You Know, Squeezin' That Watch Won't Stop Time...

"A Six Pack" + "A Pachyderm" = A Sixpachyderm.

Oooh! Custom, handmade lame graphics for tonight's post! Now THAT is dedication!

You know what? I'm not going to complain in tonight's post. Not once. If I go to proof-read this post and see that I complained about something, I'm going to edit it right out and you'll never know! You'll think I'm just so upbeat and happy and full of life today! You will be proud of me! You'll wonder how you can learn to be so sickeningly Pollyanic yourself! "Dave," you'll say... "What, may I ask, is the secret to living such an angst-free, worry-less, emotionally cutting-edge life?" And I shall smile, and say, "Editing, my friend... editing."

And we'll live happily ever after! All of us! Together on a big farm. You get to milk the cows, by the way. I'm not into that. And horses scare me, so someone else needs to care for them. And goats stink, so they're out. In fact, you guys divvy up the chores amongst yourselves - I'll be in my office, drinking a Red Bull on ice and farting around on my computer, 'escaping' like a mad man.

Why did we agree to live on a farm again? Who decided that one? Well, at least the rhutebega's are fresh. Nothing like a fresh rhutebega....

[Edited complaining]

New Appliance Week ended well today. Thursday was New Refrigerator Day, and today was New TV Day. Our old(er) LCD TV had the sound stop working on it. Knowing nothing about fixing TVs, I turned to various sources for advice on where to turn to get it fixed. Being good little fiscal conservatives, they all said it's a waste of time and money to get it looked at and/or fixed, so I should stimulate the economy by buying a new one. I thought that was weak sauce, so I researched how much it would cost to fix, and how much to replace the TV with an exact duplicate. Turns out, it really was going to cost more to fix than replace. While I mulled this over, our back-up TV (one of the old school beasts that was donated to our family by mom) also stopped working.

Well, that settled that. We are now the proud owners of a new LCD TV. My hands were tied, in a way. Considering the staggering amount of TV that is watched by the more feminine members of my family every day, we would not have lasted long without a working set in the house. There would have been deaths, dismemberments, beheadings, disembowelments and forced tracheotomies before 48 hours, I'm sure. Now, we can once again partake of the glorious audio-visual offerings of the sublime America's Next Top Model, and Real Housewives of East St. Louis - only now in stunning 1080p! For the record, if I don't make it out of here, don't put me down for mummification.

Hey, speaking of disembowelments...

Actually, I don't have a tie-in, I just thought it would be funny to say, "Speaking of disembowelments"...

OK, fine, here's a cool video clip for you.

There's a kid with too much time on his hands. He gets to milk that "Merry Christmas" shot all year, man. And now that it's on the internet, he'll feel like a king... and that will likely end up being the highlight of his sad little life. Ah, I am green with envy!

Well, as much time as that kid wasted, it's nothing compared to the time (and video tape) that this next kid wasted filming "trick shots" for the next clip...

Man, that dude is so cool! I mean, like, super swank cool! You can tell by the pretentious music and text. He's so cool he accidentally cryogenically freezes himself on a regular basis. He's so cool, people get hypothermia just watching his video clips. Admit it, you got chills... admit it. Ah, I am green with envy again!

I was reading Patrick Rothfuss' blog today, and he updated his page with his upcoming scheduled appearances. He's the author of the best book I've read in years, The Name of the Wind. Anyway, he'll be in San Diego in late July, at the Comic Con downtown. He'll be speaking on a panel on the Evolution of Fantasy and signing books. Alas, it will take more than an appearance by my current fave author to convince me to go to Comic Con again. I went a bunch of years ago with Johnny Boy and Joseph, and I think I'll pass, thanks. I'm not much for crowds - they give me bowel angst... and anything that contributes to the degradation of my intestinal tract is bad news for anyone near me. Anything I can do to encourage wifey to want to remain in the same room with me is a priority at the moment. Seems I have the rare gift for getting into trouble without even trying. I guess you could call it a gift. Get me Hostage Rescue at Quantico now!

[More edited complaining]

Besides, I'm not all that big on "celebrity worship" and all that. "Ooh! Can I have your autograph!? I just LOVE you! You're so cool! I may faint and lose bladder control!"

Spare me. You can turn off the charm - I'm immune.

Ah, I am green with envy yet again!!!

All right, that's enough juice for now. I think I'm going to call it a night. Until tomorrow, remember, most of the time, all you need is a stick of gum, a pocket knife and a smile.