Just Look at the Face: It's Vacant, with a Hint of Sadness

OK, as you all know, I usually start out with a spoonerism or a "sound alike"... as of tonight, I've exhausted all my best ones, and all my second-best ones... and almost all of the bad ones too. All that's left in my bag at the moment is one really, really lame one. This is what I've been reduced to. I officially have no pride left after this one. You have been warned...

Ready?

"No ifs, ands, or buts" or "No whiffs and sore butts", you decide...

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We interrupt this blog post for a special news bulletin. There has been a riot reported over at My Little Corner of the World. Initial details are sketchy, but it appears that Dave started off tonight's post with a "sound alike" that infuriated his normally placid and refined audience. Dave had just settled in to begin, apparently he offered a warning that most did not take seriously enough, and then he let it fly. Almost immediately, the rotten fruit also began to fly, and Dave, after initially bravely facing the barrage, ducked off stage. But at that point, the damage had been done, and his readers were out for blood.

Let's go to our on-the-spot reporter for a live update. Tim?


Jill, as you can see behind me, the smoke is already billowing into the air from the theater where Dave was holding his blog performance tonight. I've yet to speak to anyone actually at the performance tonight - in fact, this is as close as I've been able to get to the site of the riot thus far... not because of the police presence, but because I am not wearing any pants. I rushed over here before I had fully dressed. In any case, some people that I have spoken to suggested it was for the best that the theater burn down in a riot, but it was later discovered that the people saying that were simply jealous that they had not been able to obtain tickets to tonight's sold out performance. Back to you, Jill....


Thank you, Tom. I have word that our own Pete Repeat is standing by across the street from the theater, where a crowd has assembled on some hastily-built bleachers, and concession sales are brisk. Pete?

Thank you, Jill. The atmosphere here across the street can be described as a smoldering, tense excitement. We are upwind of the blaze, so the view is unobscured. The crowd of regular readers in attendance tonight had all exited the building earlier, as the blaze broke out, and then formed a perimeter around the block, hoping to catch Dave as he escaped the premises, with threats of wedgies, swirlies, Dutch rubs and charlie horses being thrown with rapid-fire ferocity. One regular reader, a young man who would not give his name, but wore a golf shirt with "Dr. Hook" embroidered on it, said the following. Quote, "I have known Dave my whole life, and never has he sunk this low. It was embarrassing and pathetic, and he deserves every Buttercup he receives today." When I pressed Dr. Hook to repeat the opening "sound alike", he merely shook his head, eyes wide with horror, and slowly walked away. We interviewed another man, named Marky, but his Scottish accent was so thick, we couldn't understand a word he was saying. But he didn't look happy. Jill?

So Pete, any word yet on the whereabouts of Dave?

No word yet, Jill. We do know that the theater is a total loss, that there was no loss of life, and that rumors of escape tunnels are being circulated, leading the unruly mob of angry readers to believe that perhaps Dave has escaped their dragnet.

Thank you, Pete. That's the very latest on the riot that broke out tonight at Dave's blog performance downtown. We will continue to update you all as the events develop. We now return you to tonight's blog. This is Jill St. Sphincter for Channel 2 News.

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*cough* *cough*

Can you hear me? It's so dark in here, and my eyes are stinging... I have finally escaped from the theater using my escape tunnel, but it took me longer than expected, because I had just received shipment of this months' supply of beef jerky, and the boxes had been stacked on the trap-door entrance. So moving the boxes quickly was difficult, and then I had to stop and eat some. I hated to leave all of that wonderful jerky back there to burn, along with the cases of Red Bull, my beloved Scrabble dictionary, my Lego collection and my back issues of Gollywomper Illustrated. Some of those early issues are valuable...

Anyway, I'm safely ensconced in my secret bunker, but I'm still pretty jittery. I still hear shouts and low rumbling now and then... but that might just be the Hot Pockets I had for lunch talkin'. I have the ventilation system running full bore right now, just in case...

Anyway, I left most of my material for tonight's post back in the theater... I didn't take much with me... I do have this Funny Picture...


... but it doesn't seem appropriate now, what with all of the violence that has occurred tonight already... It's the only funny picture I have left, though... but I did find this video clip in my fanny pack a few moments ago, so I'll put it up here now...

Funny, sure, on any other night, maybe... but tonight, it only reminds me of the lynch mob that is out there, scouring downtown, looking for me. I am truly frightened. I didn't think the joke was that bad, actually... kinda clever, in a way, if you don't mind occasional low-brow humor... but for them all to turn on me like that... I must have hit their issues without meaning to...

Good thing most of them are Christians, or I'd really be in trouble!

I had some daily trivia, a Gutbuster of the Day, some more cool artwork, and some crazy links, but they are all ashes now. I feel so empty... so alone... I mean, the only thing that could help me now, I think, would be, like, a ton of comments... that would cheer me up for sure... better than text messages, and that's no mistake! I mean, I went way out on a limb with today's ridiculous post... it just started, and took on a life of it's own, and now here it is, ending with me locked in my bunker, wearing nothing but singed boxer briefs and a smile, with beef jerky in my teeth, in desperate need of floss... the sacrifice! The horror! The smell in here! Good grief, is this fan even on?

I'm feeling faint; I better sign off for the night. Until tomorrow, remember, though no one official is prepared to comment, religious groups are calling it Judgment Day.