to write...

The Wagner Women are heading out of town Tuesday for a few days of R&R up the coast a bit. I hope they have a good time. It's their Summer break, they need some fun. Don't worry about me... I won't be lonely... much... MUAHAHAHA!!!!! I have my computer to keep me company... and my book shelf. And if I get desperate, there's always the TV...

Oh, what the heck, here's a cool video for you... don't know what kind of projector system they are using to do this, but it's pretty flippin' amazing, if you ask me.

Wild stuff, indeed. Reminds me of those sci-fi movies that sometimes show giant, building-sized video billboards that broadcast messages from Big Brother...

Dave-O had a birthday yesterday... you'd think I would remember that, especially seeing as how I offered him a kidney yesterday. I'm so bad with birthdays, I don't know why. I barely remember my own. Sorry, Dave-O, you rock. And everyone else that has had one recently, or will have one soon... Happy Birthday(s) and I hope you're enjoying your Summer.

I misplaced the novel I'm currently reading. Kind of odd. Don't know where I put it... I'm thinking of going back to Terry Brooks and trying to reengage the Sword of Shanarra series again. We'll see...

Dang... I'm fizzling here... better toss in a quick Funny Picture and hope for the best... in keeping with the "building" theme...

I am now officially out of steam. Sorry about the dearth of movie quotes. Lemme regroup and hit it again tomorrow. Until then, remember... um... remember.... well, heck remember anything you want to!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Build Me an Army Worthy of Mordor...

"Uniformed" or "uninformed," which one?

Due to inflation and the current state of the economy, a stitch, in time, now saves thirteen. Just thought I'd update you all.

OMG, I just geeked out. That little squee of school-boy glee you thought you heard was, in fact, me, learning the latest casting news for HBO's series they will soon be filming of George RR Martin's Song of Ice and Fire (or is it "Fire and Ice"? I always get that mixed up)... they cast my man Boromir (Sean Bean) as Lord Eddard Stark in the series. Awww, yeah! My man Boromir! I know, I know... for some reason, Boromir isn't anyone's favorite LOTR character but mine, I get it... still, he's my fave, and that he was cast as Eddard is way too cool. And, keeping with his experience as Boromir, he gets to die first in Song as well, lol!

They've also cast the role of Tyrion - Peter Dinklage, who played the midget in Will Ferrel's only funny film Elf, the one that beat up Ferrel's character at that meeting. He'll be awesome, I'm sure. Filming is supposed to begin in October. Vye told me once that he checked out a website that listed all of the characters in the Song of Fire and Ice (or is it "Ice and Fire"?) books and that there were about 1,100 entries. Dang. That means, plenty of roles to cast! They either have an astronomical budget, or everyone is working for free, or they are radically trimming down the scope of the tale... all three, likely. If only I could audition... I'd love a shot to play the role of Bronn. That guy was awesome. I don't know how to swordfight, though... that's one of the best scenes in the series, when Bronn fights on behalf of Tyrion at the Eryie.

Dangit, I'm going to have to read the series again soon. All this geeking out is making me hungry for direwolf again...

Cue harsh segue and..... action!

I watched an awesome documentary on Watch Instantly this afternoon. I'm going to (briefly) tell you what it was, but I acknowledge up front that it will not sound remotely interesting to (m)any of you... and honestly, in retrospect, I'm not sure why I found it so captivating myself... this is a story you will tell your grandchildren, and mightily bored they'll be! It was called The Ritchie Boys, and it was a documentary about 10 Jewish men who were refugees during WW2, came to America, enlisted in the armed services to try and help the war effort, were trained in intelligence/interrogation techniques and sent back to Europe, attached to front lines troops. See, I told you it doesn't sound interesting! Maybe it's my limitless fascination for all things World War 2. Maybe it's my intense admiration for warriors in general. There's just something about seeing these old men talking about their experiences during the war, watching their faces, their eyes, as they speak... listening to what they are saying, listening to what they are saying without words, marveling at the way they explain a time that, both individually and globally, is so hard to put into words.

Terrific, funny, intense stories, awesome archival video and photos, the emotional highs and lows... I think the serious parts of the narrative were made more powerful by the presence of the truly humorous and awe-inspiring parts. It's hard to explain; I was just thoroughly captivated by the stories and by the men themselves. There was one guy in particular who would get so into his storytelling that he would seamlessly speak back and forth from German to English, often transitioning in mid sentence, requiring subtitles at alternating intervals... here's this old dude, just lighting up the screen. There was another guy that was this old, seemingly-broken down old artist, who is talking as he is working on a new canvas, telling the stories of working in intelligence gathering on the front lines, and how it all culminated for him when he went to the liberated Buchenwald concentration camp (keep in mind, these guys are all Jewish), after which he simply checked himself out of the war. While he's talking, they keep panning around his studio, with endless racks of paintings and big charcoal drawings, all seemingly reflecting the same sort of musselman vibe, very dark, almost tormented and nightmarish... here he is, 60 years later, and he is still deeply affected and haunted by the war.

Anyway, I loved every minute of the doc, yet I know that if you were all to watch it, it would likely not impact many (or any) of you in the same way. That's not a slight on you in any way, just an admission that we are all different, and we all click on different topics. World War 2 just happens to be one of the subjects I fire on all cylinders about. I was thinking about buying Band of Brothers on DVD for my birthday this year. That series had a similar impact on me, as did Ken Burns' exhaustive series on World War 2. I cannot get enough, for some reason.

I'm sure that's part of the source of my intense admiration for the military, though I never joined the service myself. Dave-O, in spite of his issues, and whether he wants it or not, will always have my deepest respect and admiration. I'd do anything for that man. Hey Dave-O... need a kidney by chance? Exceptional people get exceptional treatment! Some folks say you're no good, 'ceptin' for fighting and hell-raising... but I say... the pure warrior... a magnificent anachronism.

I know war is not something to romanticize... I know it is a strange blend of hell, boredom and chaos, and at its worst is saturated with the stench of death. I'd end all war and all reasons for war forever if I could. But there's something about the setting of World War 2... it seemed so cut and dry, so black and white. The bad guys were evil, the good guys were truly, epically heroic. It was perhaps the greatest need, requiring the greatest commitment and sacrifice, presented to the greatest number of countries/peoples ever to present itself to any generation of mankind. Something about watching the old black and white newsreel footage of the war, any of the fronts, that just glues me to the set, and takes me back in time, and makes me hope that somewhere inside me resides the same level of guts and fortitude that moved the Allied men to action back then. I'd like to think I had it in me to stand shoulder to shoulder with such men. Nobody asks to be a hero, it just sometimes turns out that way...

Dang, I'm off in Tangentville again... sorry... lemme change the subject, but before I do, if you don't belong to NetFlix, why the heck not? It isn't expensive, and you can watch thousands of movies, documentaries and TV shows from your computer, streamed anytime you want! I watched a doc two nights ago on the Forbidden City in Beijing, for crying out loud! How awesome is that?

OK, no more Netflix commercial.

Cue another harsh segue and.... Action!

OMG, I so wish I had the nad to do this...

Can you imagine doing that?

Joseph! This is your third mention in a week! That must be a record of some sort! And I have no reason for mentioning you, except to say Hi! So... hi. Did you go to Comicon this year? If so, did you tell Wolverine/Patrick Rothfuss/Captain Kirk I said hello? Did you dress up as an anime character? If not, I understand completely. If you did, can I post a pic up here? I'd ask Rebekah to let me post that pic of her dressed as that anime character, but something tells me she'd say no...

Man, kinda light on the movie quotes again tonight, sorry. It's not like you guys can't easily spot them anyway... you're all so good at it now, I'll never sneak one by you again, I'm sure... may have to come up with a new contest for August...

Anyway, that's that for today. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap. Tune in tomorrow for more nonsense. Until then, remember, on the most exalted throne in the world, we are seated on nothing but our own arse.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

I Told You I'm Different. I Could Have Dropped You with the Sharks.

"Root beer float" or "Flute rear boat," which one?

Dang... triple-spoonerisms are hard... I'll have to see if I can come up with one that actually makes sense...

Greetings, one and all! 'Tis I, Dave the Weary, back from a full day of LANning it up at the Wilson's. It was me, Dimitri, Jayson and Keno to go along with the resident Wilson's (Vye, Laythe, Shannon and Christian), and we played Unreal Tournament 3, Warcraft 3, and a Warcraft 3 mod called something along the lines of "Heroes X" or something. I'm sure Vye will correct me on the name. It was a veritable buttload of fun. I won my share of rounds at UT, and contributed to a 7 vs 1 victory over Vye (2 of them, actually)... yes, Vye is that good that it takes 7 of us to beat him, including 3 of us who are quite good at the game as well. Of course, I'm not one of those 3, lol... well, one person struggles, we all struggle. One person triumphs, we all triumph.

Nevertheless, games were played, snacks were eaten, wind was passed, and a good time was had by all. I took my camera so I could grab a few pics for tonight's blog post, but I never took any... Anyway, I look forward to the next one. But I am spent. I'm going to sleep well tonight, I'm sure. I'm gonna need good sleep too... tomorrow Dr Diane is teaching at the morning service, so I know both barrels will be fired, that's for sure. She carries some spiritual weight, for better or worse. In my case, it's for better, but not everyone is as big a fan of her as I am, I don't know why...

As I mentioned yesterday or the day before, I finished up the second of Scott Lynch's books in his Gentlemen Bastards Series... at least, I assume that's the name of the series - it doesn't say on Amazon, and I'm too lazy to check for a Lynch website at the moment. Here is my brief review, for the zero people that might be interested... the rest of you can skip over the next paragraph and pick of the tepid-stream-of-vapidity-that-is-my-blog at that point...

Red Seas Under Red Skies Review: It's missing what made the first one unique, which is not necessarily a bad thing. The first book (Lies of Locke Lamora) skipped back and forth through time so often, it required often intense focus to follow. Red Seas eschews that approach, for the most part, especially in the middle, with a very long straight-forward narrative at sea, where Locke and Jean pretend to be pirates. Early on, the stage is set for a huge conflict between our heroes and three Class A villains (and a couple Class B's as well)... and as the book nears the final hundred pages, they are still out at seas, nowhere near in position to tie everything up, unless it ends up being severely and unsatisfactorily rushed. Needless to say, Lynch is sadly swift in his resolution, quickly handling all the villains (but one), leaving one open end, and a cliffhanger to whet the appetite for a third book. I give the book a C (or 2.5 stars out of 5, or a 6 on a 1-to-10 scale, whatever), and will stick it on my shelf, next to book 1, to gather dust until a friend or relative is desperate enough to ask me for something mediocre to read...

OK, one more brief addition, sorry... if you're skipping the review, continue one more paragraph, if you don't mind. The only reason I will likely read the next book in the series (The Republic of Thieves) is to see if Lynch reveals anything about the ancient and long-gone civilization that built the Elderglass Cities that the people of the present world currently inhabit. I hold out very little hope that Lynch will actually realize the potential inherent in his two main characters, Locke and Jean. There's actually a prequel in the works as well, I found out tonight... It's called The Bastards and the Knives, and it is actually a pair of novellas (in one volume) that set down some of the back story of Locke's merry little band of thieves. Amazon has the same release date for both books, so that can't be right...

OK, I'm done. Not a traditional review, per se, but hey, I'm not exactly a traditional dude, ya know? Don't make me have to talk about the Holocaust again....

Better drop a Funny Picture in here, to break up the monotony...

Thought I'd keep the "super-geek" content trend going and post this nerd's Star Wars tattoo. Pretty funny, actually... we'll see how funny it is in 10 years, 20 years... tattoos are forever, baybay! I saw another funny tattoo recently... it was a tat of Elvis and Abraham Lincoln, jumping and giving each other a "high five"... not sure what the symbolism was, but it must mean something...

Todayve in History: July 26
- July 26, 1775: The US Post Office is born! (Their first act was to raise the price of stamps.)

- July 26, 1908: The FBI is born! (Their first act was to investigate the Post Office...)

- July 26, 1944: The first German V-2 rocket hits Great Britain. (You want my blood? Take my blood!)

Among those celebrating birthdays today are: Gracie Allen (1895), Stanley Kubrick (1928), Mick Jagger (1943), Kevin Spacey (1959) and Sandra Bullock (1964).

Joseph had a birthday on the 25th! Joe, you are The Man. Sorry, I didn't buy you that motorcycle you said you wanted. If you do get a motorcycle, here's an invention you might find useful...

I don't have anything else in the tank for tonight, sorry. I'm gonna go read and go the heck to bed. Until tomorrow, remember, although I disapprove of the things you've done, I can't quite bring myself to condemn you.

PS Sorry, Shannon, I couldn't find a good place to squeeze your suggested movie quote in... I'll try again tomorrow...

Friday, July 24, 2009

A Fellow of Infinite Jest, of Most Excellent Fancy.

Anagram of the Day: Oriental --> Relation

Boom! Figured that anagram out myself, thank you! Thank you so much! Really, no, thank you... ah, one of the side benefits of being a Scrabble Head. Well, it's a double-edged thing, really... it's subconscious now. I see a word, anywhere, a sign, a car trunk, a book title, and I immediately start to anagramize it. I first look for S's and set those aside. I look for ER and ED, for TION and ING. That's what I did with Oriental, actually... I pulled out the TION and set it aside, which left R, E, A and L. After that, it was quick work.

You'd think with all of the subconscious anagramization that I do, I'd be awesome at Scrabble... if you add up the near 1,000 games I have between my old laptop Scrabble and the Scrabble Online version on my MacBook, you'll find my winning percentage against Maven is quite a bit below 50%. It has my "rating" at about 1600 - 1650. If you know anything about the Scrabble Tournament Ranking System, you know how mediocre that is... they don't necessarily take into account winning/losing, as much as they judge how well a play you made with the letters you had. Who knows what it would be if I actually played against real people instead of the Pro ranking of Maven (approx 1700 score). It drops Bingos on me all over the place, which is frustrating. I might get one per game, whereas Maven will usually get 3, and sometimes double that.

Scrabble is only partially about skill... a lot of it has to do with the letters you pull, which is really random. Boggle's the same way, sort of. Word Wars is a cool movie about competitive Scrabble, as is the book Word Freak, by Stefan Fatsis. Most of the best players in the world are complete freaks, nuerotic, extreme nerds, pill head, etc. Not a crowd I'd like to pal around with. But they're fun to observe, from the safety of this side of the page/screen.

Anyway, I certainly didn't intend to talk about Scrabble tonight... just sort of happened. In fact, how did I get on that topic again? Oh, yeah, the anagram. There's a strange sort of satisfaction I get when I can anagramize a big word in my head. Oh, sure, I could cheat and go to one of dozens of "anagram solver" websites, where you plug a word in, and it will give you every possible anagram variation, but what fun is there in that? Those world-class Scrabble freaks hang out and test each other to stay sharp. They'll pick a 7 to 10 letter word, automatically break the word down in their heads, and put the letters in alphabetical order, then say "OK, guys, how about this one: A, B, B, C, E, L, R and S." Then the others will listen to the letters once, rearrange the letters (in their heads, mind you), and race to see who can announce the word first. "Scrabble!"

This is the part where I force myself to change subjects...

I watched a fascinating documentary last night on the history of the way the Holocaust has been portrayed in Hollywood films since it happened. They showed how it was handled with kid-gloves initially (except for Chaplin's The Great Dictator, of course), and slowly, in waves, began to get more and more gritty with it. It was a fascinating evolution. Of course, they had to show "The Scene" from Sophie's Choice. Man, even pulling The Scene out of the film and inserting it into a documentary, I still cried like a baby watching it. Man, that Scene is way up there at/near the top of the list, as far as moments in cinema that strip me bare and run me through with a rusty saber. Sure, go ahead and grind me to powder, thank you very much!

Whenever I contemplate the Holocaust, I marvel that so many people could band together to perpitrate such an unfathomably evil horror. I get the same knot in my stomach when I marvel that I live in a country where murdering children is legal. Not only legal, but a fiercely fought-for "right". The whole issue drips with illogic, contradiction, insanity and hypocrisy. If I could, I would make abortion illegal so fast, it would make everyone's head spin. I mean, I would outlaw it right now.

This conversation sure took a turn toward the macabre... Guess I should have stuck with talking about Scrabble! Seems kind of absurd to try and go the "funny picture/video clip" route now, eh?

Tomorrow is The Summer 2009 Lan Party at the Wilson's house. I'll be driving Dimitri up tomorrow morning. It won't be an all-nighter this time... it's set for 9am to 9pm, which should be fine, of course. I bought a copy of the Warcraft 3 Battle Chest today and installed it on my system. I'll bring a few other games along, just in case we want to mix it up a bit. I'm looking forward to it, that's for sure.

Although I saw this next sequence of photos, and I became afraid...

Don't know who that kid is, but it shows the physical transformation that occurred once he got hooked on World of Warcraft, lol. Hard to believe that's the same dude, but apparently it is! Dang! I don't want that to happen to me! Maybe there was a medical reason as well...

Went out on a "date" with wifey tonight. Around here, that means eating out someplace without one or more of our kids tagging along. It was nice, I suppose. Plan A had a line out the door, so we quickly decided on Plan B, and had a decent meal, and saved about half of what we would have spent at Plan A. And we had a good chat. Chalk that one up to constructive relationship building.

Random Bits: The Order of the Stick updated today! Yay! Also, isn't that a killer Great Pyramid pic at the top of this post? Plus, I tried to find more cool blogs to subscribe to tonight... found one that looks promising; I'll let you know. Finally, I can't wait for Diablo 3!!!

Well, dang, this is sort of an unorthodox post tonight, my apologies. Think I'll just finish this one up and call it a night. Gonna pass on digging for movie quotes tonight, other than the obvious two spots, if you don't mind. Havah pretty much has the contest wrapped up for July in any case, but still, I'll be back with more tomorrow. Just not feelin' it tonight. Of course, no quotes means no comments.... and you all know that I judge my self-worth by how many comments I get! Meh, I'll live...

Until tomorrow, remember, you cannot, sir, take from me anything that I will more willingly part withal. Except my life.

Current Book: A Cavern of Black Ice, by J.V. Jones (less than a week to Best Served Cold, woot!)
Current Movie(s): Music Box, Replacement Killers (lame) and Backdraft (I may watch Snatch again tonight)
Current Game(s): Half-Life 2 (again), Mahjong and FATE: Undiscovered Realms
Current Skin Tone: Pasty White

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Call the Vatican. See If Something is Missing...

"Shoes and socks" or "Susan shocks", which one?

Dave looped the apron over his head, tied the waist strings around himself, and then rubbed his hands together, smiling. He grabbed the Easy Blog Recipes cookbook down from the shelf, where it sat next to other titles like, Angst for Dummies, The Beginner's Guide to Bad Puns (7th printing!), and the yet-to-be-cracked-open Making A Marriage Work. He opened the recipe book up to a random page, laid it down on the counter and started to read...

"OK, let's see... this looks good... Haphazard Blog Stew. Serves a dozen. Yummy! OK..."

In a standard-sized blank blog window, start with something shocking to get the readers attention...

Dave stepped up to his laptop, thought for a second, and began to type...


You're NOT going to believe this... are you sitting down? Remember all the hoopla yesterday about the unexpected car repairs? Remember I nearly plummeted to my doom? Well, driving into work this morning on the freeway, guess who took a rock off the windshield? Yup, the rock left a nice star, which, by noon, had spread in the glorious San Diego heat about 18 inches across my sight line. Yes, your memory is correct... it was only 3 months ago that I replaced my previous windshield, for the same reason! Oh, goodie! More repairs needed!

Not only that, but ever since I got my car back, the gears grind when I shift into second gear, about 20% of the time. One of the things I got done yesterday was changing the transmission fluid. It never did that before... it's disconcerting, to say the least. Plus, a couple other small details that didn't get addressed. These guys have been servicing my cars since the dawn of time! They're supposed to know what they're about, yes? Well, I'll call them Friday and see what they have to say.

Dave stepped back to the cookbook and picked up where he left off...

Be sure your opening was actually shocking, not merely whiny.

"Oops." Dave put a hand on his hip, and with the other hand rubbed the top of his head. He glanced over at the laptop screen again, and said aloud, "Shoot... should I erase it and try again? Nah. OK, what's next?

Stir in a quick observational anecdote that no one but you will find interesting.

"That will be easy..."


You know what I discovered today? As tedious and boring as printing and folding brochures all day can be, there is a way to make it more tedious and boring still... and that is print/fold brochures while simultaneously watching 2001: A Space Odyssey streamed from Netflix Watch Instantly. I don't know what the big deal is about that film. The Netflix user reviews are loaded with people going on and on about how it's one of the greatest films of all time. If by "greatest" they mean "excruciatingly boring and unintentionally funny", then sure, I could go for that. If there was ever a movie badly in need of a competent editor, it's that film. It's about an hour too long. Actually, it could have used a decent script-writer as well, all due respect to Arthur C Clark.

It won 2 Oscars in 1969 (for Visual Effects and Original Screenplay, believe it or not), and was nominated for two more (Director and Art Direction) and is featured on several prominent "Best Film" lists. Maybe it's just my utter lack of enthusiasm for all things Sci-Fi, but I thought the movie was an interminable turd. I can't decide if its the "worst Best Movie" or the "best Worst Movie" I've ever seen. Maybe I'm just a product of the "explosions and non-stop action" generation, I don't know.

I watched a couple other really lame movies lately as well. New Jack City (inane) and Legend of 1900 (super-schmaltzy... dare I say... treacle!), both turds. I'm jonesing for a good movie. Next in line from Netflix, as far as what I'm getting in the mail, are "Confessions of a Shopaholic" - that's for the Wagner Women, obviously - and "Music Box" with Jessica Lange. That one's for me. I've seen it before - a terrific movie. Lange plays a lawyer who defends her immigrant father in a trial against accusations that he was a Nazi war criminal in WW2 - an accusation which she finds to be utterly preposterous. Of course, over the course of the investigation and trial, she discovers the extremely ugly truth about her father, which culminates in an incredibly strong scene at the end.

I remember the second time I watched Music Box... during the trial scenes, I kept waiting for the incredibly vivid flashback scenes, which detailed eye-witness accounts of certain things her father was being accused of. I remembered how strong the scenes were. Imagine my shock when those scenes never played, but instead it was simply the witnesses on the stand recounting the tales verbally... the stories were so strong, told just with words, that I added the strong visuals myself in my mind... so strong, I would have sworn that they were literally scenes in the movie.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing it yet again. Lange was nominated for a Best Actress Oscar for her portrayal. I'm glad she was... the saddest thing in life is wasted talent.

"There, that should qualify," Dave said, stepping back over to the book...

Before you lose all of your readers, throw in a funny picture, and a video clip. Mix thoroughly.


Funny Picture Time!
Umm... oh, crap!

Paula was talking in her latest blog post about zoo animals, and how sad it is, in a way, for these animals to be on display in captivity instead of out in the wild, where they belong. I do agree, to a point... however, I'm apt to believe that in many cases, they certainly are a measure safer in zoos. They don't have to deal with hunters/poachers in a zoo, that's for sure. Not too often the tables are reversed, as in the picture above.

I was going to complain tonight about the lack of updated blogs for me to read, and then Paula had to go and update her blog! You ever heard the expression, "be careful what you wish for?" I know you guys all have lives and whatnot, I appreciate that. In my perfect world, I'd always have fun new blog posts to read from Paula, Havah, Dave-O, Shannon, Marky and Claudette, all the time! It isn't about dedication and loyalty... it's about belief in what we do! I may have to add a few more links to my blog collection, to satisfy my hunger for fresh posts! Later, I'll Google "best blogs" again, and see what I can find...

Here's a funny video clip for you... sorry it's so grainy. I'll look around for a better copy of it and replace the embed, if I can...

He got hit by a car horn, lol. Dang, dude must have been scared. Is this moron #1? Put moron #2 on the phone.

Dave checked the cookbook again...

Sprinkle in some movie quotes, and cook in oven at 375 degrees for 15 minutes. Let stand for 10 minutes, proof-read and serve.

"Mmm... this is going to be yummy!"

Variation: Fold in 1/2 cup Daily Trivia to add spiciness and zip.

"Hmmm.... why not?" Dave browsed over to Wikipedia and scanned the day's trivia...

Todayve in History: July 24
- July 24, 1911: Hiram Bingham III discovers Machu Pichu, the Lost City of the Incas. (These high-rise gigs give me the creeps...)

- July 24, 1969: The returning Apollo 11 capsule splashes down safely in the Pacific Ocean. ("Houston, the Eagle has cannonballed.")

- July 24, 2005: Lance Armstrong wins his 7th consecutive Tour de France. (And when it gets hard - and it will - don't quit on me, ever!)

Among those celebrating birthdays today are: Oswald Chambers (1874), Amelia Earhart (1897), Barry Bonds (1964), and J-Lo (1969). Peter Sellers died this day in 1980... he knew the risks, he didn't have to be there. It rains... you get wet.

Well, I think that's it for me today. I'm gonna go upstairs and pay a visit to the shower fairy. Until tomorrow, remember, either you're part of the problem or you're part of the solution... or you're just part of the landscape.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

What is Steel Compared to the Hand that Wields It?

"Repercussions" or "free percussions", which one?

:O AAA!!!!!! I took my car in to get the tires rotated and the oil changed, and it turned into $700 worth of repairs! Help! I'm passing out! And I'm typing this on my laptop while perched precariously on the end of a crane arm 40+ stories over downtown San Diego traffic! I crawled up here to rescue a cat, while also taking photos of the sunset over the Pacific, and daydreaming about the stories of the people in the planes passing overhead, when I suddenly realized I needed to update my blog, and then remembered that I spent money I didn't have on car repairs I didn't realize I needed... and now I'm going to pass out!

OK, I better write out my Last Will and Testament. Let's see... to Joseph, I leave my laptop. You can delete all of the funny photos I've collected to use here in the blog. Except this one... don't delete this...

Funny Picture:

The rest of them you can delete though. OK, let's see... to Abbie, I leave my collection of cool cat videos. I'll trust her to share some of them with Grace. And to Grace, I leave my collection of browser bookmarks in my Firefox browser. That way she can waste the time I would have wasted by sifting through dozens of weird websites I've collected over the years. OK, to Havah, I leave my blog, with the assumption that she will update it every day. To Dave-O, I leave my BF2 stats, since he's the only one that will appreciate them for what they are - a testament to utter mediocrity. To Bob, I leave my collection of religious cynicism, to add to his own impressive collection. To Marky, I leave my Celtic neck tie and my favorite chamberpot.

To Vye, I leave all the wind I would have passed on Laythe in the coming years, for him to "pass on" to Laythe as he sees fit. I trust him. To Shannon, I leave the final lingering shreds of teen angst I have hoarded for a rainy day... I never got to use it, so it's yours to squander as you wish. To Rebekah, I leave my undying appreciation for her ability to combine beauty and nerdiness so awesomely, and my unmatched socks collection. To John, I leave my copy of Scrabble Online, along with the memory of my greatest single word play in my history of Scrabble games: BLOOMIER, across 2 triple-word score spots, for a staggering 198 points (I achieved nerdvana after that play). To Paula, I leave my penchant for misplaced self-deprecating humor... wait, she has that already... hmm... my wrestling DVD's? No, those go to Josh... my stack of "books I didn't like enough to ever read again"? No, she probably has enough of those too... my booger collection? No, that's disgusting... could sell it on ebay, I suppose, but that would be a hassle... hmm... man, Paula, you're hard to shop for! I know! My collection of Ohio Jokes! That's the one right there...

And to my Mom, you get everything else! Anyone I didn't name, talk to my mom. She'll hook you up with some Dave Memorobilia.

OK, I'm ready to pass out and plummet to my doom now... wait, why was I upset again? Oh yeah! The unexpected car bill! :O AAAAAAAA!!!!!!! OK, I'm ready! Goodbye, cruel world!

Meh, I survived. Sorry. You all get nothing! Nothing, I say! MUAHAHAHAH!!!! The power! The power!!!!1!!!! Relax, Sparky, I was on the bomb squad for 10 years.

Oh, well... it's just money, right? No big deal, right? And now, my car is all better, right? Right? Come on, convince me it was a good thing already! What kind of friend are you? Assuage my angst already! You're not here to kill me; I figured out that for myself...

Forget it... let's see... how about The Gutbuster of the Day, from This Is Why You're Fat:

The Mork from Ork: A half-pound duck+pork patty, cheddar cheese, 7 strips of maple bacon, sauteed onions and Zillion Island sauce on a Kaiser Roll. Not sure what "zillion island sauce" is, but it looks like thousand island and ranch mixed together. Lemme go Google it and find out, brb... ok, I couldn't find out what it was, but I did find out that this burger is all OVER the place! Man, blogs and forums everywhere... sheesh! I feel like a copycat now...

Better move on...

Todayve In History: July 23
- July 23, 2009: Dave's mild depression, induced by car repair bills, finally subsides, after his blog readers convince him to "let it go, man... let it go." (At first, Dave thought they said to "let one go", which caused confusion.)

- July 23, 2009: Dave drank a personal-record 3 Venti Caramel Macchiatos from Starbucks, and his heart exploded. (Good thing it was made out of legos... it was easily reassembled.)

- July 23, 2009: Dave is arrested for indecent exposure and disturbing the peace after streaking through the nearby mall, while shouting "today is the first Dave of the rest of your life!" (They caught him while he was waiting in line at Starbucks, to buy his 4th macchiato.)

As you can tell, not much of interest happened on July 23rd in history. But I'd already typed out the header, so I was committed. I mean, I was committed to finish the segment, not like I was committed to an institution or something... o you know what I mean, sheesh! What about the guy you lobotomized? Did he get a refund?

I'm at the tail end of Red Seas Under Red Skies... I should finish it tonight. I would elaborate at length about why I didn't like it, but that would bore you to bitter tears, and I'd never live it down... I'm ready to start a new book and series; the series is The Sword of Shadows, the book is called A Cavern of Black Ice, and the author is J.V. Jones. There, more useless information for you to file under "Barely Registered & Quickly Forgotten." Glad I could help!

By the way, I was so bummed by the fact that someone as cool as Rebekah was languishing in last place in the Quote Contest with 3 points that I awarded her 25 bonus points, for no reason. Boom! Tied with Grace for 6th, just like that.

I guess I'm done. That's enough philosophy for now. No self-respecting wiseguy would ever be caught dead in a joint like this. Until tomorrow, remember, you'd be amazed what you'll agree to when you're on fire.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

We're Eating Oranges and We're Making IDs!

Don't worry, people, no need for alarm... it's just a good old fashioned low-tech stick up!

My 200th post! What do I win? Is anyone going to bake me a cake? If so, make it with coconut frosting and shredded coconut on it... that way I won't have to share it, since I'm the only person in the world that likes coconut... and if I've learned anything from my 3 year old, it's if you're cute enough, you don't have to share. I figure, to make myself cute enough, all I'll have to do is grow my hair out, change my name to Edward Cullen, and become a vampire. Oh, and make my face all pasty. Then I won't have to share my coconut cake with anyone, and life will be good...

They have this new yogurt place that opened up at the mall near our house. It's a self-serve place, with a crazy variety of cool toppings... you pay by the weight. Anyway, the other day I got some mango and pomegranate yogurt, and topped it with fresh strawberries and kiwis, and shredded coconut. It was awesome. It cost me a small fortune, but I ate every bite. And because it was fat free yogurt, I felt healthy! Then I drank a 6 pack of red bulls and stayed up for a whole week... at the hospital... so much for healthy.

OK, I made the red bull part up. Yeah, I sometimes exaggerate for effect. Sorry, I could sense I was losing you, so I had to resort to the standard tactic writers use to keep attention... blatant, ridiculous fabrication. OK, so let's see... so far tonight I've advocated narcissism, selfishness and lying. Man, I am on a roll! I guess you'll just have to slap the cuffs on me and take me in...

Shifting gears, I've been thinking that it might be time to shift the blog over to my new Wagnervana site. Would you all be willing to follow me over to that site soon, instead of here? Or do you despise change? Again, I have selfish motives, really... if I'm writing the daily blog on the site itself, then I'll be there to also work on the rest of the site as well. I added a page for my favorite video clips, but for some reason it isn't converting the embed codes to videos, it's just displaying the embed code. I have to figure out what's going on there... I gotta have a favorite videos gallery, it's a must.

Plus, I was thinking of adding a page for the fantasy novel that I have rolling around in my head. Yes, I know, I know... why start a new project when I have a perfectly awesome older project unfinished and languishing on the back burner? I don't know. I honestly don't know. All I do know is that the fire is not there for the first novel at the moment, and hasn't been for a while now. And at the same time, my mind keeps churning on this new book. I even have the opening chapter in my head, which coalesced today in fact. I think I should write it down while it's fresh and toasty in my brainpan. Perhaps it will spur me forward on my other book as well, who knows?

Funny Picture Time
Bombs away!

I found a bunch more funny pictures today. They are snuggled away in my archive for future use. I'm glad... I was getting a bit low... well, it's better to have it and not need it, then to need it and not have it...

I picked up 6 big points in the Movie Quote Contest for the two unidentified quotes from the July 19th post. "Free your mind" was from The Matrix, and "Have you ever been in the depths of despair" was from Anne of Green Gables. Although it's sort of moot at this point, as far as winning the contest. Havah seems to be pulling away. Bob is a busy bee of late... he told me he still speed-reads the posts, but he doesn't have time to dig up quotes or comment for the time being. I'm hoping that now that he's found a life, he'll post the secret in a comment at some point, so I can learn how to get one myself... alls I ever wanted was a white house with a walk-in closet...

Todayve In History: July 22
- July 22, 1934: John Dillinger, aka Public Enemy #1, is mortally wounded by FBI agents, aka The Feds. (He's seen the same things I've seen, and it's certainly made an impression on me.)

- July 22, 2003: Members of the 101st Airborne rid the world of Saddam Hussein's sons, Uday and Qusay. (Good riddance to bad rubbish.)

- Among those celebrating birthdays on July 22 are: William Spooner (1844), Alex Trebek (1940), Willem DeFoe (1955), and Shawn Michaels (1965). Spooner was the dude who inadvertently invented the Spoonerism, which I usually start out these threads with... take a phrase, swap two of the letters to make a new saying, often with amusing effects. The thing with Spooner is that he never did it on purpose, and never realized he was doing it... his students would listen for them and document them. It became a game with him, he did it so often.

As for Trebek, I'd post a Celebrity Jeopardy SNL skit here, but they're pretty crude, and I don't want to needlessly offend anyone. My favorite DeFoe movie is probably Boondock Saints, but I won't post a clip from that film either, for the same reasons. And Michaels is one of my favorite wrestlers, but I won't subject you to another wrestling clip so soon after last week's Lesnar/Big Show Collapsing Ring clip.

The LAN party is this Saturday, w00t! I plan on overdosing on beef jerky and Warcraft 3. I'll slump over my keyboard, and have to be rushed to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. The doctor will say, "It's a good thing he also drank a lot of energy drinks, otherwise we might have lost him..." Then I'll come home and blog about it. We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here!

Wifey is planning on taking the kids on a trip next week, along with a certain unnamed family from church. I figure, why not? They enjoy this other family, and it's their summer vacation, so why not go have fun, eh? So I'll be batching it for a few days. It's all good. In theory, I could make productive use of the time, working one or more of the websites, and/or getting some writing done. More realistically, I'll probably play PC games until my eyes bleed, and read the early morning hours away, as usual. So be it.

Is anyone else bummed that The Order of the Stick has only updated once in the past 2 weeks?

I think I'll hit the road. Until tomorrow, remember, you have never been this close to greatness in your short life, son. And you love it.