Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Importance of Beating Earnest



Greetings, all ye lads and lassies! Thursday, April 2nd, come and gone. I trust it was good for ya.

Rug Shop Day, part 2 today. Things were much more mellow at the shop than I had feared it would be, which was good. Tension gives me bowel angst, and the malodorous results guarantee isolation for me, which in turn results in mild depression and gratuitous snacking, which spirals into staying up till three a.m., first playing and then reading, and then being a zombie the next day from too little sleep...

Or so I'm told...

Took most of my family into work with me today. They ran an errand and then helped out around the shop a bit. On the way home, we did our excruciating routine. I knew we needed to grab some grub on the way home, so the game began. "Where should we eat, eh?" This segues into a chorus of, "I don't know, where do you want to eat?" and "Well, what do you feel like eating?" and "I don't care, anywhere is fine, really."

So, now that it has been established that "anywhere is fine, really," it follows that the first few suggestions are shot down since one or the other of the peckish participants is not, in fact, fine with anywhere.

Once it is decided which fine fast-food establishment we will patronize, the real fun begins... of course, I refer to the part where everyone (but me) stands in front of the counter, mouth open, staring in wonder at the menu, as though it has never been seen before. This triggers a chorus of "You go, I haven't decided" and "No, you go, I'm not ready." I order something quick and easy (the only alteration being no mayo... mayo is of the devil), and then try to prod my family into deciding, while glancing apologetically between the counter person and the person/people in line behind us.

Sometimes, the cashier is asked, "What about [menu item]? Is that good?" That question always boggles my mind. Asking the employee if something on the menu is any good? What is he/she going to say, "no"? "Uh, actually, ma'am, that particular menu item tastes like feet and it will give you atomic gas." Of course they will say it's good! They want you to order!

Next comes heavily modifying whatever is ordered - add this and that, take away this and that, extra this, and a little of this on the side. OK, so we're ordered, and paid for. Deciding where to sit is usually not a problem - so long as there is plenty of room on the table for the 600 or so packets/mini-cups of ketchup. The Wagner women do love their Vitamin K. Ketchup goes on everything - including (I kid you not) the fried chicken we had tonight. I tried to convince myself that it was not insane to dip a drumstick into a pile of ketchup - I mean, its *almost* like a chicken nugget, right?

The three-year-old is only concerned with her Sprite, lemonade or chocolate milk (as the case may be), so getting her to eat is a chore - surprising, for a kid who asks me for something to eat at home practically non-stop...

We wrap up with a bevy of "Why did you let me eat that?" and "Ooh, I wish I hadn't eaten so much". Then the cups are all refilled with soda that we will not drink. Not only will they not be consumed, but they will invariably end up staying in the rear cupholders of my car (which I rarely check) and will, after a day, usually leak through the bottom, causing a mess.

One new wrinkle to the routine is that now I also check the receipt before throwing it away - ever since Taco Bell accidentally charged me $74 instead of $14...

Ah, well, such are the joys of fatherhood. Family's are not cheap, but ultimately they're worth it (obviously)...

Nevertheless, I did come home grumpy, which means I had to try and assuage my angst (a.k.a. "meet my A's") the only way I knew how... by drinking Starbucks and playing Fallout 3. Well, I also started the next Wagnervana strip...

I have the latest James Bond film sitting here, from NetFlix, waiting to be watched. I have so many ways to entertain myself at my fingertips (mind out of the gutter, please) that many worthwhile ways to pass the time are waiting in line, crying out to me to be taken advantage of... books, games, music, movies, TV shows (on Hulu, mostly), writing, working on comics and/or videos for the blog... too bad I can't clone myself! Think of all the time I could fritter away then!!! I could accomplish nothing of value so much faster!

I've been thinking about painting again, actually. Get some stuff up on the walls in this house, other than our rather unorthodox decoration style, which I call "Haphazard Chic". Yards and yards of white walls, with random little clusters of framed Ansel Adams pics grouped together (to counter the lonliness, I suppose), along with squished spiders and bugs that no one bothers to wipe off (which have now hardened in place, someday to be painted over), scattered lonely nails (from which other Ansel Adams pics once hung, but have now mysteriously vanished), and occasionally, at about the three-foot level, a booger.

At least in my office, I have a pair of Jacks on the wall (Bauer and Sparrow).

Well, I do suppose that just about does it for me today. Until tomorrow, remember, if you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people!

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA great stuff sir


Dave-O

Vye said...

ketchup does go with everything. Usually someone in my family will ask if I'd like some food with my ketchup. It tastes good, what can I say?

Anonymous said...

very good Dave..takes me right back to the days when I would take my kids to eat..like a little traveling circus of bad manners and fart jokes [I think Rollo was born at Dennys]..anyway, Johns home and I think I'll get my good glasses and see what those marks on the wall are at the 6 ft level..they better be bugs...Carla

Abbie said...

oh dave, i've eaten with your ladies too and that is a very accurate telling. :) its all fun, but dang, they love their ketsup!! Yeah, you should go back to painting, that would be very very cool. See you tonight!

p.s. the script for the play is good; i like it a lot.

The Surrendered Scribe said...

So with you on this! Our house believes mayo is of the devil, we just finished watching the latest 007 on Netflix, and we have one Jack on display---Bauer of course!

JesusPuppy said...

Poor Dave.. Makes me feel rather glad I just have to come home to the Duffus dog.

Pup...

Joanne Sher said...

hehe, Dave. Been there, done that!

Lynda Schab said...

You are describing our family to a T. I'm talking, everything from the "anywhere is fine" to the staring at the menu for minutes on end while the line continues to grow and the cashier suppresses several yawns (but is secretly thankful for the break). With us, it usually ends up being wherever we have a coupon for, which adds up to more confusion at the cash register.
Great post! I so relate.