Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Empty What is Full. Fill What is Empty. Scratch What Itches.


"Chopsticks" or "Stop Chicks," which one?

I'm telling ya, the love is gone! I can't do it anymore! It's just... it's just dead to me! Blogging is dead to me! I ... I just can't do it anymore... I can't... write... another... post...

O_o

Whadaya think? That's my Method Acting Lesson for the day... it's a short monologue, true, but I tried to infuse it with emotion and the right amount of angst and pain and self-loathing. Well, did it ring true to you? How authentic was the self-loathing, really? I was trying for a sort of Sean Penn/Christopher Walken/end of "At Close Range" type of vibe, with like the tears and screaming and the blood dripping down one arm. Maybe if I added police sirens slowly getting louder in the background... "Is this the Family Gun, dad?"

Anyway, hey, whats up, eh? Eh? What's, like, up, eh? Eh?

For future reference, when someone asks "what's up," the correct response is "Dave's IQ, pal!" and then let out a really loud burp. The burp part is important; it projects authority and leaves no room for argument or backtalk.

OK, that's out of the way. Let us proceed...

Highlights of the Day
an emotion-drenched list by David Wagner

- Rug Shop Day today.
- Office Depot run for supplies.
- Thai Beef pita sandwich and a Macchiato for lunch.
- Bought Best Served Cold at book store after work.
- Chinese food for supper.
- Went to the Jo's house for mini-prayer meeting.
- Almost walked into a big, fat black spider walking to my car afterwards. Wet self a little.

That, my friend, is the type of hard-hitting, heart-wrenching, captivating information that you tune in each day to read! I know it's a sacrifice for you... once you read a list like that... it changes you forever... not always for the better, either...

The good thing is, now that it is over (cue the mixed feelings), I can move on to the truly important facet of this post... The Gutbuster of the Day, from This Is Why You're Fat...


This is very aptly named The Hurler. It is a burger patty topped with something dreadful called "Easy Cheese" and put on a jelly donut as a bun. I believe its creator named it after he/she took that bite you see there. All I can say is, that's so gross, it brings a tear to my eye.

Glad I could share it!

Watched another pair of short WW2 documentaries today. One on the Battle of Stalingrad, and the other on the Battle of Britain. Yes, they were awesome, each shedding light on facets of their subjects that I had never known before, but no, I will NOT elaborate on them here! You don't deserve it! You expect me to go into some of the fascinating details surrounding these events after you so mercilessly mocked and belittled me on live television like that! And then you posted the clips on the internet, so I could endure a thousand times the mockery ad nauseum, as well as having to endure the crude, stale wit of the lunkheads that leave comments on the clips... is this to be endured? It shall not be!

Actually, I just don't feel like wrenching my mind into a position to remember all the details and then present them in a way that was even remotely interesting... so I'm lazy today, sue me...

Hmm... well, I suppose I could track down a funny/cool video clip for your amusement/amazement... brb...

MARU!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!


Aw, yeah. Nothing completes an epic, "make it up as you go" blog post like a video of Maru. That cat... is way too cool...

Todayve in History: July 30
--------------------------------
- July 30, 1729: Baltimore, Maryland is founded. (I think that's when Cal Ripkin Jr.'s streak started too...)

- July 30, 1930: Uruguay wins the first World Cup. (It took two people to celebrate the goals... because they only had biplanes back then...)

- July 30, 1945: A Japanese sub sinks the USS Indianapolis. (If you've seen Jaws, you know what I'm talking about...)

- July 30, 1956: "In God We Trust" is officially authorized as the US national motto. (Too bad it didn't really take, eh?)

- July 30, 1975: Jimmy Hoffa disappeared. (Rule #1: Never change the deal...)

Among those celebrating birthdays today are: Henry Ford (1863), Casey Stengel (1890), Arnold Schwartzenegger (1947) and Lawrence Fishburn (1961). In honor of Lawrence Fishburn's birthday, I give you the Morpheus/Neo training fight scene from The Matrix.



Sorry about the little pop-up message during the first part... I don't know how to disable it...

By the way, my "biplane/soccer" one-liner was a bit out there, sorry... I pictured a person scoring a goal, ripping of his shirt and running around like an airplane today... then I pictured someone scoring a goal, and jumping up on a team-mate's shoulders, as they both take their shirts off and run around like a biplane back then... couldn't figure out how to get that out in a quick, funny way. FAIL.

Meh, I guess I'm done for the day. Not many movie quotes tonight. Havah has basically won July's contest. It's all over but the shoutin'. I need to decide if we do another round in August, or we try a new contest. I'm open to suggestions...

Until tomorrow, remember, fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.

9 comments:

Bobinho said...

Title is from Rescue Dawn... man, that movie sucked.. i'm a huge fan of Bale but that movie??... oh, man ://

Bobinho said...

"Is this the Family Gun, dad"

hmmm... At Close Range? :P

Bobinho said...

Last sentence is from The Matrix!

havah said...

Aww, Dave...now I feel bad...but I'll look for clips all the same.

"Rule #1: Never change the deal.." is from The Transporter

"is this to be endured? It shall not be" is from Pride and Prejudice


Loved The Matrix clip, btw :)

Krista said...

Every time I read your posts I just can't help myself but to laugh. You really are too funny for your own good...LOL!

That Burger looks absolutely gross! Who would even eat such a thing? "Not I, that's for sure!"

You got Best Served Cold! Lucky! When all is said and done let us know how it was, eh?

Captain Joe said...

Whoa... reading your posts, David, makes me feel like I've just been for a run.

There's a little bit of everything here. How does one find the motivation for such a daily endeavour?

marky said...

Woo-hoo! You've got BSC. I'm gagging to hear what you think of it.

Just stop everything else, and enjoy!

David Wagner said...

15 points for Emperor Bob, 10 points for Havah the Great...

Made quite a dent into Best Served Cold yesterday (and into the wee hours). Dang, Abercrombie continues his penchant for being extremely hard on his characters... I love a book that hooks you and pulls you along like shooting the rapids...

Krista: What do you mean I'm funny? What do you mean, the way I talk? Funny how? What's funny about it? I mean, funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you?

Bah, man, trying to quote Goodfellas in a blog comment never comes across as funny as doing the impression in real life... just putting the words there makes it seem like I'm just being a jerk... anyway, I'm glad you enjoy the blog...

Cap'n Joe: I literally have no idea what I'm going to write each day as I pull up a new post. I have one governing philosophy: What would I like to read if I were popping in here? Then I just write what I would find interesting/amusing myself. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't... I'd like to think that either way, it helps my writing and my ability to improvise...

I write the same way for the stage: if I was an audience member, would I want to watch this? I write from the perspective of the reader/audience.

As for why I do it each day, it was sort of a challenge I made to myself at the beginning of the year - to write a new post every day for a whole year. Sort of a resolution. I thought it might reignite my desire to finish my novel, but it hasn't... yet...

Marky: Loving the book so far. I'll let you know.

Abbie said...

dave, i love your kitty clips and this one was especially cute and funny! I love the end, where maru is just sprawled out on his back, what a lazy fat cat :D
I'm sorry you almost ran into a spider at my house... I wish the giant furry spider was still by the porch lamp and I could have shown her to you... she was amazingly huge!! :D