Thursday, July 2, 2009

What a Story! Everything but the Bloodhounds Snapping at Her Rear End!


Simmering, simmering, simmering.... man, I'm in a mood tonight...

You know what I hate? BF2's artillery and jets. They drive this man insane.

In fact, here's the list...

Things That Drive Dave Insane (in no particular order)
------------------------------------
* Al Franken
* Most other liberals
* Fake religious people
* A certain unnamed woman
* Artillery and Jets in Battlefield 2
* Interruptions
* Acid Reflux
* My own propensity for laziness
* Trying to find a parking space in a full lot
* A house in an uproar
* Most reality TV shows
* Nothing good in the house to eat
* Being broke
* Having an awesome fart and no one around to share it with
* Getting no mail
* A certain unnamed woman (she needs two slots)
* Lame movies
* Spam email
* Crashing to desktop
* Being condescended to

Man, that's just off the top of my head. Holy cow, I'm a negative person! Well, I could always counter it with another list...

Things That Dave Loves
--------------------------
* My kids
* A nice steak
* A good book
* Ummm....

Uh oh, I'm in trouble...

Things have settled back to normal around the house. Lots of laughing and horsing around and hugginess again. Quite a contrast from 24 to 48 hours ago. I, however, am far from back to normal. In fact, I am really wrestling with bitterness about the whole thing. For the life of me, I will never understand the volcanic pattern. Not only is it unnecessary, it is flat-out destructive. And to hear laughter and goofing off again so soon after an eruption just plain ol' pisses me off, to the nth degree.

My conscience will not permit me to elaborate any further. I only state that to give an idea of where my head's at.


My usual frivolity and goofiness is still numbed from the procedure, so you have my apologies. I'm in post-op, so to speak. I'll be fine, don't fret. I just need a few days to regain my equilibrium and settle some things. In the mean while, I can't make any promises, as far as blog content and readability.

Man, speaking of readability, I read something Havah wrote today that full-on blew me away. It is so good, it's scary. I'm going to presume that it's ok to link to it here, for those interested, knowing that Havah will read this post not long after it goes live, and if she wants me to pull the link, I will gladly do so. Here it is. Read it only if you appreciate stunningly powerful, masterful writing.

Segueing down a few notches, I started the sequel to The Lies of Locke Lamora last night. Didn't make it too far, since it was well past three am when I started. I finished all of the Piranha newsletters for August, though, so that's a plus. I need to edit/format an interview transcript by tomorrow night for Piranha as well. Didn't do any additional jobs for Piranha or any other client this month, which doesn't bode well. Meager days, in many ways. Hey, that rhymed!

Meager Days by Dave Wagner
--------------------------------
Meager days, in many ways
Like the hen that no egg lays

Like the sun that sends no rays

Like resolve that bends and sways


Hunt and peck and glide along

Spin the dial, find that song

Hum and tap, it won't be long

Turn the tide, write that wrong


Meager days can help you see

The path to lame, forced poetry

Overwrought and quite corny

Embarrassing emotionally


"End it now" you'll scream and plead

"Before my eyes begin to bleed!"

And mercifully I'll have agreed

And I'll shut the heck up before you walk over here and kick me squarely in the gonads, which is unfun.

-------------------------

Meh, got a bit rough there at the end, but I still believe it is a piece worthy of my stature as a poet laureate. Of course, it wounds my heart with monotonous languor...

I better throw in a Funny Picture, before you start pelting me with rotten fruit...


Someone! Someone is! Someone is about to get! A face-full of dirt! Whooooo! Look out, bruthuh! This one's bound to bring the pain! Hope you have a good dental plan, my friend! Say cheese! Hope you don't soil yourself while you're out cold, big guy! Blammo! What is this red liquid coming from my paw?

There... did that work?

No? Hmm... guess I'll add a "funny" video into the mix... time for some Techno Toddler...



Hows that? Does that take the edge off that bad poem? It did? OK, good, we're cool again... whew. I almost had to break out my nice photographic series "Celebrities With Vye's Hair Photoshopped Onto Them" a few days early... Good, now I can wait until just the right time to launch that one. Timing is everything with comedy, you know that...

Shannon... I have a "prize" for you for winning the Quote Contest... but it's a secret. You have to be patient. Vye, if you tell her what it is, I'll do mean, rude and thoroughly ignoble things to you! Great, here it comes... the 'Victoria Cross' bit again...

Well, I think I'm going to call it a day. Kinda strung out a bit, like a barely-visible kite. This part of my life... this part right here? This part is called "being stupid." Until tomorrow, remember, 227 Lears... and I can't remember the first line....

15 comments:

Bobinho said...

Title is from All About Eve.. last line is from The Dresser ;)

Bobinho said...

"wounds my heart with monotonous languor" is from The Longest Day!

let July begin!!! :D

marky said...

I loved your poem! Funny, with a splash of saddness.

It wounds my heart with monotonous languor - The longest day.

What a line!

marky said...

Bobinho! You robbed me! You're too fast for me, Sir.

Anonymous said...

The pain experienced in your prison is nothing compared to the devastation caused by breaking out - just remember, it's not a life-sentence.

Vye said...

I told her something is coming, but I didn't tell her what. I wanted to see her trying to figure it out and otherwise driving herself crazy. Needless to say it worked, I'm satisfied.

/me does the jig

Avari said...

12 of the things on your list bother me also.
Nice poem, funny, even though you were making fun of yourself : ( .
My little sister loves to dance to Trance. I should get it on video she is hilarious. And one time we were watching Iron Man and that ACDC song came on in the beginning, Back in Black; she was sitting in a box on the counter and started head banging and each time the box got closer and closer to the edge. It was hilarious.

You got me a prize? Dave, it's just a game you don't have to get me anything. Just the fact that I won is enough. I have accomplished my goal! To win the movie quote contest at least once.

P.s. If the prize is anything like a big ol' fart or something..... No wait, that's something Vye would do to me, not Dave! .......

Vye said...

Don't be so sure :-O

David Wagner said...

15 points for Bob! I'll get the July scoreboard up and running tonight...

What the heck, 5 points for Marky also...

No a life sentence? Do you know something I don't? I assumed it was till death do us part, that sort of thing... maybe I misunderstand...

Shannon, if you don't like or want the "prize", you can re-gift it to Vye... I think he'd want it too...

Avari said...

I was just making jokes Dave. I'm sure whatever it is will be fine.

BTW I am going to get the camp pics up for you tonight. Sorry it has been taking so long.

Paula Titus said...

Very nice poem. :) I'm with you on the list of annoyances except for the fart thing, of course. I always make sure someone is around.

Abbie said...

whoa dave... interesting list...and i know how you feel about the whole 'everyone is happy like nothing ever happened' feeling... ick... its torture...

Avari said...

I lied. The pics will be up tomorrow. I don't know where to upload them to. Vye is busy and I just can't stay up any longer. I have them all ready to be put on there though.

havah said...

Thanks so much for the kind words and praise, Dave. I appreciate it. :) I'm sorry I don't post and thank you yesterday...I was otherwise un-entertained.

"...the Victoria cross bit again" is from Jungle Book.

PS You do realise you've broken my cover, right? ;)

havah said...

PS I understand the whole bitterness re: all-is-well-nothing-happened, all too well. I'm a little unbalanced myself right now. Well, more so than normal anyway.