Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury...

Holy mackerel, it's been a week... well, what's a man to do but weep softly into his spiced pumpkin soup?

Greetings ladies and gentlemen of the jury. My opening statement will be brief. Namely, I'm wearing briefs. On my head. And for that reason, I urge you to find the defendant guilty of sophomoric malfeasance, aggravated break dancing and negligent flatulence. My recommendation: the chair.

Wait... I'm the defendant! I forgot... I was representing myself. I hope the chair I get is a director's chair...

So a funny thing happened today on the way to my class at Clown College.... but I can't tell you what it was... the Judge refused to allow it into evidence. But that's ok, because I know where the judge lives... MUAHAHAH!!!!! Yep.... gonna TP his house. Cuz that's how I "roll".....

OK, fine, I'll stop. I've been watching another awesome TV show... it's called "Suits", and it's a law show. Normally not my forte. But this one has great writing, great characters (Lewis Litt FTW!), solid acting, and some terrific characters (lol, I mentioned "characters" twice... I'm so awesome.). It's not quite Justified... but it's up there. Well worth it, if you're interested.

And you know you are interested! Come on, admit it! You respect me and my opinion! And I know why! Because I'm so charming and witty and I don't smell too badly... I mean, most of the time... hey, I shower semi-regularly...

So in a weird case of irony, I came to a weird realization recently... I've read quite a few dozen fantasy books over the past couple years, many very good, and few turds, and a good number in between. If you were to ask me to clear my mind of all of my favorite moments in all those stories and, with a blank mental slate, recite memorable moments and characters as they pop in, first come first stated... the answers might intrigue you. I did just that recently (for my own amusement (I know, I'm an odd bird, what can I say?)), and to my surprise, the scenes that popped into my head first were an interesting selection of tidbits from the bottom of my reading list. Moments from Brent Weeks' Night Angel trilogy... moments from my unfinished attempt to read The Lion of Sennet... moments from Bakker's pomposity... and God forbid, from Jaunten...

So what to make of that? I didn't immediately bring to mind Abercrombie, Rothfuss, Lawrence, Martin, Hamerton... but rather tidbits and moments from books and authors whose toes I've stepped on, whom I've mildly ridiculed and talked down and reviewed poorly... So, they must be doing something right... in a way... I may have to reevaluate my review approach! Memorable doesn't necessarily need to be because of high overall quality! And I don't mean examples of the bad stuff... I mean, cool moments inside below-average writing/story-telling... moments worth remembering. Maybe it's because I'm so magnanimous, I can find the good in whatever I read... still doesn't explain why these moments and characters would come to mind first, over my favorite authors/books...

Weird, eh?

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na BATDAD!!!!!



That guy's a classic. Looks like his wife is tired of it, lol...

Look, sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do. And right now, a man has to sing "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite" doing a different voice, character or accent for each verse... hey, don't look at me like that! To do so calls into question my manhood. Remember, the whole "a man has to do" part of this line of questioning? By questioning my manhood, you are defaming my character, undermining my authority, and insulting my wardrobe choices. I will not stand for this!

That's why I'm sitting. I prefer the view down here anyway...

Justin Bieber.... yeah, that's torture all right...

Well, I suppose I've expelled enough hot wind for one evening. It's beginning to rumple your dresses and upset your hairdos... I'd hate to be responsible for you having to go to the salon again... you know, the hair dressers talk about you behind your back... sorry to break it to you... hey, welcome to the real world, missy!

And on that sour note, adios for now!

Dave the Off-Center

[EDIT] OMG, if you only knew how long I have to spend proof-reading and tweaking these blog-posts... man, I tinkered with this insipid post for longer than I took to write the first draft.... *sigh* So many typos... and mis-worded statements... [/EDIT]