Saturday, June 20, 2015

The Stuff of Myth and Legend

"Hey, there's a path that leads down into this cave!" Giblet shined his flashlight down into the dusty, chilly cave, illuminating twenty feet of a swiftly-descending pathway. "This might be it."

Rammycrackle walked up and stood next to him, hands on his hips. "Maybe. After several false leads, I'm hoping this is it. I'm running out of beef jerky, and it's getting dark." He sat down on the ground, and untied a boot to get at a pebble that was annoying him.

Giblet switched off his flashlight, grabbed fresh batteries out of his backpack, swapped them into the flashlight, and then made as if to head in. He stopped short as something in the nearby shrubbery caught his eye. He nudged it with his foot, lifting it up a bit. "Look at this, Ram. Looks like a sign, maybe?"

Rammycrackle knelt and picked it up. Most of the paint had long-since vanished, but the raised lettering in the warped wooden planking was still legible.

It read: "My Little Corner of the World"

Rammycrackle smiled and looked at Giblet. "This is it! Dave's long-lost blog! We've found it!"

They embraced and shared a moment of victory; the long search looked to be over.

"Think of the treasures that lay in here! We're gonna be rich!" Giblet beamed.

"And famous." Rammycrackle stashed the sign back behind the shrub. They could pick it up on the way out.

If they survived.

Legend held that Dave, upon abandoning his blog, rigged the premises with traps of various kinds, to strongly, painfully discourage would-be treasure hunters and amateur internet archaeologists. No one knew exactly what these traps might be -- in all of their preparatory research, they could find no consensus, only wild conjecture and educated ruminations...

They steeled themselves, took several obligatory selfies (for posterity's sake) and began their descent into the long-forgotten unknown.

A long stretch of musty hallway wandered away before them, into the dark...

"Think of it, Gib. Long ago, this place used to be a place of wonder! Many of history's great blog readers would come here frequently. People with names like Abbie and Paula, Beth and Havah, Logan and Bob-O... and the mysteriously-named "Mom"... it was a Who's-Who of legendary minds and commenters, all drawn together by the bizarre, caffeine-addled verbal meanderings of a confessed absurdist, Dave the Goof."

Giblet was only half-listening. He'd heard Rammycrackle wax long-winded before about the glory days of this place and the near-mythical people who haunted it, and the "man behind the curtain" who tried so desperately to keep them entertained. Giblet was simply too excited at the possibility of the wealth and glory to be gleaned here... he would give attention to Rammycrackle later, at the campfire.

"It is said that Dave the Goof consumed insane quantities of beef jerky and caramel macchiatos," Rammy continued.

Giblet stopped and held up a hand. "Shhh! Do you hear that?"

They both stood stock-still for a moment. The soft steady sound of far-away water dripping was all that they heard. Rammycrackle was about to shrug and continue walking, but then they both heard it, echoing through the halls.

The sound of a man's voice.

They looked to each other, suddenly afraid. Without words, they asked each other if they should proceed or retreat. Rammycrackle wanted to leave, Giblet proceed. A quick game of Rock-Paper-Scissors settled the matter. They moved forward, slowly, carefully winding their way through the hallway.

"There looks to be light up ahead." Giblet covered his flashlight with his hand for a moment and confirmed it. Around the next bend, light. He switched the flashlight off. The male voice was getting louder, but they still couldn't understand anything that was being said. They moved forward.

All at once they came to a large open chamber. They peered around the corner and into the room... and froze with fear and wonder.

There, seated on a throne made entirely of Red Bull boxes and spent Starbucks giftcards, surrounded by a mountain of peanut shells and empty beef jerky bags, playing Minecraft on a PC and laughing uproariously at the sound of his own methanic emanations, was the legend himself, Dave the Lumbering White Nerd.

Giblet gasped in spite of himself, covering his mouth (and nose) with his hand at the sheer magnificent horror of it all. Dave slowly turned and faced the entrance to his blog. Rammycrackle began to wet himself in fear.

Dave stood, spread out his arms and spoke...


Hello everyone, welcome to tonight's blast of bloggy hot air! I bet you thought I'd given up on this blog. Nope, I'm still around. And actually, I'm still round, too, but I'm working on rectifying that with my personal trainer.

Lots has happened since last we spoke.

The biggest thing is that I've finished my first substantial script! That steampunk project I mentioned in the last post is finished. And I did it all my own self! Woohoo! 36 pages long! Now, I know many of you might think "Dave, you've been writing plays and skits of various lengths for the past 20 years, what's the big deal?" Well... it's a screenplay... so it's, like, different... and yeah, BTI doesn't count! Cuz I only helped write that one! I mean, I'm certainly proud of it, but this one I did my own self, mommy!

Characters, storyline, dialog, all of it! Do I like it? Uhh.... heck yeah! Will it go anywhere? We shall see! This initial version of the script is the "if budget was no concern and you could do whatever you wanted" version. So in a week, when we have our first script meeting with the "Important People" of the project, we'll see if it needs to be streamlined/simplified at all. The current working title is "Rocks and Hard Places". I'll keep you informed!

What else? Well, BTI news: We're gearing up for an appearance at Westercon, which is a sci-fi/fantasy conference taking place in early July. Gonna sit on a panel and talk about BTI. I haven't given it much thought yet, but I'm sure as the event draws closer, I'll have plenty of time to freak out about it.

We got our first review, from a website called TGGeeks... it's a good review, too!

The script is moving along steadily for the next three episodes - great things coming. Jeff (our fearless director) has grand plans, which may involve travel and other surprises. I'm not really at liberty to share much that lay ahead, but if it plays out like I've heard from Jeff, it will be awesome indeed...

Makes me wanna dance!

Still helping my friend Rob write his web series Momentum, which is also fun.

Still going to acting classes in LA, though I'm going to take July off and stay local, to focus on BTI and also to save the money and miles on my lease. Love the class, but it's starting to wear me down. Sometimes the traffic is exceptionally brutal (got home at 2:30 am last Thursday - construction). The instructor (the Magnificent Rob Adler) is having a one-day workshop in San Diego next weekend, which should be way cool. Hopefully I'll remember to post some photos of the event.

I have an audition for a local SAG short film on Tuesday. I'm auditioning for the role of a famous French general from history, Marshal General Jean-de-Dieu Soult, and his interactions with Napoleon the night before the big showdown with Duke Wellington at Waterloo. Trying not to get too intimidated by it all -- this guy is well-known and quite accomplished, a career-soldier, and French! So I'm working on a French accent (has never been one of my stronger accents) and trying to learn how to carry myself like an accomplished career bad-ass soldier and tactician would. Hope I can pull it off. I'll let you know.

What else?

Well, here's another legend, Bill Murray, giving a terrifically-rich answer to a deep question during an interview...

Bill Murray is awesome.

What else? I heard yesterday that my pastor -- who is closing in on 90 -- broke his leg again. If you are given to prayer, if you could send a few up on his behalf, I would appreciate it. Recovery at that age is as difficult as you think it would be.

What else? The Steam Summer Sales are winding down. Yes, I bought several new games at crazy discount. Yes, I will try to actually play each of them enough to get my money's worth. "Try" being the operative word.

The family will be at camp all week, so I'll be batching it for a whole week! My good friend Jason C. is in town from Florida... I haven't seen him in a decade or more. We were besties growing up. Hope to spend some time with him.

Currently reading An Archer's Tale by Bernard Cornwell. Good stuff. It's always refreshing to read something by a highly-competent author. I've had a few "swings-and-a-miss"s lately.

Let me leave you with A Good Ol' Chap, which won the Best Film Award at last year's 48 Hour Film Festival.

A Good Ol' Chap (48 Hour Short Film) from A Focus Group on Vimeo.

I'm participating in the festival again this year, once again on Team Viva. We have a very strong cast, and strong writers. Should be awesome.

That's all for now! Take care, y'all!

Dave the Still Around


"Come on, Gib, let's get out of here." Rammycrackle pulled on Giblet's sleeve.

They turned around, dejected, and shuffled back up the hall. Fame and glory was not to be theirs today...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Highly entertaining post Dave....worth waiting for....every kid should have a dad like you...have a great