Sunday, September 25, 2016

Meow! (You Were Supposed To Meow Back...)

Sing us a song, you're the Piano Man...

OK, one song, coming up...


*GROAN* *sigh*

O great, here we go again. David in his "alone in the world" mood again... "For crying out loud, Dave, learn a new song already! We've heard this one from you way too often! It's over-played!"

OK, fine. Let me find my happy face to put on for you... gimme a sec...


There it is...

:D

There, how's that? Better?

"No. Look, Dave, we come here to read your goofy nonsense, to cheer us up from our own raft of crap! If you're in the dumps as well, it's counter-productive, eh! Try harder!"

OK, fine... here, let me try again...


"No, no, no! We still see through you!"

Hey, look... first of all, I'm an actor, ok? I never said I was a particularly skilled one. I try my best, on set or off, to play the happy, together guy. I think I pull it off well most of the time. But dangit, the more I learn of people, the less I think I like them.

I pretty much spent the first 40 years of my life squirreled away in a safe place, sheltering myself from The Real World(TM), and crafting my own little goofy version of the world to live in. Made my own rules, crafted people the way I wanted them to be, and moseyed my way through life, willfully ignorant. Well, for the past few years, I've tried to break free of that self-induced, self-crafted little utopia and see what life is like on the outside, with real people, trying to make a legitimate impact out there.

The results have been decidedly mixed.

I'm realizing not everyone is like me. In fact, no one is like me, that I've found. And I don't say that to flatter myself - just the opposite. I am, in many ways, quite socially retarded. I suppose that's logical - not sure why I should be so surprised. I mean, a tree that grows up outside is much more resilient than one that grows up inside a greenhouse... Exposure to the elements toughens one up, I suppose... so why should I be surprised that I'm stunted inside in many ways?

Still, the disappointment is palpable. My experience of the past few years seems to show me that most people are like my Wife... suspicious of everyone. Everybody is up to something, everybody is angling for something, some advantage over me/you. Everyone is out for himself. Honestly, it sucks to have that put on me, when it isn't a coat that fits. I don't have an agenda. I'm just me. I want to tell great stories, and involve great people. I'm not angling for anything, I'm not looking out for myself and my own best interests. I'm not trying to make a name for myself, at anyone's expense (much less everyone's). I'm just trying to enjoy life and leave a positive mark.

Having my actions mis-interpreted by people (who then react accordingly) is frustrating, because how do you fight it? Try to defend/explain myself? That only comes across as justification and guilt-dodging. And the thing is, if it was one isolated case, I could shrug it off. But it seems to be coming from every direction at once. Hence, the pervading, foundational sense of dread and depression I'm back wrestling with. Hello dorkness, my old friend...

My decision(s) now revolve around whether to retreat back into my safe little protected world again, cutting myself off again, or to "man up" and keep hitting it out there in The Real World(TM). Honestly, on paper, the answer is obvious. But the temptation is strong....

Bad grammar, but apt.

So what to do when I have no one to talk to? About this, or anything else?

I blog.

Like the previous post, where I reviewed the films I saw in the Best of San Diego screening for the 48. That post rubbed some people the wrong way. Some of the films I loved, some I liked, some I didn't really like. I suppose I should have seen it coming that voicing a less-than-stellar review of someone else's creative work would step on some toes. In my head, I had no intention of toe-stepping. I thought an honest critique would be appreciated, rather than shamelessly (falsely) gushing over every film, in some effort to avoid rocking the boat... so why post reviews at all then, you may ask?

I just told you! I have no one to talk to about these things! I went to the screening alone, came home alone, and wished I had someone to discuss the films with. So I blogged about it. Put a lot of work into that post, it may not seem like it. Talked about each film in some detail, got it all out, shared it. Good, right? Well, no, ungood. Turns out people are suspicious. They think everyone has an agenda, remember? It couldn't just be that someone wanted to chat without malice or ill intent about something as benign as a film screening...

So, yeah.

Pretend all is well? Pretend people are awesome? OK, fine... let's pretend...


Meow! How's things? Oh, peachy friggin keen!

Meow!

Brief Summary of Things Still In Progress:

BTI filming this month. Momentum script closing in on 200 pages (waaaaay way too long for a feature... gonna be an interesting editing session). Script for Best Dressed Guest having trouble moving past the "detailed notes" stage. The Christmas play for Mt. Zion is alive in concept form in my head, but yet to be written. Another test film set to be filmed with Ryan in the next month or two. He has a strong concept; gonna let him run with the script, and help where I can.

That's it.

Meow!

Of course, that's not it. Other facets of my life all seem to be vying for my attention by spiraling downward all at once. But you don't need/want to hear about that! I'll save all that for my Invisible Friend! Lucky Him!

So to cheer myself up, I've been watching tons of tsunami videos from the Japan 2011 quake.



Plus, random landslide videos. Those are always cool.

Here's a great song I'm digging a lot lately... "My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect...



And, because great acting always cheers me up, here's the best scene from the film Flight, with Denzel Washington, Kelly Reilly and the magnificent James Badge Dale...

Warning, some foul language, but incredible dialog and acting...



Man, a scene like that does wonders for me... I love that....

So, yeah, all that to say, venting. As in, I needed to vent. So vent I did.

For starters.

Trust me, you don't want me to uncork.

Then again... you're all kinda like my Invisible Friends too, in a way... I don't know who reads this... I can imagine you any way I want. And the version of you that I imagine? That version likes me as I am. And knows I'm not angling for something from you. That version of you sees that I have something valuable to offer, and is willing to put up with my idiosyncrasies in order to make use of it. That I'm just me, trying to slide through life and leave something of substance behind for you to remember me by.

Who knows how much longer I have? 46 years is a lot longer than some people get to live...

We shall see.

Adios for now,

Dave, Vented.

2 comments:

David Wagner said...

I have met the enemy, and the enemy is me. It isn't a weird coincidence that everything in my life hits the fan at the same time. The only common factor in it all is me. I'm the problem. I don't know how to fix the problem.

Anonymous said...

Maybe it doesn't need fixing...take it out of your head..put it on the table and look at it differently ...everyone gets to be who they are...even you so get back at it...you are truly loved....meow