Thursday, June 11, 2009

They Oughta Put Your Mouth in a Circus...

"Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury... the prosecution will, over the course of this trial, prove that the Defendant, Mr. David Wagner, participated with willful premeditation in the daily expulsion of hot air, in the form of what's called an internet blog, which, while free and open to all, nevertheless has certain expectations and unwritten rules, if you will, that are universally accepted and understood by all to be in place to prevent any one person, such as Mr. Wagner, from inflicting offensive, overly useless and/or psychologically subversive material on the unsuspecting public. Sure, a good percentage of the browsing public have seen enough in other places to harden them to the feckless tripe that the Defendant shovels out daily, but many are not... these innocent wanderers stumble upon the Defendant's Blog, innocuously entitled My Little Cornhole of the World and--"

"Objection, your Honor!" Dave said, standing from his spot, alone at the Defense Table. He was defending himself, since no lawyer dared risk destroying his/her career by taking on such a hopeless case, even for a staggering amount of cash.

"Grounds?" Judge Smitter asked, bored out of his gourd already, here at the beginning of opening statements.

"He, uh... he got the name of the blog incorrect," Dave replied sheepishly, even though he knew the rule against using adverbs in fiction.

"Please read back the transcript," Judge Smitter asked the court stenographer, a petite Spanish man, with perfectly manicured nails and his hair in a pony tail.

"Umm... 'the Defendant's blog, innocuously entitled, "My Little Cornhole of the World."'" the stenographer softly spoke. The use of another adverb so soon after the prior one did not escape notice by the jury. This would work to the Prosecution's favor.

"What is the problem, Mr. Wagner?" Judge Smitter demanded.

"It's 'My Little Corner of the World'... not 'Cornhole.'"

Judge Smitter waited for another adverb. It did not come.

"Your Honor, may I approach the bench?" the Prosecuting attorney asked. The Judge waved them both forward.

"Your Honor, today's intro is taking too long. Can we move for a mistrial and go play golf while Dave gets on with it? His readers are beginning to shuffle impatiently."

The Judge nodded and stood. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I'm going to declare a mistrial, on the grounds of too many adverbs used in this ridiculous intro. Case dismissed!"

The courtroom erupted with cheers. The reporters sprinted out to file their stories, while the jury members surrounded Dave, hoisted him up on their shoulders, carried him outside, and deposited him in the dumpster in the back alley.

And Dave lived happily ever after! The end! (__|__)


Well, that was lame...

Thursday scooted along like a yuppie on a Segway today. Had another Rug Shop Day... gave Rug Care Central a goosing and got it moving today. All the Traffic Geyser stuff is exciting, but it still dances right on the edge of my ability to grasp it all. I know there's a lot there to lay hold of, and it looks like a sure-fire win, not only for the shop, but for any other web-related project I might want to launch. Heck, if I learned the skill set well enough, I could basically walk into any business and have them hire me to get their website activity super-charged. Talk about an incredible opportunity... and I won't have to go to college to learn it!

Then I'll be rich and famous, and you'll all be like, "Remember when Dave was a bumbling nobody, who couldn't even afford a measly Rolls Royce Phantom for his blog Movie Quote Contest? Man, what a putz he was... but look at him now! He finally got enough dough to get his teeth fixed! Life is good for him! He always thought it would be better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody." Then I'll die in a freak Zamboni accident, and you'll all collect on the insurance and be filthy rich yourselves. Yeah, then you'll see what a headache it is, dealing with your servants and having an official food taster and having to shop at hideously low-brow stores like *shudder* Neiman Marcus... Gag me!

Anyway, who knows... I'm not that bad, I guess. Better than the widower with four children or the cartoonist with one arm...

Here's something I saw today that blew me away... the horror... the horror...

I can't imagine the time it took for this guy to create that. That's all stop-motion animation with post-it notes on a wall... crazy.

Todayve In History: June 12
- June 12, 1939: The Baseball Hall of Fame opens in Cooperstown, New York. (Back then, there were only two bases, and home plate was shaped like an equilateral triangle.)

- June 12, 1942: Anne Frank receives a diary for her 13th birthday. (There are no walls, no bolts, no locks that anyone can put on your mind.)

- June 12, 1987: Ronald Reagan publicly challenges Gorbachev to "tear down this wall" while giving a speech at the Brandenberg Gate. (The response was, "What wall? I don't see no wall! You see a wall? I don't see a wall!")

- June 12, 1994: OJ Simpson turns his ex-wife and a "wrong place, wrong time" dude both into human pez dispensers. (If the glove doesn't fit, you still did it, you knob!)

Funny Picture Time!

Wait... do the pool rules prohibit swimming while bare, or swimming while a bear? Does the hot weather make you behave badly? Well, if you're a bird, I'm a bird.

I have absolutely nothing left to write tonight. I have nothing "left to right" either... my tank is as empty as both my bank account and my brain pan. So I guess I'll end it here. Until tomorrow, remember, I've never seen a turtle... but I understand what you mean...


Avari said...

They Oughta Put Your Mouth in a Circus = Cinderella Man

Avari said...

the horror... the horror = Apocalypse now???

Avari said...

There are no walls, no bolts, no locks that anyone can put on your mind= The Diary of Anne Frank

Avari said...

Funny intro. Funny that you made it Judge Smitter. Is your top pic photoshoped? Pretty crazy cool pic. What a cute little bear.

Paula Titus said...

"Better than the widower with four children or the cartoonist with one arm." The Namesake

Great writing.

Anonymous said...

great opening..the whole thing must be from Alice in wonderland..thanks for the trip..see you at the rug shop...

Abbie said...

Dave, that was an awesome opening!!! ahhaha, very very clever :D

Well, if you're a bird, I'm a bird = the notebook
I've never seen a turtle... but I understand what you mean = Blade Runner
He always thought it would be better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody = the talented mr. Ripley

and 5 Points to Anna Jo. for knowing "the horror...the horror" from Heart of Darkness before I figured it out :D Go Anna!!
awesome post it video too dave!! sweet stuff....

David Wagner said...

5 points for Paula and Anna, 15 points for Abbie the Great.

Hey, look how grumpy I am! Ready?


Abbie said...

dave... your rankings are all floofy... you have paula and grace as #4s but their points aren't the same... and I can guess who sean connery is, but who is the ghost of elijah??? :D
You're the best!!! lol