Monday, June 29, 2009

Will You Please Slap the Glasses Off of My Face? kthxbye

"How do I look," Dave asked, running his fingers through his hair and checking his reflection in a nearby window. His prison grays looked wrinkled, but dignified.

"Beautiful, numbnuts," replied the prison guard. "Get in there."

"I can't believe it's been 18 months already," Dave said to himself, passing through the door and into the room beyond, where the parole board sat, waiting silently, Dave's files open before them. He sat down in the empty chair under the fluorescent lights and waited for them to make the first move. After an uncomfortable silence, the gentleman in the center seat cleared his throat and began to speak. He was cut off by the door slamming open. In strode the warden.

"Good, you're all here. Let's get this nonsense underway." He began to pace the floor between Dave and the parole board.

"Let me state clearly and immediately that this prisoner is a disgrace. He's a selfish, arrogant bastard who isolates himself, alienating me and the rest of the prisoners. He has proven to me from the beginning that he is not committed to staying here, and I think it's high time that he leaves. Simply put, I cannot stomach him anymore, and I advice strongly that you boot his sorry butt out of here, so I can get some peace. He's too hard to deal with and I just can't do it anymore. I won't."

The warden turned and left the room, just as suddenly as he entered. When all was quiet again, the head of the parole board cleared his throat again. "Prisoner, do you know why you were incarcerated in our facility?"

"Yes, sir."

"Do you feel you've paid your debt to society and should be released?"

"No, sir, absolutely not."

"You do not wish to be set free again?"

"Sir, in spite of what the warden said, I am committed to stay here for the rest of my life, and here I would like to stay. I realize I'm not the ideal prisoner, and that I have much to learn, but it will be impossible to learn if I'm kicked out. I must stay. Please, reject my parole and let me remain here, where my heart is. I shall redouble my efforts; this time, I'll prove my worth to the warden, I promise."

The members of the parole board all looked at each other. They nodded as an unspoken agreement was reached between them. The man in the center stamped "Parole Rejected" on the paper stapled to the front of Dave's file.

Of course, it was the only stamp he had brought to the meeting.


A boring Monday crawls to a close, and here I sit, a blog to write, and sorely lacking in inspiration. Nevertheless, I shall plow ahead - it's not like it's a new experience for me. Most of the time I have no clue. I am a wing nut if there ever was one...

Stayed up till 3:30 am last night. So much for the early camp bedtimes straightening out my body clock. I'm back to my old tricks again - and so soon! It's mildly depressing, and make no mistake!

I went into the rug shop today and made a bunch of bookmarks for our first real website customer - a gentleman from Great Falls VA. Schweet. Well, here's hoping we'll get more customers, eh! Then I'll be filthy rich and I'll finally be able to buy that giant clam-shaped bathtub I've always wanted. Or the oversized pool table with the 24 pockets and 100 pool balls. Or that stretch Hummer with the driving range in the back. You know, the basics.

Man, I am just sitting here, staring at my keyboard, my head as empty as my heart. Wish I had done something interesting today, but I didn't. Not that there's nothing going on - I'm sure you can tell that by my not-too-subtle intro.

Guess I better track down a funny video. BRB... ok, time for some low-brow humor.

I know, I know. That video shocked and offended you, and made you lose all respect for me, blah blah blah. What can I say? Poor judgment is my middle name of late.

Funny Picture Time:
I know seeing eye dogs are dedicated, but that's borderline ridiculous, isn't it? What do you suppose that dog was thinking at that moment? I should have a Caption Contest for this one.

I would do Todayve In History, but it's pretty light on choices today. The Tunguska Incident occurred on this day in 1908, but unless you're a meteorologist, you wouldn't care. Buddy Hacket died on this day in 2003, but most of you don't know who he was. Having birthdays today are Mike Tyson, Terry Funk and Yngwie Malmsteen. Raise your hand if you give a krap! Yes, I spelled it with a "k"! I kan do that if I kare to - it's my blogg!

And with that sorry spurt of weak writing, I shall let today's pathetic post fizzle out. Until tomorrow, yadda yadda yadda...


havah said...

Krappy Day doesn't come close to describing it, does it? I wish I could help, but we both know how that goes. And, as you've told me before (to paraphrase) sometimes everything you think of to say sounds lame and not at helpful. But the intent is there. So let me just say: It could be could be that dog! ;)

Btw...I love the "Cut the Cheese" thing. I guess that means I have poor judgment if that was ever in doubt. :-/

Hang in there...

Paula Titus said...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these!" The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box.. I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...

David Wagner said...

Thanks for the laugh, Paula and the encouragement, Havah.

Abbs said...

haha, very cute paula!! :D interesting intro dave... hope you had a marvelous day today! :D

havah said...

PS I thought my brother and I were the only people north of the Equator to use the expression "numbnuts". Although admittedly, he uses it considerably more than I do. It's a guy thing, I think.