Sunday, November 16, 2014

Sometimes, A Swift Kick to the Posterior Is Just What the Doctor Ordered...

Yeah, Turnip Rock for the WIN!

Honestly, I have no idea whether that photo is legit or photoshopped... I mean, who can tell nowadays? You can't believe anything you read or see anymore! With all due respect to Curnden Craw, those are the times...

Hmmm, I'm feeling a tad cinematic tonight... lemme see...


DAVE sits at his computer,  updating his blog. Fortunately for us, his viewing audience, he's in one of "those moods", whereby he is willing to make a total fool of himself for our enjoyment. Unbeknownst to us, he has cycled through about a half-dozen different titles on Netflix, trying to find something worth watching, and has failed miserably. Various movies, documentaries and stand-up comedians have failed the basic entertainment litmus test, and he deletes them from his NetFlix queue with reckless abandon. At the moment, he has "Lost In La Mancha" paused, moments away from deletion, on one monitor, while he is updating his blog on another.

He is focused intently on his keyboard, determined to make it through this post with a minimum of typos and grammatical quirks.

Hello all! It is Dave, the blatant goof, hoping desperately to entertain you! Because then you'll, like, love me or something... and I'm so pathetically desperate for your love, I'll do just about anything!

DAVE does just about anything. 

It doesn't work.

So, enough of that.

The Wagner Women are in glorious, exotic Albuquerque NM as we speak... Wifey is visiting Mother-In-Law, who is having a Hard Go Of It. This means I have Wagner Manor to myself for 10 Whole Days. Which means: Minecraft, bad food, Netflix, Writing and generally promising myself I will work out, and not doing squat. Or squats.

It's so quiet! I'm tempted to turn on Real Housewives of Bumbleslap OK, just to try and achieve a sense of normalcy around here. Oh, and updating my blog... did I mention that? It is especially important of late, since (you'll be happy to read) I've quickly tired of seeing that guy mooning me (and you) from that bomber plane every time I pull up my blog (to check for comments, of course)...  by the way, Beth wins the award for Comment of the Month for the comment she left, which was six shades of AWESOME.

Your prize, Beth? Name it, and it's yours!

See? See how benevolent I am? I'm, like, Mother Theresa or something... but, like, the male version and stuff. Except I've never been to Calcutta. And I'm a putz. But beyond that, I'm exactly like Mother Theresa...

3D graffiti! I bet you never thought you'd see that, eh? Way cool... in, like, a spiritual sense or something...

OK, fine, you came here to see Cat Math, I'll give it to you....

Cats and boxes. Is there anything better in the world?

I'm sure there is. But, hey, I've lived a fairly sheltered life. I don't really know all that's out there in the world!


Dave sits at his computer, updating his blog. He has just come to the realization that he is, in fact, a putz. He decides to shrug it off and continue as though he was not, in fact, a putz. But we all know the truth, right?

Is there anything better in the world than Bill Murray?

Nope. Nothing better in the world. Bill Cheek-Slapping Murray.

OK, there's, like, Jesus. Then Douglas MacArthur. Then Jeff, the director of the BTI webseries, and then number four is Bill Murray. Number five? Hmm... John Cleese? OK, so, Jesus, MacArthur, Jeff, Bill Cheek-Slapping Murray, and then John Cleese. That's my Top 5.

OK, I should just let that last photo sit there, and sink in...

In fact...


DAVE sits at his computer, looking at the KINTSUKUROI photo, waiting for the symbolism to sink in with all of his readers. He knew that his mom and Beth would both understand it immediately. But for the rest, it may take a while. So he decided to kill time by adding a classic Ed Bassmaster video from his archive...

OMG Ed Bassmaster is friggin' hilarious. In fact, let me modify my Top 5...

1. Jesus
2. Douglass MacArthur
3. Jeff
4. Bill Cheek-Slapping Murray
5. Ed Bassmaster

Sorry, John. Number 6 is still pretty respectable.

Hey, remember that time I was just making this nonsense up as I went?

If it hasn't been made ridiculously clear by this point, I do not have anything of value to share tonight.


DAVE tries in vain to think of something worthwhile to say tonight, hoping to make it worth his reader's time, as far as stopping by. The key part of that phrase being "in vain"... 

Really? This is the point to which we have devolved?

I apologize with a distinct level of profuseness, as far as what you hoped to read here today.  I know the disappointment must be acute... therefore, I appeal unto the legacy left by our long and storied past, whereby I have, in fact, made stopping by this blog worth your while, and beg that you will overlook my lack of competence this night...


DAVE decides to pull the plug on this ridiculous attempt at a blog post, and call it a night. Sleep beckons. Do the right thing, Dave, Ol' Bean!

Adios for now...

Dave the Ol' Bean


Anonymous said...

What a nice way to start the day...Bill Murray...a broken pot..and a hot cup of Dave...soon to be back to number one on my list..(as soon as I can unsee that flying butt in your last post)...hang in there..kb15

Anonymous said...

It always surprises me when people say they don't like Bill Murray - he's hilarious. He has a home in Valley Center and shops at the HD I worked for - but I always seemed to be off on the days he shopped.

I have to tell you, I paused and looked at that bowl for so long, it was actually Dave's birthday the day you posted this entry (he would have been 26 on 11/16). Then I scrolled down and saw my name alongside your Moms.

It makes perfect sense to me to choose that bowl as my "Best Comment of the month" award :)

I now currently have the three Kingkiller Chronicle's books reserved from the library. I read The Name of the Wind, but want to refresh the details. Have recommended them to my Sarah, too.


PS Ed Bassmaster would be fun to hang out with.
PSS I thought you had a trainer?