Tuesday, May 19, 2009

What He Means Is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor. Real 'Wrath of God' Type Stuff!


"Altered" or "All turd", which one?

"Greetings," Dave shouted to the air, arms spread wide, spinning like a dirvish. He stopped spinning, straightened his shirt out, smirking, and strolled over to the desk, where his laptop sat, waiting his input for today's post. He sat down, pulled his chair closer, stretched his fingers out, not a clue what he would say, and began...

Graduation ceremonies give me bowel angst.

Hey, I'm all for celebrating the accomplishments of high school graduates, but man, having to sit through such tedium should be prohibited by the Geneva Convention. I'm not saying I'd rather be waterboarded... but I'd consider it.

It starts with the mad rush to get everyone ready for the event - usually involving the purchase of new articles of clothing - for the females anyway. Honestly, I think *some* females (who shall remain unnamed at this time) pretty much use any event as an excuse to buy a new dress and/or pair of shoes. In our case, we met Eldest Daughter at the event, and she (apparently) desperately needed us to bring her a particular pair of shoes. She ran up to get them, thanking us profusely, and proceeded to change shoes - and I couldn't tell the difference between the ones we brought her and the ones she had on already. I'll never understand the female mind...

Of course, running late, racing to get to the arena, difficult time finding parking anywhere even remotely close. We try and hoof it as fast as we can, making it most of the way before realizing we forgot something in the car. Race back to the car, then into the arena, finding a seat in the way back and we settle in to listen to a dozen of the most boring, cliche, tired, predictabe speeches ever.

There must be a single online resource that all Graduation Ceremony speech givers go to to copy/paste their speeches from. They should have "Graduation Speech Bingo Cards" for the audience, so that whenever a speaker talks about "following your dreams", one chapter ending, an new chapter beginning, a new road stretching before you, a broad horizon of hope, blah blah blah... The student speakers try to be funny. Lame analogies are throroughly wrung out - this time it was a car analogy ("You are the driver of the car of your life! And your future stretches before you like an open road!" - puke). And just when you think you've heard the last one, out another trots to read his/her speech off of index cards.

And then... all the diplomas are handed out. Finally! The audience gets a chance to clap and squeal like school kids - and most of them seem to be seated directly around me, and then are competing to see who can squeal and whistle the loudest. And none of them offer me an ibuprofen. 

Bit at least we're finished, right?

Nope... a song. And then.. a prayer. And then... a list of people to thank for putting all the effort into such a wonderful ceremony. Everyone bolts for the door, and the great swarming mass of humanity shifts like a giant amoeba in an effort to locate the giggling graduate that they came to see. Ah, the uncomfortable press of flesh! Squeals and hugs are passed out, the graduate quickly disappears, and then the exodus begins. How to find a way out of the swirling masses, trying to avoid getting in the way of impromptu photos and restroom lines...

Ah, well, what's a man to do but weep?

The 3 year old had a high fever throughout the night last night. Almost ruined all the fun! Aw, man! I almost had to stay home with her instead of going to the graduation! Aw man! But it broke before dawn and she was (and is) fine, so there it is.

It's odd to be sleeping in the same bed with wifey again... since the begining of the year, I've been on the couch - mostly because I've been snoring a lot, and it keeps her awake. She needs her sleep. I've brought along some of those nose strip things that are supposed to eliminate snoring, and it seems to help. You stick them across the bridge of your nose (they look like a band-aid, really) and it pulls your nose open further than normal, so you can breathe easier. I guess they work, but with a nose as big as mine is already, when I'm wearing a nose strip, it makes it larger still.. honestly, it looks like my face is coming in for a landing at Lindbergh Field...

Bolt is a funny movie. My brother in law has an AMAZING entertainment set up here. They have a 50 inch 1080dpi HDTV and a top of the line Blu-Ray player and surround sound system. I tell you, it even makes lame movies mesmerizing. When we first arrived, they were playing Close Encounters of the Third Kind, digitally remastered to blu-ray, and my mouth dropped open. I was like, "Hey, hello all, we made it! How are---" :O

I stood there, amazed. If you've never seen such a set-up, it would be impossible to explain. I know it sounds cliche, but I seriously thought I could walk through the TV and right into the movie. I mean, every little light, wrinkle, and shading on the faces and the backgrounds, it was seriously like looking through a window. I felt like walking toward the TV with my hands stretched out, mouth open, a little drool... 

We even watched A Night at the Museum - by all rights, a turd - and I couldn't stop watching it. 

We're going to a party tonight at Sister-In-Law's house - she's the mother of the graduate. There's supposed to be 200 people there. I am not looking forward to it. I don't dig crowds...

Gah! I've chattered all this time and I haven't put in a movie quote, funny pic or video clip!

Well, here's a Funny Pic:


A Hummer with Model-T tires. You gotta love it...

I think that's it for today. If I find a funny video clip, I'll edit it in here later.

Until then, remember, it's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting...

8 comments:

Warmonger Smurf said...

Ha! Yeah, I'm ruined; I haven't watched TV on anything other than a 50" HD monstrosity for the last four years. I can't go back.

Ghannah said...

Pee Wee's Big adventure knitting and knitting

maybe you have sleep apnea

Abbie said...

Dave! :) graduations are a funny thing, thats for sure! Glad you survived!
title is ghostbusters :)

Avari said...

Hahaha, yeah graduation speeches are lame. .... Aww, that description of the t.v. your brother in law has almost brings me to tears. You see, Rihanna just broke ours today. She hit it with a hammer, more than once :(

Bob the Workaholic said...

"it's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting"

is from Pee-Wee's big Adventure

whatever that may be :D

marky said...

I liked A Night at the Museum! But I've had the flu all weekend, so my mind might be warped by the dreaded man-flu.

David Wagner said...

5 points for Abbie and 5 points for Ghannah (sorry, Bob, he'she beat you to it!)

Marky, did you see the trailer for the sequel to Night at the Museum? I had stomach pains for a half-hour just from watching the trailer...

Abbie said...

lol i agree with you on that dave! i'm afraid that the sequel will be a bust, like many other #2s... :P