Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Make the Best of What We Offer You, and You Will Suffer Less that You Deserve

Dave's editor, whom we shall refer to as 'Mr. Smith,' poked his head into Dave's office, while rapping on the door jamb. "Alright, whadaya got?"

Dave glanced up from his cluttered desk, and forced a little smile to appear, in spite of his guts' opposite reaction. "Oh, hi, Mr. Smith..."

"Can the small talk. Whadaya got. We're on a deadline." As if Dave could have forgotten that. Mr. Smith had been bellowing about it all afternoon, as he did every day. "We got a blog to run here, in case you didn't notice."

"I did notice, sir, I just---"

"How you're still working here after nine months is beyond me, you simpering lackwit. Now whadaya got! Gimme something!" A little spittle flew that time. Dave sympathized; he figured if he were Mr. Smith's spittle, he'd want to be away from that yapper also.

"Well, Mr. Smith, I... uh... the new iPod Nano's were announced today..."

"... They have a video camera built into them now, so they can take video clips. Plus they have built-in FM Radio and a pedometer, too..."

"Yawn. Come on, Wagner, everyone and their brothers knows about the new iPods already. Heck, that news is over 12 hours old! This is the internet, son! That story's stale!" Mr. Smith began to pace the room, his eyes had that distant glaze over them that signifies he was very much enjoying listening to his own voice. He snapped back to attention again, pointing at Dave with his cigar and saying, "What else!? And so help me, if you talk about all the new remastered Beatles albums being released today, I'll slit my wrists. Scratch that; I'll slit your wrists!"

Dave casually slid the Beatles album release story under the pile, and moved on.

"Well, I did find this cool web link to some Korean dude's amazing Star Wars Collection..."

"If you follow this link, you can go to his site and browse all the rest of the pictures - his collection is truly stunning. But you won't be able to read the text, since it's... um... in Korean." Dave looked up, hopefully.

"Yeah, like I need to read the language... I know what it says! It says, 'Help! I'm a giant nerd with too much discretionary income!' Star Wars is dead and gone, you turnip. What else you got!"

Dave shuffled through his stack, stomach tightening even further. "I have a couple Funny Pictures we can choose from... let's see..."

"How about that? That's funny, right?"

"Good Lord, that's ridiculous! That's not funny, it's sad!" Mr. Smith moved closer, bringing his BO with him. Dave began to take shallower breaths." Figures a mouth-breather like you would find that amusing. A face tattooed on the back of his head? What a complete moron! You two should form a club!"

"Um, ok... well, what about this one..."

Mr. Smith turned and stared at Dave, a look of incredulity on his chubby face. Speaking slowly, he said, "Do I look... like an adolescent to you, Wagner? Do I look like some spineless liberal sandal-wearing hippie that would find pictures of costumed animals amusing? Let me be plain... I am trying to run a blog here. A serious, informative blog that caters to sophisticated, intelligent and refined readers. Give me something I can print, or so help me, I will open that window and throw you out of it."

"I have movie quotes! Here, look at these! You'll never guess the theme!"

  • Keep your nerve Sam, 'cause I'm gonna keep mine.
  • One has to ask some very strange things in the job I have.
  • You're good, kid, but as long as I'm around, you're only second best.
  • Pray for an early spring... or permission to open fire.
  • What happened, somebody hang the wallpaper upside down?

Mr. Smith was not impressed. "Movie quotes? Are you kidding me?"

Dave stammered, "Well, um... Abbie likes them, anyway! And Bob used to! Havah dabbles too..."

Mr. Smith unselfconsciously let slip a rather sizable fart, ran his fingers through his hair, and sighed. "Wagner, my patience is just about spent..."

"Well, we could do pieces on some celebrities that have birthdays on September 10th... Arnold Palmer 1929, Roger Maris 1934, Bill O'Reilly 1949, Colin Firth 1960, Randy Johnson 1963..."

"We are NOT Entertainment Weekly! You know what, forget it. You're through here." Mr Smith turned to leave, plugging his yap with that cigar.

"Wait! Wait, Mr. Smith... I have one more thing..."

Mr. Smith guffawed. "Now THAT is what I'm talking about! That is classy stuff, right there! Find me more like that, Wagner. I knew we kept you around here for a reason."

Dave sighed and slumped into his chair. "Thank you, Mr. Smith."

Over his shoulder as he left the office, Mr. Smith said, "Now, let's go see what Logan, Paula and Havah have for today..."


Jayson said...

I like the twist on your blog today dave. Good story. But Mr. Smith is a butt. haha

havah said...

You deserve the Pullitzer, Dave! *lmao* I loved this. I felt like I was in a real newsroom. Wonderful characterisation, great humour, brilliant flow. You rock! Seriously, you really should be a writer or something. ;)

Loved that tattoo guy...Lord, imagine waking up next to that? As for the Star Wars guy...Wow! Wonder what his insurance on that stuff is?

omg, Dave! Are you going to pay for my new laptop? I was drinking coffee when I watched the clip. Enough said!

Ahh...I needed this blog today. Thank you so much!

PS Mr Smith fired me. *sad*

havah said...

Quotes 1-3 in your list, as well as the theme are on the other page :)

logankstewart said...

Great post, Dave.

1. That STAR WARS collection is amazing. I consider myself a huge STAR WARS fan, but now I feel like my collection is paltry filth. Amazing.

2. I busted out laughing at my desk watching that video. Probably the funniest thing I'll hear all day.

Anonymous said...

great stuff Dave...the star wars collection is kind of amazing to me..remember when your room was all star wars?..bedding, drapes, and every toy they came out with..I never thought of it all as a collection..we just called it 'get this crap up off the floor'...guess we should have saved it ...our web site looks good..good work..kateb15

Crystal said...

Your blog is awesomeness at its finest today. Thanks for the joke! Too funny!! My coworkers once again think I'm crazy, while I laugh at my computer screen.

Krista said...

Oh, yeah, loved the post today, Dave! Very cool and fun!

Awesome joke! Hahahaha, nuff said!

David Wagner said...

So glad you guys enjoyed the video... I thought it was a hoot myself.

Havah got these quotes:
1. "Tom Horn"
2. "The Great Escape"
3. "The Cincinnati Kid"
Theme: The Great Steve McQueen :)

So she gets 15 points for the quotes and an additional 10 points for guessing the theme.

Abbie said...

haha, dave that was awesome :) I love how Mr. Smith has a cigar; totally completes my image of a overbearing newspaper (pardon; newsblog) boss!! Nice

4. The Sand Pebbles
5. The towering inferno
Title - Papillon

David Wagner said...

15 points for Abbie! Good work.

Paula Titus said...

Dave had a Star Wars bedroom? Awww, how sweet. hehe

Fantastically creative, keep 'em coming!