"And I Thought My Jokes Were Bad..."

"A boutonniere" or "a boot in the rear", which one?

Well, greetings, eh! Eh! I'm from Canada, eh! Pretty cool, eh? Eh!

OK, I'm not from Canada, I misspoke. It was an honest mistake - the sun was in my eyes. Could have happened to anyone, really. I'm not from Canada... I'm from my mommy's tummy.

You'll be happy to know that I recovered just fine from my Rockstar overdose yesterday. Must have got a watered-down batch or something. I know you were worried. Come on, admit it... you love me... come on, say it with a straight face... tell me you love me... say it... those three little words... no, I don't mean "I just farted", not those three words! Man, you had to ruin the moment, didn't you! We had something special there for a moment, and you had to go and make a joke out of it and ruin it!

Ah, well... I suppose I should drown my sorrows in more Rockstar...

It was a mellow day today. An "unwinding" day, if you will, which was nice. It wasn't unproductive, but it also wasn't the frantic pace of the past week or so. Played some BF2, and you'll be happy to know that I earned two - count them, two! - achievements in one round last night! Unheard-of! Of course, they were both "air defense" awards (one badge, one ribbon) and the requirements were practically identical BUT STILL! I rock! And you know me! Man, that's almost like knowing someone famous! Except, you know, without all the perks associated with it... the parties, the jetting off as a group to foreign locations, the expensive gifts, the celebrities, being in the background of gossip magazine photos of me... sorry...

But here's the photographic proof, since I know you're a stickler for concrete evidence...



I even snuffed the same dude for each one - some yahoo named ACE. Well, I guess not, Mr. Ace! Woohoo! I'm sure you all recognize the map as Dragon Valley, since you all play this game too, right? Right? What? Wait a minute... I'm the only tool here who still plays a 4 year old game? Aw, man, and here I thought I was all cool and stuff...

Watched Slumdog Millionnaire tonight - good flick. Definitely better than that pile of compost I watched last night (don't get me started again...). Best Picture quality? Meh, I guess so. It was well made, I enjoyed it. Probably not enough to watch it again, but, hey, I'm notoriously picky, so what can you do, eh? (I'm from Canada, eh!)

I know what you can do! You can watch this clip!

Usually, a clip involving an exercise ball ends with some moron trying to bounce on it and getting hurt, or some yahoo kicking it into his friends' face and laughing uproariously. I was expecting a disaster with that clip, but was very surprised. In fact, I watched it over and over again, with that sort of "school boy awe" on my face... how do you imagine doing that? How do you test it out to get the positioning and flip just right? How do you keep from destroying yourself as you perfect it? I can't help it, that clip rocks me! Too flippin' cool! (-2 points for bad pun)

Funny Picture Time:



I see this picture and I ask myself: "Was there anything she actually remembered to put in the car?" I'm surprised there's no "baby in a carseat" up there as well... must have been "one of those days"...

Like this guy...



Here's the current Movie Quote Scoreboard:
---------------------------------------------
1. Bob: 28.75 points
2. Joseph: 10 points
3. Abbie: 5 points
4. Marky: 5 points

I believe that's accurate, based on the time I took going over the posts from the past couple months. If you feel there's a mistake, please point it out. I thought Abbie had more points, but one of the times she answered Bob had answered first, and points only go to the first guesser...

See? Complain enough and I'll finally do something! 5 points to the first person to guess today's quote - should be easy...

Hey! Yesterday was my first "10 comment" day here in my little corner of the world! Yay! Double digits!

Anyway, I think that's enough nonsense for the day. Until tomorrow, remember... it's amazing what you can accomplish when your wife puts your mind to it!

"I Could Peel You Like A Pear and God Himself Would Call It Justice!"

"Resources" or "race horses", you decide...

Greetings, one and all! Huzzah! Huzzah!

OK, maybe not "one and all"... there's a couple people I'd leave off the list, such as the people responsible for the creation of the Steaming Pile of Fecal Matter that was the film Eagle Eye. I do not include them in my hearty greetings; they are unworthy. In fact, divide all those responsible for that film into two groups by gender. The males will receive a swift kick to the nether regions, and be sent to bed early, without supper. The females will be forced to shave their legs with dull razors, and will be prevented from shaving their armpits for a full month. In fact, go ahead and withhold my greetings to every one of them until November first... saving the director. His greetings will be withheld until the beginning of fiscal year 2011.

I haven't been forced to endure such a film since I watched Forbidden Kingdom a few months back. I'm of the opinion that the people responsible for such visual mayonnaise should be forced to get together once a year, forever, as a group, and watch the film - AND the special features. There can be no greater punishment, in my humble estimation...

What... a... turd.

Yay! The shopping cart section of Rug Care Central is live and kicking! Go take a look and tell me what you think!

Or not. I certainly can't force you to click THIS LINK and go take a peek. Especially since clicking THIS LINK will direct you away from my blog and who knows... you may never return. It may be so fascinating, you'll get lost in the wonder of it all and miss cool video clips, like this one...

And wouldn't that be a shame.

Is it just me, or do you feel a strong compulsion to slap that kid's glasses off of his face?

Well, I made a big mistake about an hour ago. It was around 10 pm, and I was frustrated and hungry - a bad combination. I had a few VERY bad rounds of Battlefields 2 in a row, and so I was grumpy. I quit in disgust, decided I was hungry, stomped into the kitchen, looked around at a whole bunch of nothing to eat, and decided to make some eggs. And dangit, I didn't want apple juice to drink, cuz that's sick! And water is too common for someone of my level of unfulfilled greatness! That left only one thing to drink with my eggs... that's right... my second Guava Rockstar energy drink of the day!

Let's take a look at the stats, shall we?

Two 16oz cans of Rockstar:
-----------------------------
360 calories
80g sugars
84g total carbohydrates
120mg sodium
4000mg taurine
320mg caffeine
600mg ginko biloba leaf extract
100mg guarana seed extract
and a bunch of other B vitamins, to make it seem like I'm being a smidgen healthy at the same time!

Let's see... someone in my home office right now is a complete idiot. Hmm, let's consider who that might be... I believe he's a male (hold on, lemme check... yep, male), I think he's sitting in my office chair... I think he's updating his blog right now... and I think he's going to be up all night thinking about it, while his pulse plays a several-hour-long drum solo...

Funny Picture Time:


Wish I had a helmet like that... kind of ties into the Eagle Eye movie, now that I think about it. And now that I'm thinking about it, I'm getting angry again. People that make bad films should be forced to eat something really disgusting once a day for a year. Like a bug or something dairy-based that is right about to spoil. The list could rotate, so every day it would be a mystery. Or there could be a website where people could sign up to suggest something disgusting for the next day, and people could vote on it and stuff. I'd vote for raw hot dogs myself... dipped in mayonnaise...

Mayonnaise is of the devil.

I told you yesterday how I broke one of my New Year's resolutions - I wasn't going to purchase any new PC games for a year, in an effort to force myself to play the games I already have on my shelf, many of which I still have never tried. I broke the resolution yesterday, with my purchase of a $9.99 copy of Rainbow Six Vegas 2. And today, I bought another game...

They FINALLY dropped the price on Call of Duty 4 down to $29.99. I have been waiting for 18+ months for the price to drop from $49.99. I have never seen a game stay at full retail price for so long - it's ridiculous. In fact, it was up in the $50-$60 range this past Christmas! It actually increased beyond the initial full retail price! Insane! So even though I really wanted the game, I wasn't going to buy it, on principle. I would out-wait them, and purchase it only when the price dropped.

$29.99 - couldn't pass that up. Yay! I have next-to-no discipline and self-control! YAY!

O_o

Todayve In History: May 12
--------------------------------
Some noteworthy birthdays today!



Katharine Hepburn was born May 12, 1907. Man, was she a knockout when she was younger. And make no mistake, the woman could act.

George Carlin was born May 12, 1937. I love Carlin, primarily because of his obvious love of the English language. Man, the things he could do with words, I loved it. Of course, he was also frequently filthy, which is a bummer, and I certainly didn't agree with him on politics and religion, but I loved him nonetheless. The 7 part interview with Carlin that the Archive of American Television did with him shortly before he died is a terrific watch, if you ever have the time.

Tony Hawk was born May 12, 1968. Here's a link to his first 900.

I think that will be it for me today. Until tomorrow, remember, never do card tricks for the group you play poker with...

The Preacher from the Black Lagoon

And another week begins... I'm ready for it, I think. Glad this past week has... uh... passed. It was a whirlwind, that's for sure...

Double church duty today, as is my custom (such as it is). I made good on my threat to teach Sunday school this morning. After a goodly amount of goofing around and discussing various student's highlights for the past week, we talked a bit about Isaiah 59:1.

Isaiah 59:1: Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear.

My class is 4th thru 8th graders; it's a tricky age. They're too old for the standard story-time, draw-me-a-picture type lessons, and too young to hit deeper issues with any... uh... depth. So the trick is to try and find things that are relatively fresh to their developing minds (lol) and hit it quick and interesting and on their level, since attention spans at that age are brief, to say the least. And actually, there's quite a disparity in development between your average 4th grader and your average 8th grader, so there's that about it too.

I don't like giving tests/quizzes, etc. My philosophy is: these kids have to deal with school all week long, and really, these kids have to come to Sunday school - they don't really have a choice. So they're "schooled out" when they get to me and they have no choice but to attend. So I try to make it very informal, allow some chatting and laughing, and sneak in a quick and (hopefully) effective mini-lesson, dressed up in "fun".

Anyway, the idea that it doesn't matter where you go, or what situation you're in, good or bad, God is able to reach you and help if needed... that's a comforting thought to most. But not all. I taught a similar quick-lesson once, on a similar verse about how God's eyes go everywhere - there's no place you can go that God cannot see. I thought it was comforting, but one student of mine in particular was very unnerved by that idea. He didn't like the idea that God could see him all the time. He wanted his privacy, it turned out, so he could do what he wanted without being bothered. Made sense, in a way. Everyone has such a different idea of what God is, or is supposed to be, etc., this kid assumed God was trying to catch him sinning, like a Big Brother kind of thing, it made him paranoid. To me, it was opposite - it was comforting to know that wherever I went, God was able to help and hear if needed - I could never be cut off from Him and His help.

I saw it as a protective watching, this other kid saw it as an all-seeing eye of doom trying to monitor and restrict his fun, quick to punish.

Well, anyway, God's arm isn't too short to save/help, and His ear isn't too dull or busy or plugged to be able to hear us when we need to talk to Him. Pretty cool, I think. Then again, I'm a goof...

OK, enough churchy talk.

Gotta finish uploading all the "abandoned rugs for sale" tonight. I'm hoping that the cart will be "live" on Monday sometime. The last word from Josh was: "I'll be calling you [Monday] sometime with a final set of details... I'm 98% done with the first pass!!!" I don't know if that means we can go live, or if there are more "passes" to be done first. I'll find out tomorrow.

I really hope we can dump a lot of these "abandoned" rugs - we certainly priced them crazy-low enough, and they are all decent rugs. Not great, but definitely decent. I hope it works.

Funny Picture Break: Anthony showed this to me tonight, I love it...



Isn't that awesome? I wish I would have done it. If you're too young to recognize the photo, it's the famous photo of Jack Ruby shooting Lee Harvey Oswald the day after Oswald killed JFK. Someone photoshopped it to look like a concert. I especially find the "Dead Kennedy's" graffiti on the wall to be amusing. It makes me want to find ways to photoshop other classic photos - I may give it a shot after finishing the next Wagnervana strip.

I'm resisting the urge to introduce new characters into the strip already, as opposed to further developing the set I have so far. I'm afraid I'm at a (hopefully temporary) point of "paralysis by analysis", whereby I let too many options prevent me from picking a direction to go.

I know! Another wierd video!

That... is insane.

I've been so tired all day today, it's odd. I took a long nap between services, went to church in the evening feeling awful, had a Iced Mocha, didn't help, almost fell asleep behind the wheel on the way home. I thought I'd come home, pop an ibuprofen, update the blog quickly and go the heck to bed. I did most of that... but as of right now, I feel great. Headache is gone, soreness gone, wide awake... I don't get it. I wonder how much is psychosomatic?

I noticed there was a marked lack of comments on yesterdays post (5 extra points to Bob for leaving the only comment!), and I'm fishing for an explanation. The most likely answer is people were busy and didn't read it - being Mother's Day and all. Also likely is that I wrote too much and people didn't have the patience to wade through it. Another explanation is I'm getting too juvenile with my humor - there was an abundance of fart/butt/poop jokes in yesterday's post, which I'm sure gets old to readers after a while. I'll try to rein it in a bit on that front. Another possibility is that I'm trying too hard to be entertaining instead of just winging it as I usually try to do it. "Swing and a miss" in other words.

It might have been the barely-veiled F-word in the U2 concert article.

It might seem odd for a dude like me to be crude and weird and random, then wax religious and all that as well... I don't know what to say. Like everyone, I'm a multifaceted guy, and all of this is who I am. I certainly don't want to unnecessarily offend anyone. As I've said before, I never really go into these posts with an agenda - I literally start the post and roll with it. Free association blogging. And all the nonsense I write about just comes lurching out of one of the disparate parts of me. I certainly don't expect you all to read every day - I'm cool with you dropping in now and then to see what's up. Of course, I love it when you read and comment, and I'd love to have a huge audience (who wouldn't?), but I'll be here every day whether you read or not.

It's all good. I shall assume you're all doing well, and are busy with fun and interesting lives. I envy you! In fact, go start a blog! I'll read it and live vicariously through you!

Todayve In History: May 11
-----------------------------------
- May 11, 1858: Minnesota is admitted as the 32nd state. (That reminds me: Go away, Al Franken! You're a massive tool! May your next vacation find you in the company of famished, non-finicky cannibals!)

- May 11, 1927: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is founded. (Isn't that an oxymoron?)

- May 11, 1981: Bob Marley died. (He shot the sheriff, but he swore it was in self defense...)

I suppose that's it for now. Here's to a great week for all, eh!

Until tomorrow, remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese...

My Left Buttcheek Just Twitched... This Means Something...

"Take me at my word" or "Wake me at my turd", which one?

Weekend is nearly spent - hope it's been good for you so far... beautiful, sunny SoCal day today. Lazy day. Uneventful. I've found that life is so much more peaceful when you lock yourself away in your little house, zone out in front of the computer/TV and ignore the fact that life is complex and difficult for most of the world. Reminds me of that scene in The Matrix, where that Judas guy was making a deal with Agent Smith over dinner, in exchange for betraying Morpheus. He's like, "I don't want to remember nothing... NOTHING! And I want to be someone important, like a politician. Or an actor!"

Or a rock star...

Was watching some Henry Rollins Uncut episodes just now, which seem to have a certain amount of substance mixed in with his empty anecdotes. He tries hard to carry weight and discuss deep issues, but you can kinda tell he's struggling to maintain the illusion. Points for trying, though. The two episodes I watched focused on South Africa and on Northern Ireland. It's strange to have the show bounce back and forth between his live story telling of his days in Black Flag, and his nonobjective history lessons (history lite, really) about struggles and conflicts in the world. You know, he doesn't do a bad job, really, I mean, I see him working, I think he's trying. He tries to present balancing opinions from both sides, but it is obvious where his sympathies lie.

And it's obvious what his position is on the US military in Iraq, but I won't go there, lol.

Anyway, it's cool to watch him tooling around North Ireland - I recognized some of the places from my own trip to Belfast in 2001. Still not sure I have a firm enough grasp on the issues behind "the Troubles" over there to form an opinion on it one way or the other, so I will spinelessly stay neutral. I liked Ireland when I was there; met some really good people. I hope they are well.

Hey, check this out - I hope you can read it ok... not sure how long ago it was, but it made me laugh...



I guess when you reach a certain level of fame, you shift into thinking you can change the world. Hey, I say go for it, you know? Every little bit helps, I guess. Sometimes I look at the news from around the world, and the closet whiny liberal in me says "Gee, why can't people just get along?" You ever do that? Find yourself thinking, "You know, if everybody was more like me, there'd be no murder, there's be no rape or theft, everyone would just chill, play games, fart a lot, and get along famously." Of course, that's ridiculously naive, I know. I mean, take me, as I am, and drop me into the situations that many people live in today, and watch me crumble from the pressure and angst, and likely respond violently. My chillness is the result of my very fortunate, relatively sheltered lifestyle. I don't feel guilty for it - I'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts. You know, that whole "who knows what tomorrow holds," that sort of thing.

Well, I know what tomorrow holds for me: Teaching Sunday School tomorrow, for starters. Yup, I'm getting my class back, at least for the next few weeks. I think tomorrow I'll discuss the difference between pull-pin grenades and rocket-propelled grenades, that's a classic lesson of mine. Yeah, my class is different like that, Joseph could tell you, I'm sure. Abbie too. We'll use the Bible as a springboard for all manner of fun tangents. History lessons, the dynamics of tidal wave formation, medievil siege tactics, and heavily-modified "Davist" versions of classic Old Testament tales. I figure the kids know the stories by heart already by the time they hit my class, I might as well have fun with it, you know?

Anyway, Sunday's church day. Mother's Day, too. O_O Man, Mother's Day drives me nuts. I plan on calling up my mom and belching the phrase "I love you, mom!" and then tell her, "hey, ma, if you could see me now, you'd see I'm doing the Happy Mother Dance!" That dance involves a lot of wiggling, squatting, some flatulence and primal screaming, all while clutching a long-stemmed rose in my teeth. Oddly enough, it's very similar to my "Spring Equinox Jig" and my "Hanukkah Shuffle".

The Happy Poop Stomp is what I have to do when taking my 3 year old to the potty to "drop the kids off at the pool", if you'll pardon the colorful colloquialism. It's sort of a 'sumo/smokey the bear/charging rhino' type expression of dance that is triggered by a "successful negotiation of the release of the chocolate hostage", if you will.

"Dad, I'm done! Do the Happy Poop Stomp!"

Sometimes she'll join me for a duet, and we'll stomp around the bathroom. You won't see THAT on Dancing with the Stars, that's for sure!

No, I won't post a video of it...

I will post a clip of a cat that apparently swallowed a slinky, though...

Cats are so cool. If I wanted to, I'd post another half-dozen cat clips that are just as weird - or weirder. But it's not good for you to watch too many cat clips in a row, unless you've trained heavily for it, like I have. Otherwise it could lead to drowsiness, catnip addiction, uncontrollable flatulence, manic dementia and ticklish acne. So I'm doing you a favor by rationing the cat clips. You'll thank me eventually.

By the way, I should issue an unnecessary disclaimer at this point: when I post a clip here, usually, when it finishes playing, it shows thumbnails of more clips you can watch, or even links directly to the site I got the clip from. Further clip watching and browsing is at your own risk! I cannot be held responsible for the content of any other "suggested" videos, some of which are stupid and/or offensive.

Well, you know how the internet is... But where else will you find cool stuff like this:



I mean, the record holder for the tallest Lego tower in the world? You can't find THAT on your local news! See how much more enriched your life is right now, since seeing that Lego tower? I had to wade through a lot of useless crap to find that little gem! OK, not really, but still!

Todayve In History: May 10
--------------------------------
- May 10, 1869: The first Transcontinental Railroad is completed, linking the east and west coast of the US together. (Coast to coast in a blisteringly fast 7 days! O_o)

- May 10, 1801: The Barbary pirates of Tripoli declare war on the USA. (Pretty cheeky, for a minor league baseball team...)

- May 10, 1893: The Supreme Court of the US rules that a tomato is a vegetable, not a fruit. (However, they ruled that Liberace was a fruit, but everyone knew that already...)

- May 10, 1940: Winston Churchill becomes Prime Minister of the UK. (Not bad for a guy in a top hat.)

Finished the Chronicles of the Black Company trilogy last night - was up until 4 am! Ouch! I wish they made books that zapped you with 20K volts of electricity when it turns 2 am... anyway, very satisfying ending. I'm glad I read it. The cool thing is, it was written in such a way that I could stop and be fine, or continue to the next trilogy, which continues the tale through the smallest of open story loops at the end of the book. Well done, I'd say.

I may take a break from reading for a few days, and try to get my body clock back in order.

Oh, and I broke one of my resolutions for the year. I bought a game at the mall today. Rainbow Six Vegas 2. Hey, it was only $9.99, and it was on my "I Wanna Buy This Game and Let It Sit Unopened On My Shelf for Months" list! So I had to get it... you understand, I'm sure...

I think I'll hit the bricks now (a clever Lego reference there, for consistency's sake). Gonna go play a round or three of Battlefield 2 before turning in for the night.

Until tomorrow, remember, don't eat the play-doh.