Monday, December 22, 2014

Just Follow the Recipe and All Will Be Fine!

"Hour number 4. The procedure is moving along as expected, though slightly slower than I had hoped. Progress has been made, but I'm at a bit of an impasse."

The Man in the Lab Coat paused, and then clicked the red button on his digital recorder to stop it, setting it down on the table before him. The table space was mostly occupied by a man, laying out on his back, eyes closed, unconscious and unclothed save for a strategically-placed Hello Kitty beach towel across his hips. Various wires and tubes were coming out of various nooks and crannies on the man's body, which were connected to the machinery that kept him alive during this procedure.

After a deep-breath and an eye-rub, the Man in the Lab Coat picked the digital recorder back up.

"I began as planned, by adding a thin base layer of insecurity before spooning in two ladles-full of scatological humor, three tablespoons of suppressed anger, a dash-and-a-half of resolve, a half-cup of ennui, a full bag of "desire to entertain", and then sprinkled over the top of it all a general ability to think more highly of others than is likely healthy. Somehow, it seems that two or more of these ingredients have reacted to form an addiction to buying games and ebooks -- well beyond normal, healthy levels. Plus, his methane readings are off the charts. Unsure how to proceed."

The Man in the Lab Coat pocketed the recorder, and set his mind to correcting the problem. He crossed the lab and studied the shelves-full of beakers and vials and containers. After agonizing over them for a few long minutes, he shrugged his shoulders and gathered as many as he could carry. Crossing back to the table, he began adding random things:

- A penchant for quoting obscure movies.
- A strong interest in acting in general, and in Hamlet in particular.
- An inability to be separated from his iPad for longer than a few minutes before breaking out in a cold sweat.
- An unsettling Starbucks addiction.
- A strong enjoyment of absurd humor.
- Mild financial retardation.
- A growing interest in that kind of rock music where the singer screams into the microphone, with the volume cranked up, of course.
- An unconquerable love for his children.
- A wildly-vacillating interest in theology.
- A large, raucous invisible audience.
- A certain freedom and adventurousness in writing.
- Swinging moods.
- A reasonable talent for cartooning.
- General goofiness.
- "The Russian Forehead."

The ingredients flew fast and furious, in unmeasured amounts, the Man in the Lab Coat becoming increasingly desperate.When the last of the beakers had been emptied, he wheeled over a couple of 50-gallon drums and pried off the lids. He grabbed a massive scoop and poured in "Social Awkwardness" and "Minecraft," in equal measures.

Wiping the sweat from his brow, he fished the recorder out of his lab coat pocket and clicked the red button.

"Hour six. I've come to the end of both my patience and my well of ideas. I've tried just about everything, but he's become so unpredictable and unstable that I fear further experimentation could risk the both of us. I believe I'll call this one finished, give him his own blog, and turn him loose on the world. Who knows? He may surprise us all someday."

With that, the Man in the Lab Coat grabbed the stapler and the hot glue gun, and set to work sealing Dave up.


Anonymous said...

Dear Frankenblogger,

Enjoyed your recipe. But, regarding the methane issue, must apologize that I shan't be shaking your stapled hand in person.


David Wagner said...

"Frankenblogger"... I love it! Gonna swipe that one for my own personal use... MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!!