Hey Mr. Donut Man, Who's Trying to Kill Ya?

Hey, you know those little pieces of meteorite that are left over after one hits the earth? Crater tots.

Aw, man! The weekend is over! What the heck! What will I do now? I mean, I feel so lost... so lost... What? There'll be another one in a few days? Really? Whew! That's a relief... guess I'll just have to be patient.

BUAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! Get it? "Bee patient"? GET IT!? BUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! *cough cough cough*....

Whoa, sorry... got carried away there for a bit... it was just so flippin funny I just about lost control of my bladder, passed out and gave up the ghost.... Man, I haven't laughed that hard since I saw that fat guy slip on the ice outside...


Well, Wifey ran her marathon today. She had calf-muscle issues that caused her (and her running partner) to miss their projected finish time, by a fairly healthy margin, actually. They were aiming for 4.5 hours, but managed to squeak in just under 5.5 instead. And there I was, at the rail near the finish line, camera at the ready, from about 4:20 on, craning my neck, standing on tiptoe, trying to scan the massive wave of runners, trying to spot them with enough time to get a video of them as they passed... Do you know how slowly time passes as you are on edge like that, watching and waiting, hair-trigger, in constant scan mode, for runners that never materialize? After an hour, I said "screw it" and went to the bleachers. Of course, that was when they decided to trot by. So I got this lame video of them passing...



I know the video size is small, but it doesn't really matter. You can't really see them anyway. They are the ones in white hats - wifey is the one waving her arms, in the pink shirt. Man, what a way to spend the morning... got there about 9 am and they passed just after noon. Well, if you don't run, you can't win...

There was one point when we were waiting by the rail that a male runner stopped nearby, whipped off his shorts, and proceeded to sprint for the finish line waving his shorts over his head, wearing nothing but his bib with his number on it. I'm afraid Daughter #2 may be scarred for life. Not often you get to see a live streaker, flapping in the wind. Free up the little guy, let him flap in the breeze! For some reason, I thought of Dave-O... I thought, "man, Dave-O will laugh when he hears about this..." Strikes me as something Dave-O would actually contemplate doing... running a full marathon and then streaking across the finish line... wonder if he got arrested...

That wasn't the only thing that reminded me of Dave-O today. The marathon finish line is on a Marine Corps base near the airport in downtown San Diego. On the parade grounds, they had several military vehicles on display, which were wicked cool. Reminded me of Battlefield 2...






























Man, I don't know what's going on with the formatting/layout of this blog. How wonky can you get...

Dave-O, that Hummer had a loud sound system in the back and they were cranking out "your kind of music", if you know what I mean...

Anyway, so overall, the day was a success, in spite of the waiting and the miles of walking we did to get back and forth from where we parked, waaaaay out yonder. Afterwards, Ruth's dad treated us all to lunch at Outback Steakhouse, which was yummy. Wifey has to work tomorrow...

Shop Talk: Yay! Matt commented yesterday! w00t w00t! I guilted him into reading my blog! And Abbie is back from her trip. I'm sure we will all be able to read about it in her blog soon... What? Abbie doesn't have a blog? What the heck! Also, I now have 5 consecutive months of daily posts under my belt... that's 150 posts! Are you proud of me? Am I at or near the top of your list of Favorite Daves? You do have a Favorite Daves List, right? In fact, if any of you are ever at a loss as to what to blog about in your own blogs, might I suggest this as a topic starter: Things I Like About Dave. Man, that's good for weeks of material right there...

Remember, if you want to buy me gifts, my mom is a size 9...

Went to church tonight, to catch up on my DVD duplicating duties. We tape each Sunday morning service, as you know, and one of my jobs is to dupe the master for the legions of people that buy copies to watch and enjoy (lol) at home. In this case, "legions" = 6. Anyway, the duping takes a while, and I had a 3 week backlog to catch up on, so I went in early and... wait for it... got them all done! YAAY!!! I rule!

Saw this wild thing tonight on Boing Boing... it's a business in San Diego (oddly enough) called Sarah's Smash Shack. You can go into one of their private rooms, plug your iPod into the speaker system, crank up the music, and smash a bunch of cheap crockery against the far wall. It's supposed to be therapeutic - an angst reliever. You can even write people's names on the plates, etc., so that you can vent your pent-up anger that they've caused. Then they donate the smashed pieces to local artists so they can make mosaics. I can't decide if it's thoroughly lame or cool... help me decide! Or I'll smash a plate with your name on it!

I guess it's the kindergarten version of what Dave-O get's to do for a living... this is it - ground zero. Would you like to say a few words to mark the occasion?

And now, a word from our sponsors...

I think that will do it for me tonight. Gotta try to get some honest work done before bedtime. Until tomorrow, remember, I'm dead set on living.

Now get to work on those movie quotes!

And I've Got Some Extra Loud Blanks, Just In Case...

"Supercell" or "Soup or salad", which one?

Greetings and all that superficial stuff. It's Dave the Turd, checking in for today's dose of hot air. Crack a window, eh!

Today's pic was inspired by Paula's storm/tornado post over in her neck of the blogosphere. I've always been fascinated by weather-related stuff, tornadoes specifically. I have a couple old VHS tapes of tornado footage I bought years ago... I should rip some of the best ones and post them here for our amusement. Well, for mine, at least... as fascinated as I am by tornadoes, I sure hope I never see one in "real life". Same with nuclear bomb explosions - another fascination of mine.

Here's another cool supercell pic from my stash...


You gotta admit, that's pretty flippin' cool...

Today was pretty mellow. Stayed up very late Friday night, watching a sad and infuriating documentary on Netflix Watch Instantly called Dear Zachary. The director's name is Kurt Keunne, and his best friend Andrew Bagby was murdered by a psychotic girlfriend. Kurt decided to honor his friend Andrew by traveling the globe, interviewing everyone else that knew him, and making a documentary about his life. It ends up being a lot more than that... read here if you'd like more info. I wrote a review for it for Netflix, but it hasn't posted yet. When it does, I'll edit the link in here.

EDIT: Here is a link to my Netflix review page... don't know if it will load for you if you're not a member...

This morning was nice. Woke up to the smell of wifey cooking pancakes. Check out this beautiful stack of fluffy love...


You gotta love it...

The rest of the day was devoted to helping wifey prep for her marathon tomorrow. As much as I hate crowds, I'm steeling myself to wade into a gigantic one tomorrow for half the day. There's no question I need to be there to support her, and I want to, really. Still, crowds give me bowel angst, mini-migranes, athletes foot, St. Vitus' Dance, spontaneous ennui, and shivered timbers. Still, it must be done. Last year, there was a booth that sold funnel cake. You have to admit, a person can endure just about anything if there is also funnel cake involved.

Unintentional tie-in with the tornado theme there...

Last year's crowds were incredible... wall-to-wall people. Even when we wiggled our way to streetside at the halfway mark to try and see wifey run by, the runners themselves were a solid wall of people. It was insane. I expect the same tomorrow.

Well, if I get too nervous tomorrow, I'll just think of the Japanese Beatboxing Kid...

Because you can also endure just about anything as long as there is a Japanese beatbox kid involved. (No tornado tie-in there...)

Todayve In History: May 31
-----------------------------------
- May 31, 1678: Lady Godiva's procession through the streets of Coventry takes place. (What's the big deal? I ride naked on a horse through my neighborhood all the time!)

- May 31, 1927: The last Ford Model T rolls off the assembly line. (They had to start building the winner of that season's America's Next Top Model...)

- May 31, 1942: A Luftwaffe air raid in Dublin Ireland claims 38 lives. (As much as I have read about WW2, I never realized Germany ever attacked Ireland...)

In honor of Clint Eastwood's birthday (1930), I'm going to post the final scene from the 1992 Best Picture winner, Unforgiven. If you plan on seeing this at some point, keep in mind this will spoil the ending for you. It's a great scene from a great western, but it is violent, and has a smidgen of profanity in it.



Eastwood's done some great films, and some not so great. Letter's From Iwo Jima was infuriating, I thought. He should have been ashamed of himself for that limp biscuit.

I started reading a new book today - the Terry Brooks one is just not grabbing me. The book I picked up is called Point Of Impact, by Stephen Hunter. It's the book that the movie Shooter (with Mark Wahlberg) was based on. It's a great read so far. I may power through it, then try and reengage the Brooks trilogy again. Of course, very soon, Abercrombie's new book will be available, and I'll be pouncing on that like a Dave on a bag of beef Jerky...

Well, I'm going to shuffle off this mortal blog for now. I'll let you know how wifey's marathon goes on Sunday, since I know you're all just dyin' to hear about it...

Until tomorrow, remember, he should have armed himself, if he's going to decorate his saloon with my friend...

And Don't Cross the Road if you Can't Get Out of the Kitchen.

"Talk show" or "Shock toe", you decide...

Aw, isn't that picture sweet? A dad and his son. Or, like, an older brother and his younger brother, if like the mother got divorced and remarried and had a son with each hubby... and now the older one resents the younger one for what he represents, and the younger one is a brat because the parents buy him anything he wants, and all they do is harp at the older one all day because he leaves his socks and underwear in the hallway! They're hard on him because to the mom, the older son represents the pain of a failed marriage, and to the new hubby, he's a daily reminder of his wife's union with another man, and it's just not fair! And the younger son just wants the older one to like him and stop playing pranks on him and pouring salt in his hair and farting on his toothbrush, but the older one is just as confused and is lashing out in the only ways he knows how... well, that and the drugs.

Nah, I like the "father & son" angle better...

I won't lie, I would have loved to have had a son to go along with my wonderful daughters. Someone to teach all my best/worst puns to, someone to pass wind and laugh with (in "two fart harmony" no less), someone to give my baseball card collection to, someone to teach to ollie a skateboard, someone to leave the seat up with, someone to complain about women with...

Ah, but it is not meant to be. I guess I could build a reasonable facsimile out of legos. Or I could make my character in my comic strip have a son and enjoy it vicariously through that. Meh, that's kind of pathetic, actually. I'll stick with the legos...

Ah, leftover spaghetti at 9pm! Looks like I'll be reading well into the night tonight, since eating this late is basically inviting my good pal Acid Reflux to join me for a few long hours... Guess I'll get more work done on the Piranha newsletters too...

Don't you hate it when you have a headache, and you pop an ibuprofen and settle in for a nice nap and just when you are drifting off, the phone rings? Don't you hate that? Then you dart around in a daze, trying to locate one of the cordless handsets, and the phone is ringing and subconsciously you realize that you have exactly 4 rings to find it before the machine picks up, and you don't know how to shut it off once it starts and you finally get the handset just as the machine gets it, so you fling the handset across the room and go over to the machine to see who it is and they've already hung up so you don't even know who it was? Don't you hate that? And then you can't get back to sleep, so you decide to get on the computer instead to see if anyone left new comments on your blog, but they didn't, so you try to take the edge off of your grumpiness by playing a few rounds of Battlefield 2, but you suck because you're still groggy and can't focus?

Don't you hate that?

It wasn't one of you that called, was it? O_o? Well, leave a message next time! Sheesh! That's what the machine is for!

Funny Picture Time:

Yeah, yeah, I know... "Another animal picture? WTF!" Well, what can I say... animals are funny. Even horses are funny. Except when they leave a pile of road apples on your favorite suit jacket. And don't even try to get them to drink once you've led them to water. And you know the old grey mare? She ain't what she used to be, that's for sure...

I've been nosing around for some more cool blogs to read and recommend. When I find some good ones, I'll link them here, in case you have little-to-no life (like me) and thus spend an inordinate amount of time cruisin around the web, checking stuff out. That reminds me, Paula's blog is very funny and enjoyable to read... if you haven't checked it out, by all means, do so! But watch out for the post on toenail fungus... it's a funny post, but the pictures are yucky!

It's all part of my quest to find the funniest and most uplifting things on the web for you to read and be deeply enriched by. Like this encouraging gem!

Glad I could help!

Todayve In History: May 30
-------------------------------
- May 30, 1911: The first Indianapolis 500 takes place. (It's like a Merry-Go-Round... only with more crashes!)

- May 30, 1922: The Lincoln Memorial is dedicated in Washington DC. (Definitely not like a Merry-Go-Round...)

In honor of Mel Blanc's birthday (1908), I'm going to post this clip from the Tonight Show from 1974, when Carson is interviewing Jack Benny and Mel Blanc about the old days...



Some of those old school guys were awesome. Again, let me pimp the TV Legends interviews that the Archive of American Television has accumulated, of many/most of the greats from the history of TV, many of whom are no longer alive. A very fun and engrossing resource, if you ever have time to kill.

Well, I suppose I'm going to pull the plug on tonight. Thanks for stopping by, eh! Until tomorrow, remember, I don't want to know nothing! I never saw you throw that gentleman off the balcony! All I care about is... are you happy with your haircut?

I Was Wonderin' When El Capitan Was Gonna Get a Chance to Use His Popgun...

"Flying saucer" or "Sighing flosser", which one?

Gudentag y'all. Tis I, Dave the Unstable, broadcasting to you live from my air raid bunker deep beneath the streets of Southern California. Solid concrete walls 5 feet thick, unadorned. A lone bare lightbulb hangs spiderlike from a frayed cord in the center of the room. The soft static of a barely-working ham radio the only sound in the room. Cigarette butts on the floor by the dozen. Somewhere in the distance, the echo of slowly dripping water. It's quiet. Too quiet.

I sigh deeply and glance over at the nearly-empty 10 quart pot of baked beans sitting on the gas powered coleman stove. It has taken me most of the night to eat all those beans - there are but a few bites remaining. They mock me from the bottom of the pan, certain that I have no room left for them inside me. But they are wrong. It would take a lot more than 10 quarts of baked beans to fill the emptiness within me. The bent metal spoon trembles in my hand as I reach deep into the pot for another bite. Very soon now, the coleman stove will not be the only thing in this small room that is gas powered.

But it must be done. It is the price I must pay for the war effort.

And now, a word from one of our sponsors...

Rug shop day today! Got signed up for Traffic Geyser, and I'm now in the process of learning all there is to learn about driving traffic to websites using accurately-tagged and submitted videos. It's actually a lot more fascinating than it sounds. If it's done right, it's crazy effective. If I get good at it, I could offer website optimization as a service to my clients (not just the rug shop), so that's that.

Johnny boy is on his way to Vegas for a couple weeks, the lucky stiff. Golf, women and booze for several weeks! Only, you know, without the women and booze part... John would never let a woman get between him and his favorite sand wedge. And there's no high like consecutive birdies, so the alcohol is moot as well. And the ball travels so far off the tee way up there in those mile-high altitudes! No, wait, that's Denver, nevermind... Well, if he gets bored, he could always try for the record for consecutive viewings of the outdoor water fountain show at the Bellagio...

I have a confession to make (No, Paula, I'm not stealing your material!). I watched the Zohan movie last night on Netflix Watch Instantly. As if that wasn't embarrassing enough to confess, I also have to say, I haven't laughed that hard in a good long time. Granted, I don't necessarily recommend the film, unless you can stomach an inordinate amount of, shall we say, reproductive humor... but there were a bunch of really funny (silly) scenes. I am quite thoroughly not an Adam Sandler fan, but I thought he was funny in this one, in spite of the bad accent. It's a goofy comedy that served it's purpose... namely, a brief escape from certain cold, hard realities which shall remain unnamed at this time...

Funny Picture Time!
















Yeah, I know, you've seen that one a hundred times before, sorry.

Todayve In History: May 29
---------------------------------
- May 29, 1953: Sir Edmund Hillary and sherpa Tenzing Norgay become the first people ever to reach the summit of Mt. Everest. (They raced snowboards back down again. Totally gnarly!)

- May 29, 1999: The space shuttle Discovery completes the first docking with the International Space Station. (They stopped by to borrow some eggs and a few rolls of TP)

- May 29, 2004: The World War II Memorial is dedicated in Washington DC. (I was there shortly thereafter... it is awesome to see.)

- May 29, 1917: John F. Kennedy was born. (Back, and to the left... back, and to the left...)

Man, if JFK was still alive, he'd be 92 today! Man, would he be tired!

During our brief break from movie quoting, I thought I'd post this cool video clip I found called The 100 Best Movie Lines (in 200 Seconds)...

I thought that was well done... although I'm sure everyone would likely have a slightly modified list of the 100 best movie lines of all time... still, a fun watch, methinks.

If we were still assigning points for movie quotes, I would have got 4 points yesterday, for the two quotes I snuck by ya... the title was from Pride and Prejudice and the closing line was from Waiting for Guffman.

Well, I have to get moving on this month's newsletter files for my clients - supposed to get them done before the first - gives me two days to get them done - should be enough time. Gonna go get on it now, so that's that for today. Until tomorrow, great job, team... head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.

Laugh As Much As You Choose, but You Will Not Laugh Me Out of My Opinion

"Root Beer" or "Boot Rear", which one?

The week... is halfway over! Sing it with me! The week... is halfway over! Only 2 more days... until the WEEKEND!

By the way, it's sung to the tune of Beethoven's Symphony no. 3 - Allegro Con Brio, preferably the version recorded in 1981 by the London Philharmonic and Kazoo Club.

There... now sing it with me again! The week... is halfway over! Over! Now, only the soprano quartet! (That includes you, Dave-O)... the week...

O, nevermind. Man, don't you guys ever rehearse?

Wednesday draws to a close, the last shreds of light fading on the horizon like a fart in the wind. My best similes are scatological in nature. Speaking of things being scatological in nature, a bear and a rabbit are crapping in the woods, and...

What? O, man, the Queen of England is reading this? Right now? Ho... ly crap! How embarrassing! Why didn't you warn me!? Here I am, telling the bear/rabbit/crapping in woods joke and the queen is here... I bet she is not amused in the least. Ah, well... sorry, toots.

Well, I've decided to end the current round of Name the Movie Quotes, and proclaim Bob the winner, conqueror and Movie Quote Emperor. He basically has more points than the rest of y'all put together. He spanked you, plain and simple. Bob, take your shirt off and flex for the crowd! And now, your prize package...

First, you get an "Angry Burper" T-shirt!

You'll be the envy of all your friends as you show up to their parties in this elegant, tasteful T-shirt that is appropriate for all occasions, including weddings, pet neuterings, colon cleansings and tea with the Queen! You must provide your own accompanying sound effects, and in some countries (Turkey, Cameroon and Iceland) wearing it will get you arrested.

Next in the prize package is the ability to watch the Ultimate Zidane Headbutt Video as many times as you want for the next 7 days! Du.... Du Hast... Du Hast Mich...



And finally, you win a big can of Shut the Heck Up! It will come in handy when you brag and gloat and strut around this blog like you own the place! You don't own the place! Well, not all of it, anyway... the "secret" prize is 4% ownership of this blog, but there are international law concerns that might tie up ownership rights in court for years... it would be so much easier if you moved to the US.

But as 4% owner of this blog, you will be allowed to "guest blog" once every 38.6 days for the rest of '09, if you wish. Just email me the text, and I will post it up here and you'll be famous.

OK, so I'm going to reset the scoreboard and start over beginning June 1st. And, yes, I'll try and be more subtle about the quotes again. And yes, I'm going to possibly include Bible quotes this round as well. (NIV... KJV would be too obvious...) I'm pondering putting a per day limit on how many quotes one person can identify, to try and make it a bit more fair, but I'm not convinced yet...

Ah, yeah! Time for an EPIC FAIL. Gentlemen, prepare to wince...



Sorry about the grainy quality. Oh, and by the way... OMG!!!! OUCH! No kids for you, bro, sorry...

Stayed up to 2:30 am last night getting that blasted interview transcript done for Piranha. Man, that wrung me out, but it got done, w00t w00t. At about 2 am, Daughter #2 came downstairs, we had a brief conversation, she went back upstairs and went to sleep. This morning, when I was driving her up to school, I asked her about what we talked about and she had no clue what I was saying. She had no memory whatsoever of coming downstairs at 2am and chatting with me. Interesting. She was certainly awake and coherent when we talked - so she wasn't sleepwalking. Yet she has no memory of it whatsoever.

I went on a long walk tonight before sundown - are you proud of me? Man, I'm so healthy now! That's two pre-dusk walks in the last three days! I am now officially a paragon of health and fitness. Actually, I was considering getting in better shape and possibly getting my teeth straightened. If that doesn't make wifey attracted to me again, I'm giving up all hope. Can't do anything about my big nose, unfortunately. Except store spare change in it. And sell advertising space on the side of it. And use it as a bottle opener. Other than that...

The girls got Marley and Me from Netflix, but have yet to watch it. I'm not going to watch it, because apparently, it's sad. And I don't like to be sad! If I wanted to be sad, I'd look at my credit report! No, I like to be happy. That means blowing stuff up in Fallout 3.

OK, fine! I'll post one more video clip! But that's it! Man, you are so demanding today! Sheesh!




That's Parkour King Damien Walters. I twisted my ankle and landed on my head just watching that clip. By the way, if the video is not showing up for you for some reason, hit "refresh" on your browser. For some reason, it's only showing up for me about 50% of the time... weird...

I think that'll be it for me today. Congratulations again, Bob. Slovenia FTW!

Until tomorrow, remember, it's a zen thing... like how many babies fit in a tire.

Come On Out, You Dirty Slobs! Flanagan's Back!

Well, howdy, y'all! Look at me; I'm a cowboy! Notice the 10 gallon hat, chaps and spurs... OK, I'm not wearing any of that, fine, I'm not a cowboy. But if I'm not a cowboy, then why did I say "howdy" just then, eh? See, I got you there, don't I... you gotta admit, I make a good point. And I make a good nerd. And I make a good pizza...

O, never mind.

As you can see, I found a nice new layout for the blog... gives me a little more breathing room. It stretches to fit your monitor width! No more wasted space on the sides! Now, wasted words, on the other hand... 'Wasted love! God, I just wish I could get it back.'

Things are quickly settling back to normal around here, 'tis sad. Ah, vacation, I hardly knew ye. I edited an interview transcript for Piranha today, and I'm in the process of formatting it in Quark Xpress as we speak. Pull-out quotes, hot tips sheet, print to PDF, email it tonight, and I'm done, boom. Just like that. The interview is with an internet marketing genius who talks about doing successful product launches online. I think I'm going to try one for the Rug Care Central site and see if I can make a ton of dough. Then I will buy you all nice gifts, because that's the only way I've been trained to show love and appreciation - buying gifts. Well, that and slaps on the buttocks... I'll let you decide which one you want...

Made a dent into the Terry Brooks book last night. I know some of you are fans, so I will refrain from sounding too negative, but let me just say I hope his writing evolves into something a little less, shall we say, "pedestrian." Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm a snob, sorry. I guess I've been spoiled by Rothfuss. Speaking of Rothfuss, he submitted the manuscript for his next book to his publisher earlier this month. It's mammoth. Check it out...


He said it took him more than three reams of paper to print it out. That's a copy of his first book next to it, for scale. Dang, that's gonna take a while to edit - I don't envy the person who has to do that. That photo was from his blog, by the way... don't want you thinking he printed out a copy just for me...

Watched Yes Man the other night. Being a multifaceted snob (literary and cinematic), I was not impressed. Jim Carrey... man, what happened to you? I thought he was miscast in that role. In fact, I thought the casting was problematic across the board. Except for Terrance Stamp - he's cool. Whenever I see him, I think of my mom... 'No one who leads so many could possibly kneel so quickly'...

I'm feeling pretty mellow today for some reason - which is a bummer for you all, I'm sure. My blogs are far more interesting when I'm in manic mode. Sorry. I'll have to fire down a couple Red Bull's an hour or so before posting tomorrow, to try and make up for it... 'Details of your incompetence do not interest me...'

In an effort to make up for the fact that I'm mellow today, I present this face:

I love this face. I think you will be seeing it frequently in this blog. In fact, I'm considering making this face a character in my comic that randomly appears to burp out sage wisdom and then disappear. If that isn't the ultimate burp face, I don't know what is... unless he's screaming. "You owe me a scream."









Hmm... I'm still feeling mellow, I don't know what to do... 'you're maudlin and full of self pity - you're magnificent!' Well, maybe this will help...

Hmm... that helped. Better check Todayve In History and see if there's anything worth mentioning... Hmm... Golden Gate Bridge opens to pedestrian traffic in 1937... nope, not interesting. Oscar Wilde imprisoned for sodomy in 1895... nope, sodomy is never funny... Louis Gossett Jr, born 1936... meh, I could post a Diggstown clip, but I just did a video clip...

Oh, well, nothing worth mentioning, I guess... Not enough time to edit a Favorite Scenes video... the next Wagnervana strip is stuck "under construction"... Already did a funny picture...

Well, I guess I better pull the plug then! Until tomorrow, remember, I guess she don't like the cornbread either...

PS If you haven't checked out Paula's Blog yet, dart over when you get a chance. It's a fun read.

PSS I snuck a movie quote by you yesterday. The post title was from the movie Patton. 2 points for me!

I Shaved Very Close This Morning In Preparation for Getting Smacked By You

"Standing up straight" or "Stranding upstate," which one?

Happy Memorial Day to y'all. Always a somber day, in a sense, remembering the many thousands of soldiers who have given their lives fighting all the villains and jerks and slapnuts in the world over the centuries. I have such admiration for fighting men, I'm kind of puzzled as to why I never joined up myself. I'd like to think I was made of stuff strong enough to walk shoulder to shoulder with such men, but I never found out first hand. I wonder if I'll ever know.

I'm certainly not a warhawk, but I'm also nowhere near a mealy-mouthed, spineless, self-deluded Utopian dreamer who is convinced that war is never the answer. Sometimes, war is most definitely the answer, as awful as that may be. Some people won't understand anything short of a kick to the teeth - and thank God there are men out there that have the nad necessary to administer just such a kick.

Here are some awesome World War 2 era pics I've collected over the years... click to see larger.



One of my favorite books of all time was first loaned to me by Dave-O and is called With the Old Breed, by E. B. Sledge. It's a harrowing chronicling of the battles of Peleliu and Okinawa in the Pacific campaign of World War 2, told by a frontline Marine that was there, in the thick of it. It takes your breath away reading it. Just when you think a man couldn't possibly go through a more trying physical ordeal, it gets bumped up a notch, again and again. I never knew what a human being could indefinitely endure until I read this book. Superhuman, really, and worthy of every once of honor and respect possible.

I've always been captivated by World War 2, more than any other era of military history, American or otherwise. I'm not sure why - it just seemed like such an epic clash between clear-cut "good" and clear-cut "evil". Epic is a good word for it. The Allies fought in every possible type of battlefield, in every possible type of terrain condition, and ultimately dominated in every case. Staggers the imagination, really.

Here's another pic I love... I have to show it big...



Something about that pic awes me and scares the heck out of me, at the same time. I can't imagine being on the receiving end of such a weapon. Sledge said in With the Old Breed that it is impossible to describe in words what it is like to be shelled by artillery. Flatly impossible. You have to go through it to understand the weight of the terror and tension. His unit had to storm across an airfield under artillery fire, mortar fire, machine gun and small arms fire, all simultaneously, nowhere to hide, full sprint, full gear, a couple hundred yards. He was amazed he survived, as well as many of his men. Many did not survive, as you can imagine. I'd type in his exact words for you from the book, but I can't find the page at the moment.

I guess, sometimes, ordinary people turn extraordinary under the right circumstances.

Here's a 10 minute slice of one of the best war movies ever made...



How that film didn't win Best Picture, I'll never know... Shakespear In Love? Are you kidding me? I still don't get how a film could win Best Director and not Best Picture. I guess the theory is that a great script can still shine in the hands of a mediocre director, and a mediocre script can be terrific in the hands of the right director. I don't know...

Every June 6th, I sit my girls down with wifey and I and we watch the D-Day invasion scene from Saving Private Ryan together. I never want them to be among the jillions of teens who have no clue what other 18-21 year olds like them accomplished 60 years ago... so many kids have no clue, or simply don't care. Makes me mad.



When I went with Chris on her 8th grade trip to Washington DC, we went to lots of war-related memorials and sites, including the Vietnam Wall, Arlington Cemetery and the Marine Memorial with the statue of the Marines raising the flag on the top of Mount Suribachi on Iwo Jima. Truly a unique battle for any era. A volcanic island with exactly zero civilians in the way anywhere. Full on, no holds barred fighting. The ideal battle, I suppose... still, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, either side.

I watched a documentary once about the battle of Iwo Jima, and it consisted only of actual footage and photos from the battle, and the narration was the words from letters and diaries that were written at the time of the battle, and they were read by the actual marines that had written them, who were, of course, very old at the time the doc was made. It was a viewing experience I'll never forget. I remember the first time I watched it - when it was over, I was sad that it had only been one hour long, yet at the same time, I didn't think I could take any more than that. Again, breathtaking. It's called Iwo Jima: 50 Years of Memories, and is available to Watch Instantly on Netflix, if you belong. Highly recommended.

I think I'll call it a day for now. Sorry, no humor or movie quotes or trivial nonsense today. It seems inappropriate today. I'll be back to my usual ridiculous self tomorrow, I'm sure.

Until tomorrow, Semper Fi.

Why, Yes, This Is a Pair of Briefs on My Head.

Oddly enough, I felt the urge to hop on early today and write a "Part One" for today. It's still before 9 am, and we haven't left Phoenix yet. Part Two will, I'm sure, be forthcoming in about 12 hours or so... I posted last night too, so if you want, you can scroll down further and read that...

Interesting night. More cactus dreams for the 3 year old again. I can't help but chuckle - she's so serious and afraid that there's a cactus in the room and that she's going to poke her fingers on the prickles... they never teach you how to handle stuff like that in Parenting Class! What the heck? Monsters, bad guy, dinosaurs, sure... cactus? An attack cactus? I suppose I could make an attack cactus a character in my comic, when I get back into it...

Also, Chris found a drug pipe in her bed when she went to turn in for the night, and the girls (understandably) freaked out. I'll be sure to make a loud point of it when we check out here shortly.

Wanted to express some thoughts on Terminator Salvation, which I see is cruising at about 34% on rotten tomatoes (while Star Trek is holding firm at 95% positive).

Guess I should start with the positives. The visuals are quite good. There are nice explosions. There are two action sequences that are almost worth the price of admission itself - IF you have successfully disconnected your brain during the opening credits. If you think about the movie at all, you're sunk.

Christian Bale is a gump in this film. His acting is phoned in, his dialog weak, he survives WAY too many ridiculous situations that should have killed him, including several helicopter crashes (that he strolls away from), hand-to-hand combat with terminators (including being hit so hard he's flung across the room and into walls/machinery), a metal pole being shoved through his chest, and best of all, a heart transplant at the end, in a field hospital that is basically a couple cots tarped off in a junk yard. I guess they picked the right guy to lead "the resistance"... he's friggin indestructable. PUKE.

The feel of the film is an odd mix of Fallout 3, Resident Evil: Extinction, Transformers, Matrix Revolutions and Escape From New York. But it's lifeless, ridiculous, and apparently all moot, since the ending narration says that "we may have won the battle, but the war is far from over". Ah, nice! More sequels are on the way!

But if you just like to watch explosions and giant robots, they hey, it'll make a good rental. They introduce several new terminators, including a towering, three-story tall goliath that somehow manages to sneak up unsuspectingly on a group of hardened veteran resistence fighters, even though through the rest of the scene, the ground shakes like a Dave-O fart whenever it moves. They should have known it was coming when it was miles away, rather than when it reaches through the roof to grab the old lady leader...

It also has motorcycle transformer robots that must have made Michael Bay a little miffed to see. And swimming snake-like terminators that cruised the rivers.

The storyline in a nutshell: John Connor must locate his dad (then a teenager) and make sure he survives so that he can send him back in time (a la the first movie), to boink his mom, thus ensuring John Connor's existance. Uhh... ok. There's also a dude that gets lethally injected on death row in the 90's who wakes up in the future (surprise!) only to find out he's a terminator/human hybrid secretly programmed to kill John Connor (insert eye-roll here). Of course, he decides to destroy some guidance chip in his head and fight along side Connor instead. Then he donates his heart to Connor at the end, since "we all deserve a second chance". And the surgeon performing the transplant? John Connor's very-pregnant wife, who apparently is a post-apocalyptic heart surgeon, among other things.

As lame as I'm making it sound, it is, in fact, lamer still.

I give it 4 farts out of 10, for the two action sequences that almost make it worth watching, and I recommend waiting to see it as a rental, if ever.

Gonna go help prepare for departure. Check later for Part Two, unless you actually have a life and are doing far more important and interesting things than reading my drivel. Until then, I ask you: What are you waiting for? You're faster than this! Don't think you are... know you are!

PART TWO:

"Food mart" or "Mood fart", which one?

We are home! Woohoo! Feels great to come home to a clean house. I can't wait to bounce on my own bed tonight wearing nothing but a kilt and a smile!

The trip home was pretty uneventful - aside from the end-of-the-journey angst that bubbles out from a family that has spent a bit too much time in close proximity. It was nice to have a great car to travel in. I'd actually consider going again this summer, if the travel was going to be that smooth. Of course, I'd never dream of asking my dad to borrow his car again... I'll consider that a one-time act of reckless kindness on his part, and forever be in his debt.

Got a call from mom on the ride, with news that "the rug" sold at auction yesterday for 70K euros. That's a pretty stinkin' nice payday; I'm stoked for her. She deserves it, every penny. Or every pfennig, or whatever.

The desert is nice, I guess. Too bad we didn't drive at night - I could have (maybe) seen something like this...

Man, o man, that is awesome. PLEASE click the "full screen" button and watch it full screen... if it takes a while to load, please be patient - it is worth the wait. Talk about making one feel very, very small...

Looks like Bob is pulling away on points, as far as movie quotes. Maybe I should limit how many one person can identify per post...

Got home too late tonight for a trip to evening service to make sense. So I stayed home. Gonna watch Yes Man with the family, shower and go to bed early tonight. I need to hit the ground running tomorrow. For once, I have plans for tomorrow's post, what with it being Memorial Day and all. Stay tuned...

I'm going to call it a night. It's good to be home. Congrats mom, you're awesome. Talk to you all soon.

Until tomorrow, remember, I don't want that dog dribbling on my seats.

Release the River!

"Fair thee well" or "Where thee fell", which one?

Greetings from Phoenix! Man, what a drive. We drove from Albuquerque to Flagstaff, then down the 17 to Phoenix. Weather ranged from sparkly-sunny to torrential downpours, blue skies to lightning/thunder, 40 degrees (outside Flagstaff) to 92 degrees (here in Phoenix). Crazy. But we made it before sundown, so the Wagner Women are all down at the pool, while I chill in the room, catching up on email/web surfin' and updating the blog. I'll hop over to Dave-O's blog and Shannon's after this and see what up with them, then check Smurf's and Marky's to see if they've updated.

All things considered, it was a beautiful drive. On the final, interminable leg of the journey, coming into Phoenix, I think I got flashed by a photo-speed trap thing... believe it or not, I had the cruise control on 62mph, and it was a 55mph construction zone... it was a cop SUV parked on the right shoulder with a roof-mounted camera unit. Will that guy flash cars in every lane, or just the right lane, does anyone know? Everyone else was passing me... I was angry, to say the least. My bladder was at maximum capacity, and I just wanted to get to the hotel and do my part to make the lobby restroom urinal puck shrink... 

Anyway, enough of that nonsense. It's good to be chillin' in the room.

When we were at Brother-In-Law's house last night (eating pizza and watching B-Ball), I saw something in his garage I had to get a picture of... some of you may remember this pic of me from Oct '05 (when I had long hair - what was I thinking?) sitting in front of approximately half of my wifey's shoe collection...

That was when we moved into our current house - the same week our baby Mags was born - again, what was I thinking? Moving and having a baby the same week?! Man...

Anyway, I thought she was a shoe fiend (she is, actually), but check out this pic of (again) about 50% of her brother's shoe stash.

I thought being a shoe fiend was a chick thing, but I guess not. Again, those are the "tier 2" shoes that can't fit in his bedroom closet... I didn't get a pic of that, sorry... Granted, Brother-In-Law is manager of a Foot Locker store in Albuquerque, so he can get dibs on the best stuff for a beefy discount, but still, I feel that is insane. 

I guess we all collect stuff, eh? I collect spores, molds and fungus. Over the years, I've collected baseball cards, Peanuts paperbacks, other comic books (Bloom County, Far Side, Calvin & Hobbes, Dilbert), and now I guess it's 'computer games I don't play'...

And I'm collecting blog "followers" too! I got my 8th "follower" the other day (Hi Paula!), to add to my gaggle of unofficial followers. Not sure what the benefit is of being an "official" follower, other than a notification on your "blog dashboard" that the blog has updated. But you all know I update daily, so that's not surprise, I'm sure. It's not like I only update twice a month like SOME people I know (*ahem* Marky! *ahem*)... I love you all equally in any case! Well, some more equally than others, I suppose... I mean, my mom reads every day, and so I love her more than anyone, but still... you all rock.

In fact, I added a "Followers" gadget on the right margin... I guess that will be the sole benefit granted those that chose to "follow"... I guess I could also record myself burping your name, and send you an mp3 of the recording, so you can use it as a ring-tone for your cellphone... ah, membership has it's benefits...

Todayve In History: May 24th

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- May 24, 1830: Mary Had A Little Lamb was first published. (The sequel "Mary Had A Little Howler Monkey" was not quite as popular...)

- May 24, 1844: Samuel Morse sends the first message via telegraph, which was "What hath God wrought?" (The reply: "Umm... everything? Duh!")

- May 24, 1883: The Brooklyn Bridge is opened for traffic after 14 years of construction. (Finally, people could easily get to Long Island to get some decent pizza...)

- May 24, 2001: 15 year old Sherpa Temba Tsheri becomes the youngest person to climb Mt. Everest. (His quote from the summit: "Cool.")

In honor of Duke Ellington's passing on May 24, 1974, here's a six-minute version of Duke playing his famous Take the A Train:

It'll be nice to get back home. I have a couple small emergency projects waiting for me, which I shall attend to immediately tomorrow afternoon. Then I'll go to the evening service so I can tell Jesus "hello" and get the DVD duping done... And then, who knows! You wanna know the secret to surviving travel? After you get where you're going, take off your shoes and socks, then walk around the rug barefoot and make fists with your toes. Yes sir, better than a shower and a hot cup of coffee...

Well, I guess I'll call it a night. I'll catch up with you tomorrow, hopefully having arrived home safe and sound. Until tomorrow, remember, the last time Longshanks spoke of peace, I was a boy.

All Things Considered, A Terrific Day

"Shoes and socks" or "Susan Shocks", which one?

This has been one of the best days I've had in years. It's a shame I only have a few minutes to post today's blog - I have so much to say today! But we've been go go go all day today, and now it's late and we gotta bail back to the internet-less Inn on the Air Force Base.

A quick recap:

Started the day off calling my dad about his car. Long story short, he's fine and said don't sweat it. He's in the car business, he said, and anything that needs fixing can be done easily and cheaply, so relax. I tell ya, it took a giant load off, right there. Good way to start the day.

Next, we all piled into the vehicles and headed for the Indian casino that Mother-In-Law wanted to fart around at today. Had a great meal at the casino's buffet, and everyone was there (meaning all of Marla's siblings, spouses and kids, with two exceptions). During the meal, my mom called and told me about a great write-up "our rug" got on HALI's website...

If you don't recall the story, she stumbled upon a rug in fall of last year that ended up being something rare and valuable. We ended up sending it to an auction house overseas, and the auction is today (May 23). HALI is the premeire magazine in the rug world, and they posted an article about the auction yesterday, with a picture of "our rug" and some great words about it, including the line "one should expect it to double it's estimate of 45,000 Euros." 

Needless to say, my already-excited mom was happier than I have heard her in years. That alone would have made it a great day for me.

But after our buffet, we gambled a little bit. If you sign up for the "Player's Club" at the casino, you get $20 of slot money and $20 bet-matching money at the tables. I'm not much of a gambler, but between the quarter slots and the roulette table, I turned that free money into $85 bucks, so I was stoked. Hey, nothin beats free money...

After we cashed out, it was time for some "bro time". I went with Marla's brothers and cousin Andrew to the movies for a matinee viewing of Terminator Salvation, which came out today. Even though the movie was a turd (I'll review it more fully when I have more time), I had a very enjoyable time. 

Our next stop was to Brother-In-Law James' house, for a birthday get-together. Both of wifey's brothers have birthdays together - one the 22nd, the other the 23rd. Anyway, we ate the best pizza I've had in years, and watched the Orlando/Cleveland basketball game. The ending of that game was amazing, with LeBron sinking a 3 pointer at the buzzer for the win. Unbelievable. So great food, a lot of laughs and great basketball.

Anyway, that was the quick version, and it may not read like a great day, but trust me, it was a terrific day. I didn't realize how badly I needed a great day. 

We are leaving early Saturday morning to head back to Phoenix, where we will stay the night before driving back to San Diego on Sunday. There are supposed to be thunderstorms on the drive back, so the drive to Phoenix should be interesting.

Anywa, lots of other stuff on my mind, but it will have to wait. Alas, no goofy pics, funny videos or movie quotes today. Sorry if that made it more boring than expected. Like I said, I only had a few minutes to write this, and they are waiting on me now.

Until tomorrow, let's put a smile on that face...

When I Was A Kid, I Used To Think There Was A Baker Under My Bed

"Chapped lips" or "Lapped chips", which one? Or how about "Slapped hips"?

Nice moon, eh? Unfortunately for Dimitri, that is the only moon I'll post in this blog... sorry, Dimitri. Well, and this moon --> (__|__), but that's it. No mas. I'm not sure that picture is a legit pic - I think it's a photoshop. I can't imagine a moon bright enough to take a pic like that.. still, me likey. So long, Earth. Catch you on the flip side...

It's been a good day today, so far. It's still early afternoon as I write this, but I like to post while I can. Things are in such flux here, there's no way to guess where I'll be from one hour to the next. 

Wifey took Mother-In-Law to get her eye lasered this morning. While they were gone, the rest of us did something very familiar... we hit the nearby mall to grab grub at the food court. Although without wifey there, it felt just... wrong. Like Disneyland without Mickey Mouse. We did the "happy mall wanderer" routine for a while until one of the kids felt sick, which was our cue to bail. 

Came home, dumped the kids off, got back in the car and got the heck out! I went to get a haircut. There's a strip mall nearby, so I went into a generic hair salon place and got me a $10 snip. I feel 10 pounds lighter! Then I hit up a nearby Starbucks (hello, Mr. Macchiato!) and was pleased to see a book store nearby. Ah, is there anything better than the feeling you get walking into a cavernous book store? Ah, so many books, so little time!

Yes, Laythe, I know... I have the Terry Brooks book with me, I'm getting to it soon. But I can't resist a liesurely browse at a book store. I ended up buying a couple books by someone named Scott Lynch: The Lies of Locke Lamora and Red Seas Under Red Skies. I've seen them recommended online before, and so I bought them for future reading. They need to age on my shelf at home for a while, next to the others.

The Borders bookstore I went to had some great quotes painted up on the wall. The two best ones I saw were: "When I get near the end of a great book, I have to sleep in the same room with it," which was said by some lady whose name I swore I would remember. Guess I better try to google it, hold on... found it. Jane Didion. 

The other quote was by Groucho Marx, which is hilarious: "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read."

Loved it. 

I checked the release date on the upcoming Joe Abercrombie book, Best Served Cold. It comes out July 14. I asked about ordering it from overseas (since it comes out in June in the UK) and they said it's a hassle and the shipping costs are more than the book itself. So it looks like I wait. Better get on that Brooks book soon... "OK... what if I did have a book down my trousers. What then?"

I've been so paranoid about driving my Dad's car. I mean, "lock it in a vault and don't touch it" type of paranoid. And yet, it seems, God is set on turning my paranoia on it's head, and it is a giant distress to me. First, wifey was driving through Payson AZ, and the speed limit suddenly plunged, followed quickly by a flashing light at a speed limit sign. We think she got a ticket. After the angst of that wore off, and we arrived in ABQ, I was paranoid about parking it anywhere where it was at risk of getting a door ding. If it was my car, I couldn't care less - which is obvious by the amount of dings in the door of my own car. But I REALLY didn't want one in Dad's car. 

Alas, I had to park in a full lot one night on base, and I came down the next morning to a ding in the door. My heart dropped into my stomach, and I practically crumbled. DANGIT! I kept checking, hoping it was my imagination. Nope, there it is. I *sincerely* hope it can come out.

So my paranoia about the car re-doubled and I became impossible. I bet you know what I'm going to say next... 

Yep, I was driving yesterday, and I was waiting to turn right, to enter cross traffic at a major street. Three lanes, each direction. The closest lane was clear, but cars were approaching in lane two and three. Normally, I would, like a pansy, wait until all three lanes were clear before pulling into traffic, but someone pulled up behind me and I got nervous. The first lane was clear, so in I went. Again, remember the paranoia... so I wanted to avoid pulling out too far and getting hit, so I ended up cutting the turn a bit too close and kissed the curb. I didn't think anything of it until later, when I saw the underside of the edge of the bumper, by the front passenger side wheel. Sure enough, a scrape. And I can't even blame wifey. It was all me.

So, what can I do? I considered flinging myself off of a downtown roof, but I decided that might be an over-reaction. Instead, I will photograph the ding and the scrape, email them to my dad so he isn't surprised upon our return, and hope for the best. I will, of course, cover whatever costs to repiar the damage.

:O "You scratched my car!"

"Where?"

"Right there!"

"Oh. That was already there."

So that leaves several more days of potential disasters. I'm a wreck.

Better change subjects. Here's a Funny Picture:

Sorry, I know it's wrong, but it's also funny...

Hmm... I still feel bad about the car... I better put in a cat clip. See if that helps...

Hmm. That didn't work either. Perhaps if you told him I ran the second largest banking house in Amsterdam...

Well, I suppose I'll call it a day. I trust the rest of your week will proceed smoothly. 

Until then: How could I forget you? You're the only person I know!

Well, Thank You For Profiting On My Childhood!

"Fight racism" or "Right fascism", you decide...

Ooh, a political opening today! Edgy! Maybe now someone will make a "Che" t-shirt rip-off using my face... 

Think of it! I'll be a legend! And Benicio will play me in the 3.5 hour biopic!

Greetings from the stunningly happenin' city of Albuquerque NM! We ate at another of the places Wifey wanted to eat at, called the Standard Diner - as seen on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives on Food Network! You know, with that tubby white guy with the bleach-blond crew cut. Wifey loved it, the rest of us were all "meh." 

That Thing You Do is an annoying movie, even in HD. Except for the Captain Skeech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters guy... that guy is funny.

Anagram of the Day: Ultimate --> Mutilate

The general consensus among my family is that we are ready to leave. There's some weird dynamics going on between wifey and her siblings. For some reason, there's an inordinate amount of friction that always bubbles up, which I find to be unexplainable. I get along fine with everyone - but perhaps that's just because I'm oblivious. 

We still have a few more days. Mother-In-Law wants to hit up a couple Indian casinos while we're here. Could be fun, I guess. I could do the religious thing and say "no" to gambling, as though it is evil, or I could float around playing quarter slots like everyone else, and just chill. Whatever will make Mother-In-Law happiest is what I'll end up doing, of course. She's so generous, it's the least I can do.  If dropping quarters into a machine will help her enjoy our visit out here, I'll gladly let 'em drop.

Todayve In History: May 21

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- May 21, 1881: The American Red Cross is established by Clara Barton. (Free band-aids for everyone!!!)

- May 21, 1917: The Great Atlanta Fire takes place. (And I thought it was just Detroit that burned their city down to celebrate a World Series victory...)

- May 21, 1927: Charles Lindbergh touches down in Paris, becoming the first to fly solo nonstop across the Atlantic. (He'd have gone farther, but he needed to take a leak.)

- May 21, 1966: The UVF declares war on the IRA in Northern Ireland. (Let the Troubles begin!)

May 21 is also the birthday of the following bizarre collection of people: Al Franken, Mr. T, Jeffery Dahmer and the Notorious BIG. I know there's a common thread, I just haven't figured it out yet...

Funny Picture Time:

True, true...

Going to try and see the new Star Trek flick on Friday afternoon. I plan on waiting for a quiet moment in the film, and then blowing a loud, fake fart on my right bicep, just to make myself giggle like a school boy. In fact, I may do it several times, until an usher comes to escort me from the theater, as I get pelted with popcorn and flat soda. Then I'll pretend to be deeply offended, start screaming about how my rights are being violated, and have to be forcably restrained until the police arrive. Hopefully, I can squeeze in a nice "don't taze me bro!" or two. 

Man, the things I do to make this blog interesting! Sheesh! That night, my post will read, "I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside... darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time..."

And you'll all hang on my every word! MUAHAHAHA!!!!! 

It's been too long since I posted a clip of a lip-synching kid, so here's a 3 year old working a country song...

You don't have to watch the whole thing, but that's not bad for such a little tyke. He rocked the guitar, too. Here's the direct link if the video isn't showing for you...

I think I'm going to end today's nonsense here. If I get the chance, and I can think of any further hot air to add, I'll hop on later.

Until then, remember, I know everything there is to know about the greatest game ever invented.