I've done it. I've broken through it. Man, it's been tough. I was cruising along, firing on all cylinders, for most of the year. Then it all collapsed.
It's like having arms full of packages and walking into a closed door, which you thought was open. Wham! Drop everything, sitting dazed on the floor, feeling like an idiot... What can you do, but gather your senses, stand up, shake off the embarrassment, collect yourself and your belongings, and try again. What's the alternative? Give up?
Being cut off from my usual sources of advice and conversation has had the odd benefit of forcing me to figure it out on my own. And I'm happy to reveal, I've done it. I have to give God the credit, even though I felt cut off from Him as well. I'm sure He was involved (probably on both ends), which is cool, but annoying of Him.
I need to percolate on it all for a bit longer before dumping some/all of it into this blog, but it boils down to the importance, value and purpose of words (spoken and written), and the nature of truth. If that sounds esoteric and hopelessly cerebral, that's only because I have no better way to summarize it at the moment. Trust me, there's meat in there that anyone can benefit from.
But since the insights keep presenting themselves to me, even as recently as an hour ago, I think it would be premature of me to try and vocalize it right now. I want to let it come together. But on a personal note, let me say it is a series of revelations that have helped me make sense not only of my current predicament, but also of recent history and other issues dating back decades. It's a gift that has fully shifted the way I view life and people, in a profound, still-unfolding way.
Never, never, never would I have imagined such a thing happening to me at this stage of my life. It is humbling, and I am so grateful. Granted, the road getting here sucked, but hey, ultimately, it may result in fruit on many levels. Heck, it's already given me ideas for new plays/characters...
Man, look at that... I love it. A hundred stories come to mind, just looking at that photo. Wow.
Hello again, y'all. It's Dave the On-Again-Off-Again Recluse, with a drive-by blast of hot air, if for no other reason than to bump my last post down a notch, so I don't have to look at it or think about it again... so life's a teeter-totter, ups and downs, highs and lows... gee, big revelation. It's not like I haven't been there before (both the highs and the lows). But honestly, it does really help to talk about it... and also honestly, I really don't have anyone to talk to about it. I am a man, alone...
No man is an island? Well, perhaps I should change my name to "no man"...
So, have things settled down for me? Yes and no. It's odd. You know how when you get a new vehicle, suddenly you see that vehicle everywhere? Or if you or your wife is pregnant, suddenly you see pregnant women everywhere? Well, a similar phenomenon is occurring with me, whereby it "seems" that I'm being ignored/avoided on every front. In one part of my brain, I know people are just busy with their own stuff, and hey, it's not like I haven't always been sensitive to being ignored... that's why I enjoy my invisible audience so much... they love me!
But I think the difference is that, whereas I normally have lots of things to keep me occupied in my isolation, lately I really could use some good news and/or someone to talk to... so that makes each instance of delayed response, ignored inquiry, unreturned message, etc. that much more acute... like getting poked in a bruised area... the poke normally would be a mild annoyance, but getting poked on a wound? Ouch...
So, yeah, it's getting hard to want to care anymore. I know the grown-up response is to look life in the eye and show a little back-bone, and ride it out.
That's me, on the left...
Still, it's uncomfortable being in a position of feeling so clueless... if I knew what it was I'd done wrong (probably a collection of little things), then perhaps I could do something to rectify it, or at least understand it all. Or more likely, as I mentioned at the outset, it isn't anything of the kind. Nothing personal, just people being people, doing their people things... without reference to me whatsoever. Probably just my own insecurities teaming up with my inherent self-centeredness (byproduct, no doubt, of my life of solitude) to freak me out...
I doubt much of this makes sense, but I feel like riffing, and that's what this blog is for...
I won't beat it into the ground. Feeling detached from life. It will pass.
Speaking of "detached," this video is incredible...
Man, I wish I could have seen that in person... stunning. That seems like an event that would permanently mark the person who saw it. So friggin majestic and breath-taking.
Here's another video of the same event, from higher-up...
Amazing...
Shifting gears...
The holidays approach. A lot of writing on my plate: Momentum; Best Dressed Guest; the Mt. Zion Christmas play; a pastor's appreciation skit. All of these ideas are well-developed in my head, but I've yet to actually write them (except for Momentum, which is almost finished). Writing is my safe corner. I can do it in my aloneness... acting and directing? That involves people, lol... I'll need to steel myself to go that route again... but writing? Bring it on! Let me put my wings on and fly!
Halloween... every year, I threaten to dress up for Halloween, and every year, I don't... Youngest Daughter usually has a birthday party around Halloween, and it's a costume party. I'm always the only one not in a costume (which inspired, in part, the plot of Best Dressed Guest, actually)... this year will, no doubt, prove to be the same. I'd love to dress up! I'm an actor! Costume me! Let me be someone/something else for a few hours! You'd think I'd be all over that! Not sure what keeps me from doing it... embarrassment and laziness, I guess...
This year, I'd like to dress up as the lead singer of the band Avatar...
Actually, I'm only partly kidding... I know he's a bit creepy looking, but he always wears such cool costumes, and the face paint is fun... and the whole band looks like they have so much fun. Their videos are a hoot. They're actually kinda campy and silly. They remind me of a harder-edged version of Oingo Boingo...
Masks in general are fascinating to me... hide who you are, be a version of yourself that you'd like to be, or wish you were, or heck, even be someone completely different! Oddly, that concept also inspired/informed the plot of Best Dressed Guest... there's a lot to play with in that concept...
No, I won't dress up this year. But if I did, it would be as something far more tame than that guy... wouldn't want to freak people out and have them think I'd lost my religion or something, lol... I don't spook easily, but others do...
What else?
Not much of note. Mostly writing. If anything changes, I'll mention it here. Or maybe I won't, who knows? It seems lately, the more I say (regardless of how careful I try to be), the more trouble I get myself into. Perhaps "Dave the Silent" would be a good mask to wear for the time being!
