Thursday, July 9, 2009

I Get Paid to be Suspicious When I've Got Nothing to be Suspicious About...

Look, all I know is I'm going to play PC games into the wee hours of the morning tonight.

There, now that that's out of the way, let us begin...


Cool, Dave! Way to start things off with an overused, years-too-late and now-meaningless picture from a visually interesting but eminently forgettable Hollywood-Heavy film! I predict a play on "This is Sparta!" is forthcoming!

Nope, won't do it. Although, if I could add sound effects here, I'd have a really loud belch accompany the artwork, in a continuous loop. I guess you'll just have to provide your own, to complete the experience. Go ahead, run into your kitchen, grab a soda (room temperature, if at all possible)... I'll wait. Chug it, and by all means, let 'er rip. I mean, shake the friggin walls! This is Sparta, you know... If not for Leonidas, then do it for the children.

I know I've mentioned it before, but I can't drop a 300 reference in here without also referencing my favorite book of all time, Gates of Fire, by Steven Pressfield. Awesome book about the suicidal last-stand battle that was so ruthlessly rendered ridiculous in the movie above. I highly recommend reading it, if you haven't, and it's not just because I have an autographed and personalized hard-back copy of it on my office shelf. Terrific writing, terrific reading. Go ahead, run down to the book store right now, buy a copy of it and read it... I'll wait.

I still think there must be a funny T-shirt idea that could be done, with a mash-up of 300 and bowling a perfect game. You know, Leonidas roaring in victory at a bowling alley after bowling a 300... see, it's funny, see.... or at least it would have been back when the movie was coming out...

You're right, it's not that funny. Let me try again... I'm in this for all I've got!


What do you think? That's funny, right? Clever double-meaning, right? Hmm... it is initially funny, but after a few seconds it becomes mildly depressing, you're right... here, lemme try again...


Oh, come on! Now that's funny! A mash-up of Wizard of Oz and zombies... that's too funny... (that reminds me, Rebekah, is that "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" book that your bro bought you worth reading?) OK, fine, this one is funny enough, but that color combo is hard on the eyes... lemme try one last time...


That's the winner, right there. That shirt is totally something my brother John would wear.

In case you were wondering what that smell is, yes, I did eat Indian food tonight. It was actually very, very good food. Had a business meeting with my mommy and a third person, regarding the business web sites, and the plans for the near future. We'll have a more robust meeting about Rug Care Central once Josh comes out next month. Anyway, we ate Indian food and brought home a butt-load of left-overs, which I am about to go reheat and eat. Hey, I need some energy if I'm going to be up into the wee hours playing games...

I trimmed the bushes out front... are you all proud of me? I mean, thoroughly proud? I have such a green thumb, you know! It takes great skill to plug in an electric hedge trimmer, put ear plugs in, and buzz down the bushes. Hey, I figure, I can't have all the short hair around here, I might as well share the fun with the local shrubbery! Me, I don't talk much... I just cut the hair. I'm really digging my buzzed head, by the way... I'm tempted to keep it this short indefinitely... besides, it looks good with my newly-improved physique. Oh, come on, don't tell me you can't notice the results of the 10 push-ups I did last Sunday... I did 15 sit-ups yesterday as well! I am a paragon of health and fitness. I'll make my wife love me yet!

I have got to get one of these, once they start mass-producing them...


He's coming in... I feel safer already. Come on, that would be amazing. I could still waste hours playing games, but now I could do it standing up and slowly spinning in circles! It's like exercise, only with a lot more killing! Look, don't make me have to post that video of the disgusting unknown life-form that is living in that sewer in like North Carolina, or wherever that was. I'm sure some of you have seen the video already (Vye!) and I tell you, it is flat-out unnervingly disgusting. As much as I'd like to, I will spare the rest of you... some things seen can never be unseen... I remember when I first saw it... I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out.

I will, however, embed the newly-released trailer for the new Mechwarrior game that was confirmed today! YAY!!!! Giant robots rampaging through the city! Say hello to higher taxes, for all the repairs! We can't hold out forever, Kup, but we can give them one humongous repair bill!


That is so awesome, you gotta admit that. Go ahead, run into your garage and build a giant mechanized robot weapons platform, obliterate the neighbor's dog and come back... I'll wait...

In keeping with my theme of radical change, I decided to change my desktop wallpapers on my computers tonight. See, that's the kind of hard-hitting, soul-baring, emotionally-jarring info you tune in to read about, I know. Trust me, it's as hard on me to share it as it is for you to read it. But I believe we'll all be better off in the long run for it. So, as of right now, both of my PC's have a black and white winding mountain road photo on them. Yeah, same one for both systems, at the moment. Hey, too much change can bring about cardiac arrest. Don't want to die just yet, thank you... According to medical experts, I could stay like this for a very long time.

Ah, Indian Food leftovers! This post was taking too long to write, so I decided to reheat some of it now. Good stuff. I offered to share some with the little woman, but she flatly refused. Her reason? If I like it, then she'll hate it. Ah, the simple wisdom of the perpetually grumpy...

Hey, remember those Bloom County comic strips I've been threatening to post for the past two days? Well, here they are! And now that they're sufficiently over-hyped, you can skim them without even a chuckle, and wonder what all the fuss was about! The story is Michael Jackson is visiting Bloom County and Opus is sent to try and get MJ's backing for the Bill the Cat/Opus Presidential ticket back in 88. The proverbial "hilarity" ensues.... click to enlarge!


I read yesterday that "they" are finally going to release the complete Bloom County Collection this year. Awesome. My books are either missing or falling apart.

And with that, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am done. I hope your "blood to Dave ratio" is back up into healthy range. Until tomorrow, remember, if the sun comes up tomorrow, it is only because of men of good will. That is all there is between us and the devil.

23 comments:

havah said...

Title is from The Firm

"Me, I don't talk much... I just cut the hair." is from The Man Who Wasn't There

"We can't hold out forever, Kup, but we can give them one humongous repair bill!" is from The Transformers.

I'll comment later. I'm exhausted right now.

PS Love Indian food. I had curry tonight myself :)

David Wagner said...

15 exhausted points for Havah!

Hope your day in Savannah was a good one. Reminds me of Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (the book, not the film). I saved a terrific monologue from that book for my own personal collection.

Oh, come on... don't tell me you all don't have a personal monologue collection!

Avari said...

I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. - apocalypse now

Avari said...

According to medical experts, I could stay like this for a very long time.
= reversal of fortune

Avari said...

if the sun comes up tomorrow, it is only because of men of good will. That is all there is between us and the devil. = thirteen days

David Wagner said...

15 points for Shannon! woot woot!

Got the notice of shipment on your prize for June... should be here soon, I hope...

Vye said...

I freaked out when I saw that unknown life-form too. Just glad there isn't one of those things scurrying around my bathroom. Squishing spiders already peaks my grossness scale, I'd die if I had to take out one of those.

havah said...

"He's coming in... I feel safer already" is from Aliens.

havah said...

Ahh, the game gun. He should probably have patented it before that clip. Now if only you could mow the lawn like that...

Interesting game trailer. I suck at games like that. I die repeatedly. Give me one of those games were I have to solve stuff, and we're good to go...but action? Very sad.

Enjoyed the Bloom County. I don't buy the paper anymore, so I guess I'm going to have to keep scrounging online for comics if I want to read any.

I'm curious about the disgusting sewer thing. I always am about things that are gross. Shouldn't that just be a guy thing? Looking at stuff that grosses you out and that you don't actually want to see?

Warmonger Smurf said...

Hey Dave, what games are you playing these days? I've been playing Planescape: Torment for the last few weeks, and I think it's time I upgrade to something out of this decade.

David Wagner said...

How nice of you, Havah, to identify that Aliens quote for the first person to claim them next! You hit your 15 point limit, silly. Speed round doesn't start on a post until I post the next new thread...

By the way, if you really want to see the gross sewer creature, go to Today's Big Thing, scroll down a bit and look at the video for July 1. Don't say I didn't warn you, though...

Bloom County was an awesome strip. Like Calvin and Hobbes, it only ran for about a decade. Last time it was in the papers was 1989.

Smurf: I'm into old games myself lately. Other than Battlefield 2, I'm playing Half-Life 2 , Portal and some Warcraft 3 in prep for our upcoming LAN party...

Abbie said...

Dave, Vye, what are you talking about!! That was totally awesome!! I want to go touch it hahaha! I'd have to take Reb Jo with me in case it suddenly jumps off the wall, but man, that was so cool! did you see the last one had like an antenna thingy?!?!?! sweet....
oh and I like your funny pics Dave!

havah said...

I must have misunderstood. I thought it was a 15 points a day limit, and since my first quotes were done last night... Oh well...Sorry! :(

Off to see the creature...

havah said...

Okay, that is seriously cool! In a gross way. Did you read the article that goes with it? That creature is supposedly a 350 million years old a primitive life form called a Bryozoan. I'm emailing it to my brother! :D

Bobinho said...

"He's coming in... I feel safer already" is from Aliens. :DDDD

David Wagner said...

5 points for Bob! Good show.

Vye said...

lol Dave all the woman that read your blog like nasty unknown creatures. Something for the comic ;)

Vye said...

If it flew I'd say it was the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Avari said...

Hahaha. Yeah I agree. I thought it was pretty cool myself. I even showed it to Dad.

havah said...

*is confused*

David Wagner said...

Uh oh... what are you confused about, H?

havah said...

Nevermind, I figured it out. :) When you said 3 quote limit a day, you meant 3 quote limit per thread. Then when you post the next thread, there's a speed round on the previous thread. At least, I think that's how it works. I'm obsessive about understanding how stuff works...sorry. Me's a little slow! :)

Abbie said...

haha, good conclusion vye, lol, but interesting theory on the spaghetti monster bit :)
I showed the video to my mom and she was like, it looks like a blob of flesh. hahaha :D