Monday, June 15, 2009

I Can Say 'Hello' in a Lot of Different Languages. Not Yours, but a Lot of Them...


"A crushing blow" or "a blushing crow", which one?

I learned something tonight. No matter how great a nice big plate of spaghetti tastes, it is NEVER a good idea to follow that up with a second nice big plate. Big mistake. *urp* I have a long night ahead of me! Let that be a lesson to you all! One of my purposes in life is to serve as an example to you all on what *not* to do. With that in mind, if any of you need indirect relationship advice, let me know... or wait and watch the movie they make of my life. I wonder who they'll get to play me? Perhaps Harland Williams is available...

And now, story time...

--------------------------------------
Once upon a time, Dave lived with his wonderful family in a wonderful house, in a wonderful city. He loved his kids more than anything. His kids were smart and beautiful, and very proud of the dishes in their kitchen - the haphazard collection of chipped plates and bowls, mismatched cups and plasticware, and coffee mugs with all manner of "funny" sayings on them. The pans and pots, most with scrapes and digs on their surface, from using the metal spatulas when they weren't supposed to, and with crud still stuck around the handle like petrified wood. And the drawer full of little plastic lids that have been collected over the years - their matching cheap plastic cups having long since been thrown out! And the collection of singed oven mits.

They were so proud of these cupboards full of odds and ends that they tried their level best to display them for anyone entering the kitchen to see! Dave's house was a house of love. The end.
--------------------------------------

At least, I that's the best reason I can come up with to explain why every time I walk into the kitchen, every cupboard door and half the drawers are open! And sometimes, the dishwasher door, the fridge and/or the oven door is open as well!

Perhaps it's a calculated act of misdirection, in order to distract my attention from the fact that they think the kitchen floor is a perfectly acceptable substitute for the trash can.

Well, at least the faucet doesn't drip anymore... it used to drive me crazy while I tried to sleep each night on the nearby couch...

Today was not only a Rug Shop Day for me, but it was a rare variation of Take Your Family To Work Day as well. This variation consists of us all driving into the shop, dropping Dad off to try and get some work done, and then the rest of the family continues on to the Mall - or as it's known in our house, "that place that is temporarily storing shoes, clothing and an occasional electronic gadget for us." It is really nice of the mall to store our "to-be-purchased" items for us like that. Every day, we go over there and retrieve some of it... you'd think that a woman that hates doing laundry as much as wifey does would try to keep from exponentially increasing our collection of it...

Well, I do my part to cut down on laundry... by wearing the same jeans at least 7 days in a row. I'll change everything else daily, but real men can squeeze at least a week out of each pair of jeans before they need cleaning. Sometimes more. The only things that get washed less often are my hats - or as I like to call them, the lazy man's hairstyle. It's odd that I would call them that, since a word can't get much easier to say than "hat". If you'd like to research that, check with Dr. Suess.

That reminds me: Why hasn't someone put a bullet into the head of Ahmadinejad yet? I like Michael Savage's idea - wait till that little Anti-semite is giving a speech and introduce a nice Tomahawk missile into the performance. I'm sorry, I know I'm supposed to be a "turn the other cheek" Christian type, but I can't help it - some people deserve to be reduced to a fine, red mist. I knew a man once who said, "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back."

Boy, look at me, rambling on, and I haven't even posted a funny picture or video clip yet! What's wrong with me?

Fine, here's a Funny Picture for you. ("For you" not "of you"! Sheesh!)


"Mama, when are you going to tell Rover that he's adopted?"

OK, I've just decided. First, I'm going to wedge a grape really far up one nostril. Then I'll have wifey take me to the emergency room. I'll explain to them through tears and wailing that I just loved the smell of the grapes so much that I wanted to get a really good whiff. I'll thrash about so much as they try to remove it that I'll have to be sedated and strapped down. And then, once the grape is out and I'm in the recovery room, drifting off, I'll say, "Wait... I didn't tell you where the peaches are..." Then I'll pass out. I'll have wifey video tape the whole thing, I'll upload it to YouTube, and embed the video here, so you can all watch it and laugh! I made it, Ma! Top of the world!

Man, the things I do to entertain you! Sheesh! Well, I was trained by the best. British intelligence. But in retrospect, I would rather have been a poet... or a farmer.

Well, I don't just entertain; I educate as well. Here's a clip demonstrating the proper way to steal ice cream from a child.


Remember back in the day, when it used to be called "iced cream" instead of "ice cream"? Remember? Yeah, that was cool... that was back when life was simple, and the world was in soft pastels and there were grassy meadows and sunshine as far as the eye could see... I hope you liked that clip... it was good, but I think I liked it better the first time I saw it... in 1942, you dinosaur!

Alas, I am now going to bail on you. You've been a great crowd tonight, but we are done. No, no... don't speak. For some moments in life, there are no words. Run along now. Now if you'll excuse me, I have stones to sell, fat to chew, and many different men to see about many different dogs. Until tomorrow, remember, Danny... two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

Current Book: The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (complete works)
Current Movie: None!
Current Body-Odor Reading: Ripe

16 comments:

marky said...

Top of the world = White Heat (one of my favourites)

British intelligence, now there's a contradiction of terms if I've ever heard one! They tend to leave their laptops on the train on a monthly basis. Lap tops that contain many government secrets.
Jimmy Bond they are not.

David Wagner said...

5 points for Marky, woot!

Yeah, but British Intelligence agents look so cool in those kilts!

No, wait... that's the Scots, nevermind...

Sorry for the mix-up. I wouldn't have even mentioned them if I weren't quoting a movie... err... uhh...!

Doh!

marky said...

I was trained by the best. British intelligence. But in retrospect, I would rather have been a poet... or a farmer.
===================================

Really, It would happen to be a quote from the Rock?

Bobinho said...

title is from Midnight Run :)

Bobinho said...

"Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back" is from the Gladiator!

Bobinho said...

"in 1942, you dinosaur" is from Big Fat Liar!

booya!

Taija said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Avari said...

No, no... don't speak. For some moments in life, there are no words= willy wonka and the chocolate factory

Abbie said...

Danny... two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left = caddyshack
i'm glad to see you are in better spirits dave!! :)
oh, and I definitely think you should get back to writing your novel! i'm excited for it :D

David Wagner said...

5 more for Marky, 15 for Bob-O, and 5 for Shannon and Abbie!

Paula Titus said...

Thanks for solving the mystery of the open kitchen cabinets, makes perfect sense to me -and what a blessing to know our children are so appreciative.

That chicken on the puppy image is too funny!

Hilarious bit about the mall too..keep 'em coming. :)

Abbie said...

oh and...
I have stones to sell, fat to chew, and many different men to see about many different dogs = snatch

David Wagner said...

5 more for Abbie! I thought that one might slip through... good work...

David Wagner said...

Paula, I notice you didn't mention the bit about the grape in the nostril... is it safe to assume you don't think that's a worthwhile endeavor? ;)

havah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
havah said...

Just so you feel better...jeans aren't supposed to be washed every time you wear them. I'm glad I have an excuse now too. ;)

As for the video clip...if they updated it the kid would no doubt shoot the helicopter down with some sort of nifty hand-held guided missile. Just saying...
:D