Monday, January 5, 2009

Remember, Remember, the fifth of... January?

V For Vendetta.... pretty good flick...

Plugging, plugging along... uh oh... I feel a poem coming on...

Safe and bored and tinged with guilt,
I stand aboard the dreams I've built,
Calm and anchored close to shore,
As yesterday and day before,
I stand and look and wish I had,
The nerve.

To sail away.

Ah, nevermind. Today came and went like just about every other, filled with more should haves than dids. It's not like I didn't get anything done - I mean, I got some invoicing done, I took the kids out for a bite to eat, I got the carpets cleaned and gave the carpet cleaner a bag of lemons from my lemon tree... and I read more of a good novel... and I played FATE more than I should have. In other words, like every other day.

While at the same time, inside, I'm screaming! I know the way I wish I was spending my time, but I don't do it. Why? Well, I've analyzed it from as many possible angles as I can, and I think it has to do with familiarity and comfort and risk. I know what I have, and it's comfortable, and it's in my hand. I don't particularly like it, but I'm familiar with it - I know what to expect from my daily routine. But it fills my hands! To grab something else means I'd have to first put down what I'm holding! And then there would be those few moments in between where I would be holding nothing... with nothing but a promise that something better is there for the taking.

I may not have much, and it may not be the best, but at least it's something. If I set it down, even to hopefully take up something else, at that moment, I have nothing.

That applies not only to my daily routine (which ultimately is of little importance), but also to my spiritual walk. God holds out His very best to me, and has given me, in large part, the ability to see it and understand it... yet I clutch my rags to myself. I have to set aside my rags to lay hold of God's best.

At that point, it's a matter of trust. How much do I trust this God of mine? Is He a God of His word? What experiences do I have that I can base such a judgment on? I need to know for sure that if I truly give up what little I have, I will truly be taken in to His presence, to His best.

Like a royal carriage that pulls up in front of a tumble-down shack with a poor, dirty farmer living inside with a little scrawny pathetic goat. The farmer has next to nothing, living in poverty, with rags on his back, and little food for he and his goat to share... A herald exits the carriage and enters the shack. He comes with a message from the King.

"The King invites you to come and live as His special guest in His Palace. You will be well fed and cared for and loved for the rest of your life, sitting at the King's table, in the highest place of honor. You have only to leave what little you have and come with me in the carriage. Do you accept?"

The farmer looks around, subconsciously hugging his rags to himself. "But... what about my goat?"

That's how I feel. An unimaginable offer from the King stands before me - all I need to do is accept it, strip off my rags, leave the goat and the shack, step into the carriage and life changes in the most dramatic of ways.

That is, if the word of the King can be trusted.

What if the farmer leaves all, enters the carriage and is hauled away to a dungeon, or driven far away and dumped unceremoniously onto the side of the road? Yes, he had very little, and yet now even that is gone.

So, again, trust. I see it. I hear the offer. I understand it (in part). So, can the word of God be trusted? I can read all about Him, and hear other people tell me about Him... but how much, if any, solid experience do I have with God and His keeping His word? Have I lived a sheltered spiritual life, out of fear and/or laziness? Have I robbed myself of the first-hand experiential knowledge that will provoke me to lay down what little I have and follow the King.

Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me.

The rewards defy comprehension. But first must come the denying, the taking, the following, with only the faith that God is a God that keeps His word.

So I sit on my vessel, tied safely in the harbor, looking out at the vast, limitless possibility on the horizon, wishing I could somehow generate the nerve necessary to pull up the anchors, set the sails, and fly out into the ocean blue. Adventure!!!

Nothing new under the sun, eh? lol

1 comment:

havah said...

Yay! It works! :D
Wow. You've hit the nail on the head for me, Dave (and stolen a blog post to boot..grrr *lol*).

Seriously, I have been agonising over this for so very long now in every aspect of my life. I don't know when I got so afraid of letting go and living life, but I know it's destroying me. Nothing like blocking your own blessings, hmm? Like you, I wish I had words of wisdom...but it's hard to tell someone how to get out of the same boat you're stuck in.

I love your poem, btw -- simply eloquent.