Wednesday, April 25, 2012

[Sorry. The Blog Post Title Was Stolen]

"Wow, they really did a number on this place. What a mess." Detective Wills removed his police cap and ran his fingers through his hair, looking around the blog.

Dave stood next to him, obviously under distress, thinly-veiled anguish in his eyes. He began to pace.

"They trashed the place, all right." Dave leaned up against the blogroom wall, sighing. Detective Wills took out his notepad.

"OK, Dave, tell me again what happened here."

"Well, I was coming in to prepare today's V-Day post, so that I could share more of my favorites with my fans..."

"Wait a second," Detective Wills said, writing notes, frowning. "V-Day? What is that, exactly?"

"Well, every day this month, I've been making posts for the A-to-Z Challenge, and sharing my favorite stuff. You know, books, music, movies, games, that sort of thing. Each day is a new letter, and today was V Day."

"I see." Detective Wills arched an eyebrow and shrugged, as though he didn't get it, but didn't want to dwell on it. He looked around the entryway. "So, what did you have in here?"

Dave motioned into the lobby area. "In here was the opening photo. I usually have a nice landscapey shot that I open each blog post with. Something nice to set the tone for the visit."

"Gotcha," the detective replied. "Any idea why someone would want to steal that?"

"Nope. They left this photo in its place."

"A snowboarding sloth?" Detective Wills leaned in close. "Pretty good photoshop job. I'll have the lab guys look at it. See if they can find any prints."

Dave glanced at it, smiling. He dropped the smile when he noticed the detective looking at him.

"What sort of message do you think they were trying to send you by leaving this?"

Dave just frowned and shook his head. "No clue." He sighed and plunged his hands into his pockets.

They moved on into the main blog room. "Well, in here was my bit about my favorite movies that started with V. Now they're gone."

"What were they?"

"I'm sorry?" Dave shuffled his feet.

"I said, what were they? Your favorite movies that start with V?"

"Oh... I dunno... I'd have to check my Favorites List. But they, uh... they took the lists as well."

Detective Wills paused, looking up at Dave. "You don't remember?"

"I'm under a lot of stress, okay? I've never been burglarized before!"

"Mmhmm..." Detective Wills made more notes. "And so they left this in it's place?"

"A bag of marshmallows, labeled 'ghost poop'?"

"Yeah, I know. Weird, huh?" Dave's eyes strayed up to the ceiling, then around the room.

"Weird is a good word for it, I'd say." The detective made some more notes. "OK, what are some of your other missing items?"

Dave moved through the main blogroom and into one of the side rooms. "Well, in here, I had some of the music-related items. The acoustics are better in here."

"So you had video links in here then?"

"Yeah. But those are gone also."

Detective Wills walked up to a video embed. "But they left a video in here. This isn't one of yours?"

"Hmm..." the detective watched it a second time. "You know, this clip looks familiar. Haven't I seen it on your blog before?"

Dave cleared his throat. "Um, well... yeah... they, uh... must have found it in my archive and... uh... dropped it in here on the way out..."

"I see. But they took all of your music clips?"


"Of all of your favorite songs that start with V..."

"Yep, all of them." Dave smiled, nodding.

"And can you name any of those songs for me?" Detective Wills stood poised to write on his pad, an eyebrow arched.

"Yeah, sure... there was... uh... there was vvvvv.... umm... one was called... vvvvvv..."

"You know what, Dave?" The detective said, pocketing his notepad and stepping closer. "I'm starting to think you're not telling me the whole truth here."

"No, I am! I'm completely being honest here! All my V Day content was stolen by criminals! Hardened criminal blog burglars, out to destroy my post for the day!" Dave paced dramatically. "All my V Day content, gone! Poof! Into thin air!"

Detective Wills crossed his arms and frowned.

"Like, over here, in this other room! Come in here!" Dave said, crossing the room to another smaller room. "In here I had a bit on my favorite book characters that started with V. Liiiiikkkeee..... VIN! Vin, from Mistborn! Yeah, she was featured today I think! In fact, I'm pretty sure of it!"

Detective Wills followed slowly, watching Dave. "And...?"

"And now, it's gone, and instead, this is here..."

"A cat..?"

"Yes!" Dave smiled triumphantly. "A cat, with some dude holding a little hand-drawn partial face and batman logo in front of it. Funny, right? The cat looks like Batman!"

"Hilarious," the detective said, deadpanned.

"I know, right?" Dave looked at it, smiling. "Now this is something I definitely would put up in a blog post of mine."

"But not on V Day."

"Right, not on--" Dave turned and looked at the detective. "I mean..."

"Mr. Wagner, I have a theory. Tell me if I'm wrong. There was no burglary. You didn't have anything to post for V Day, did you..."

"I did! And it was all stolen and, and, and..." Dave's shoulders slumped under the steady glare of Detective Wills. "I... um..."

"Making a false robbery claim is a punishable offense, Mr. Wagner. I could take you in right now if I wanted to."

Dave glanced around nervously, eyeing the front door. "Look, I'm sorry. I was confused. I hadn't had my coffee for the day yet. My stomach hurt. I stubbed my toe. My wife had yelled at me. I was upset..."

"It's a good thing I'm a fan of your blog, Dave. I'm going to let you go with a warning. Next time, just be honest with your fans and tell them you don't have anything to post. They'll understand. I'm sure they'll survive without a Daily Dose of Dave... and they just might respect you more for your honesty."

Detective Wills turned and headed for the door. Over his shoulder he said, "Now, do you have anything for W Day?"

"Oh, yes, sir. Plenty for W Day." Dave sighed, looking around the blog room. "Thank you, sir."

Detective Wills nodded and left.

Dave checked his watch, rubbed his neck and chuckled. "Now X-Day, on the other hand.... MUAHAHAHAH!!!!!" His evil laugh echoed through the empty blog room as the Imperial March music from Star Wars began to play.

Fade to black, roll end credits.

Dave the Villain


Anonymous said...

I loved it! Anti-V day, you're such a rebel.


logankstewart said...

The cat Batman is one of the coolest animal pictures I've ever seen. Sorry about the burglary. Maybe get some blog-insurance?

Mel said...

Pahahaha...I LOVED this! Always entertaining, Dave, always. Can't wait for X...

Ro @ Eat Live Move said...

Great post!!

I hope you are enjoying the challenge!

Eat Live Move: Intuitive Eating from A to Z!

Michelle said...

Best a to z post yet :)

David Wagner said...

Glad you guys liked this one. I really was going to just say I had nothing and pass on V Day, but I got a little idea and ran with it. Glad it worked out. Now if I can just think of something good for X Day, like I intimated! The pressure!!!