I Can Say 'Hello' in a Lot of Different Languages. Not Yours, but a Lot of Them...

"A crushing blow" or "a blushing crow", which one?

I learned something tonight. No matter how great a nice big plate of spaghetti tastes, it is NEVER a good idea to follow that up with a second nice big plate. Big mistake. *urp* I have a long night ahead of me! Let that be a lesson to you all! One of my purposes in life is to serve as an example to you all on what *not* to do. With that in mind, if any of you need indirect relationship advice, let me know... or wait and watch the movie they make of my life. I wonder who they'll get to play me? Perhaps Harland Williams is available...

And now, story time...

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Once upon a time, Dave lived with his wonderful family in a wonderful house, in a wonderful city. He loved his kids more than anything. His kids were smart and beautiful, and very proud of the dishes in their kitchen - the haphazard collection of chipped plates and bowls, mismatched cups and plasticware, and coffee mugs with all manner of "funny" sayings on them. The pans and pots, most with scrapes and digs on their surface, from using the metal spatulas when they weren't supposed to, and with crud still stuck around the handle like petrified wood. And the drawer full of little plastic lids that have been collected over the years - their matching cheap plastic cups having long since been thrown out! And the collection of singed oven mits.

They were so proud of these cupboards full of odds and ends that they tried their level best to display them for anyone entering the kitchen to see! Dave's house was a house of love. The end.
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At least, I that's the best reason I can come up with to explain why every time I walk into the kitchen, every cupboard door and half the drawers are open! And sometimes, the dishwasher door, the fridge and/or the oven door is open as well!

Perhaps it's a calculated act of misdirection, in order to distract my attention from the fact that they think the kitchen floor is a perfectly acceptable substitute for the trash can.

Well, at least the faucet doesn't drip anymore... it used to drive me crazy while I tried to sleep each night on the nearby couch...

Today was not only a Rug Shop Day for me, but it was a rare variation of Take Your Family To Work Day as well. This variation consists of us all driving into the shop, dropping Dad off to try and get some work done, and then the rest of the family continues on to the Mall - or as it's known in our house, "that place that is temporarily storing shoes, clothing and an occasional electronic gadget for us." It is really nice of the mall to store our "to-be-purchased" items for us like that. Every day, we go over there and retrieve some of it... you'd think that a woman that hates doing laundry as much as wifey does would try to keep from exponentially increasing our collection of it...

Well, I do my part to cut down on laundry... by wearing the same jeans at least 7 days in a row. I'll change everything else daily, but real men can squeeze at least a week out of each pair of jeans before they need cleaning. Sometimes more. The only things that get washed less often are my hats - or as I like to call them, the lazy man's hairstyle. It's odd that I would call them that, since a word can't get much easier to say than "hat". If you'd like to research that, check with Dr. Suess.

That reminds me: Why hasn't someone put a bullet into the head of Ahmadinejad yet? I like Michael Savage's idea - wait till that little Anti-semite is giving a speech and introduce a nice Tomahawk missile into the performance. I'm sorry, I know I'm supposed to be a "turn the other cheek" Christian type, but I can't help it - some people deserve to be reduced to a fine, red mist. I knew a man once who said, "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back."

Boy, look at me, rambling on, and I haven't even posted a funny picture or video clip yet! What's wrong with me?

Fine, here's a Funny Picture for you. ("For you" not "of you"! Sheesh!)

"Mama, when are you going to tell Rover that he's adopted?"

OK, I've just decided. First, I'm going to wedge a grape really far up one nostril. Then I'll have wifey take me to the emergency room. I'll explain to them through tears and wailing that I just loved the smell of the grapes so much that I wanted to get a really good whiff. I'll thrash about so much as they try to remove it that I'll have to be sedated and strapped down. And then, once the grape is out and I'm in the recovery room, drifting off, I'll say, "Wait... I didn't tell you where the peaches are..." Then I'll pass out. I'll have wifey video tape the whole thing, I'll upload it to YouTube, and embed the video here, so you can all watch it and laugh! I made it, Ma! Top of the world!

Man, the things I do to entertain you! Sheesh! Well, I was trained by the best. British intelligence. But in retrospect, I would rather have been a poet... or a farmer.

Well, I don't just entertain; I educate as well. Here's a clip demonstrating the proper way to steal ice cream from a child.

Remember back in the day, when it used to be called "iced cream" instead of "ice cream"? Remember? Yeah, that was cool... that was back when life was simple, and the world was in soft pastels and there were grassy meadows and sunshine as far as the eye could see... I hope you liked that clip... it was good, but I think I liked it better the first time I saw it... in 1942, you dinosaur!

Alas, I am now going to bail on you. You've been a great crowd tonight, but we are done. No, no... don't speak. For some moments in life, there are no words. Run along now. Now if you'll excuse me, I have stones to sell, fat to chew, and many different men to see about many different dogs. Until tomorrow, remember, Danny... two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

Current Book: The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (complete works)
Current Movie: None!
Current Body-Odor Reading: Ripe