Monday, November 12, 2012

"Beard" Rhymes With "Weird" (But Not With "Heard")

"Is it Christmas yet?" she asked.

I checked my wristwatch. "It's only 8:22 pm." Awkward pause, as a puzzled expression formed on her 7-year-old face. "That means..." I studied my watch again, making little clicking noises with my mouth as I calculated. "... it's only 42 days, 3 hours and 38 minutes until Christmas. Technically."

"Is that a lot?"

"For a kid, yes, that's a lot."

"But not for you?" She looked up at me with those eyes. Those amazing kid eyes that give quick glimpses of the woman she would one day be.

"Nope, not for me. For grown-ups, time works a little differently. 42 days, 3 hours and 38 minutes is like tomorrow to me."

"So you get your presents tomorrow? That's not fair!"

I ruffled her hair a bit, as corny as that sounds. "Hey, I'm a grown-up. One of the rules for grown-ups is I can get my presents whenever I want them. Only I have to buy them myself."

She thought a moment, then said, "Santa doesn't bring you presents?"

"Nope. Santa works with kids only. That's the rules."

Her face lit up. I could see her mind working. No presents from Santa for me... that meant more presents for her. I smiled.

"I can still give you a present though, right?" she asked, smiling.

"Of course."

"Here." She went into her little play purse and pulled out a photo.

I looked at it and smiled. "I'm going to go post this on my blog. Be back in a bit."

"OK, dad."


Hello all.

So, yes, I missed my blogging day on Saturday. A thousand pardons for those waiting patiently for me to get my act together. Hey, you know what they say... better late than on time. Right? I think that's how it goes...

So, things are still weird all over. Well, as Curnden Craw would say, "Those are the times." The Christmas Play is dead for this year. We're going to do some carols with the littlest kids from our church this year. Probably for the best, though I feel bad for Mario, who was playing the lead role. He was really putting everything into it. I think it will be the first time since 1997 that we won't be having a play or pageant of some kind. Not that the kid thing doesn't count, it does...

I quoted Curnden Craw above in honor of Joe Abercrombie's latest book, Red Country, which comes out a few hours from the minute I'm writing this. I guess tomorrow really is like Christmas for me! I was hoping to finish reading the book I'm currently reading (Homeland, by RA Salvatore) before getting Red Country, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. So I'll set Salvatore aside, and messily, greedily devour JA's latest the moment I get it...

I think unibrow humor is funny. That's why I posted that. Cuz it's funny and stuff.

What, you don't like unibrow humor? OK, fine, lemme try another comic.

There, is that better? What do you mean, you don't get it!? Sheesh! What? Oh, you said you don't like it. Sorry, couldn't hear you very well. Something in my ear.

Hear, let me try again (see what I did there, lol? I'm so clevurr!)

OK, that one has to be a winner. Yes? Oh come on! Whales scare you? Yes, I know they are huge. Well, no, I've never gone swimming with whales before. Well, there was a really fat lady at the pool one time, when I was a kid. She was pretty scary. Does that count?

OK, fine, lemme try one last time.

That was me, when I was binging (as in, "to binge") on Lie To Me episodes a couple weeks back...

So my glasses are officially broken. At the moment, they only have one arm. I'm still wearing them, because I have no choice. I mean, I'd wear my tinted driving glasses, but for some reason, the tinting messes with my monitors, and I can't see the screen! These one-armed glasses sit crookedly on my face... yes, it gives me a headache. Well, it's either that or lean really close to my monitor with my glasses off... which is just weird. Not sure how long it will be getting new ones. Have to call Kaiser and set an eye exam appointment, then pick some glasses from Costco and wait for them to be finished. Gonna be a long couple weeks.

The plus side is, I feel like I'm wearing a monocle. I say, old chap!

YES! I can't believe it! I finally got to use the "giant glasses in the snow" photo from my archive! Do you have any idea how long that pic has been patiently waiting to be used in a blog post? No? Well, I'll tell you. Since May 20, 2011.

And just to show you (and my photo archive) how unfair life is, here is a photo I added to the archive today (an hour ago, as a matter of fact)...

Yes, it is photoshopped, and no, I don't care. I love the feel of it.

Life is unfair! Deal with it, photo archive! Deal with it!

So Thursday and Friday will be crazy around the ol' Wagner Household (aka Wagnerville, aka, the Loony Bin). Thursday we get the leak fixed in my office, as well as get the floor torn up in the hall (slab leak! Yay!). We also have someone coming to try and find where the leak in the kitchen ceiling is originating from. Then Friday "they" are coming to install a new oven in the kitchen (as opposed to in the restroom, I guess). I did type "gas oven", but changed it to just "oven" because I'm extra sensitive to oblique references to the Holocaust.

Hmm... while that last sentence was true, it still seems in poor taste, for some reason. Bah, I'm going to leave it.

There I go, typing what I'm thinking again!

OK, I've posted enough nonsense. Hope you enjoyed some of tonight's post at least.

Dave the All Over the Place


Sally said...

I liked your jokes! Sorry about your play, maybe next year. Hope you get your glasses fixed, the leak fixed and the oven installed without much hassle. The sun glasses in the snow were brilliant.

Anonymous said...

So sorry about the play. Can't understand it. Still haven't heard from my friend, which is strange, because she's a project manager and NEVER drops the ball.

If you tape the glasses, you can be an official nerd.

One of the benefits of being a renter, you don't have to pay the bills!


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry about the play, Dave - I really liked it. :(

Loved Super Antics, and the whale lol..and the Netflix? Yes, been there done that too! With "Bones", I do believe. Recall is hard sometimes.

Glasses - use a bandana to tie them on. You'll look nerdishly gangsterish.

Ooh..the giant glasses are incredibly cool. I wonder what birds think of all the stuff we do down here...different perspective and all.

btw...Glad you're getting all your leaks fixed.


Abbie Josephsen said...

Bummer for Mario, maybe we can use him for the last song of the kid thing. We need some wisemen in it :)
Thanks for the funny comics Dave, and the good intro :)

Anonymous said...

We're praying that God takes car of the leaks in you. At least you'll have gas...

David Wagner said...

Gah, I thought I replied to these comments! Sorry!

Sally: Yay! You liked the comics too! Good to know I'm not the only warped soul out there...

Beth: Agree about the benefits of rentership (or is it renterhood?). Lemme know when your friend replies. I'd love to actually move forward on the play script collections...

Havah: I'm assuming that was your comment, because of the Bones reference... a nerd gangster!? Never imagined such a thing! I may try it...

Abbie: Hopefully we can make something work for Christmas. Looking forward to seeing what you and Mar come up with for the kids...

Ann: Always plenty of gas...

Paula: Glad you liked it... another "off the top of my pointy head" riff... a little fiction never hurts, eh?